Trust

Here's the crazy thing about trust...once it's broken, it's so hard to get it back again. Sad thing about it; sometimes it takes one person from the past to break that trust that will ruin it for everyone in the future. Being burned so many times in the past, by people that I thought were absolutely amazing, is devastating for me now. I have no reason not to trust my bf, and yet I have this nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach that something bad is going to happen. I don't know why. I know he'd never hurt me because he actually loves me...but still, I can't help but think that I'm somewhat not worthy of being treated the way I have been by him....like I just don't deserve it because I'm not good enough. I feel like there are other girls that are so much better than I am and that one day he's going to realize that and either just up and leave me or disappear. I know he's better than that, but I still can't get rid of that feeling.

Things Change...

It seems as though my life fell apart for a bit this year. In December I was in a car accident, in my brand new car, and was in a lot of pain from it. I still have some pretty bad back issues. Then I was dumped via text, quit my job, started a new one, and then was let go from that job. Started working at Cracker Barrel and planned on moving up north to the Jacksonville area...then something completely changed my life...or I guess I should say, someone. Yes, I met a guy. A coworker of mine from CB. Without a doubt the most amazing man I've met before. I know, I tend to say that a lot, but this time it's different. I can be myself around him. I can be 100% real and not worry that he's going to think any less of me. He makes me happier than I ever thought possible, and he might not ever know it, but he truly saved my life. See, I hit a very deep depression earlier this year. I thought that my entire life was a complete and utter failure. I was unable to provide for my child. I was barely making enough to get by, and what money I did have I would spend every night at a bar. I started drinking more than I ever had before...going out every single night getting trashed. I just wanted all the pain and insecurity to go away. I felt hopeless...lost. I turned to the booze and my pain killers for help and that only made it worse. Then I started hanging out with the new guy. He made me smile. He told me every day how amazing I was, what a great mother I was. When I felt like I was breaking down, he was there. Not gonna lie, it's because of him that I turned my life around. I stopped taking the pills and stopped drinking. It's been 10 days since my last drink. That might not seem like a big deal to most people, but to me...someone who was getting trashed on a daily basis...sneaking in drinks whenever I could...it's a huge deal. I know I have his support. I like being sober. I have some great job prospects - just had an interview today for an amazing job that I think I got - and my little girl is starting kindergarten on Monday. Most importantly; I'm happy. For the first time in a long time I feel loved, like I have a good grip on my life, and I feel genuinely happy.

Special Message for an Old Friend

He explains it far better than I ever could...

Gavin DeGraw - VEVO GO Shows: Not Over You

Beautifully Written - Bob Marley:

Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colors seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.

You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She's not perfect - you aren't either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break - her heart. So don't hurt her, don't change her, don't analyze and don't expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she's not there. Love hard when there is love to be had. Because perfect girls don’t exist, but there’s always one girl that is perfect for you.

and the walls are down...

You ever get that feeling that something great is about to happen…and it scares the hell out of you? That’s pretty much me right now. I’m starting to feel like things are falling into place; that I’m getting closer to my “happily ever after”. I haven’t felt this way about anyone in such a long time. The walls are completely down…he has my heart…and we’re not even an official couple yet. It’s weird and so backwards, loving each other without the long, serious relationship first, but it happened. It’s like one of those romantic comedies – the two people are friends for so long…then become the “friends with benefits”…then something changes, and they find themselves falling in love. It’s kinda huge for me. I mean, hell, the last man to tell me he loved me was J, so we’re talking almost 3 years of not feeling loved. After this weekend though, I’m feeling it again. I no longer have the feeling of unrequited love; the feeling’s actually mutual. It’s amazing and it makes me so happy I almost want to cry, but at the same time I’m kinda scared. I’m not sure what the future holds. He could seriously be the one. With other guys I didn’t want to get involved because I enjoyed my freedom, knowing that I could still look around and see what else was out there. With him though, it’s different. I can honestly say that there is no one else that I’d rather be with. I hope he feels the same way…I think he does, or at least is starting to. Just wish I could get inside his head to figure out what he’s thinking, to know how he really feels. He’s so absolutely amazing with L, but would he be willing to be her step-dad if it came to that? We’re a package deal – it’s like insta-family with us. Is he ready to basically have a kid? He certainly acts like it, just don’t want to get my hopes up too much. I love him and I’m happy and I just don’t want this feeling to go away. Still, not gonna rush it. Even though people give me crap about it, I’m gonna do things on his schedule so that he doesn’t get overwhelmed with anything and run away. Hell, I don’t care if I’m the friend, girlfriend, or wife…as long as he continues to be a part of my life I’ll be happy. Ok, that’s not entirely true – y’all know I’d love to be more than a friend. I want to be the only woman he could ever see himself with. Might be asking for a lot, but it’s what I want. I’m willing to wait for it too; he’s so beyond worth it.

Interesting Turn of Events

I've been fairly quiet lately, I know, but it's because I've been trying to figure some things out. Let's see what's happened. So, the bartender, nothing really ever happened. Not gonna lie, I was kinda upset about how things turned out. Dude was dealing with some personal issues; his grandmother was sick - and I was there for him, well as much as one could be via text. I tried to help him through it and be supportive, then there was nothing...once again, all communication just stopped. Damn, that shit happens all..the...time!!! Frustrating, but I'm ok with it. Everything happens for a reason, right? Well, I'm thinking it's good that bartender & I didn't work out because I've been able to spend more time with the DJ, and things are going pretty good with him. We're spending more time together, taking trips (and yes, with L), just enjoying each other's company. People keep getting on my case that I need to talk to him and we need to figure out where we stand, but I like how things are going and I don't want to rush anything. We have such a long history...we know each other...and he just makes me so happy. Not to mention the fact that he's just absolutely amazing with L. As sad as it is, sometimes I really think that he cares about L more than J actually does. And no, I'm not looking for a replacement daddy for L, I'm just enjoying this. 

We're actually at his family's lakehouse right now, just hanging out for the weekend. I'm waiting for them to get back so that we can hop on the waverunners. Should be fun!

Ok - I'll post more next week. Later all! <3

Simply Happy

I like him...the new guy. He's super cute and yeah, he's a bit young, but I think will be a good change for me. He asked me to stop by the restaurant last night to see him while he was working, and he ended up sitting with me for a while before it got busy. But man, got the best hug when I got there and left. Just wanna kiss him! I just need to behave and not try to get him in trouble while at work. Can't wait to spend time together outside of the restaurant. He's a cutie and is actually interested, so I'm happy. That's all...just freaking happy. :)