Done With Emotions

Work Hottie wants to sleep with me. Nothing new, we go back and forth with this a lot. This time it’s different. This time it wasn’t just a drunken text-fest, it was more of a conversation about some “afternoon delight” this week, with both of us being stone cold sober. I heard he split from his gf, maybe that’s why he seems more serious about it now. This is something I’ve wanted for four years, so it’d be freaking sweet if it actually happened. I just also think it’d be nice to actually have something other than physical contact. It hit me the other day that the reason I’ve been so nonchalant about that is because I’m so afraid of getting hurt. Hooking up with unavailable guys/guys that I know I wouldn’t date seems safe to me. It is what it is and nothing more. I’m just afraid of being in another relationship and having it fail.

The other day I messed up big time. I was talking to my ex, the deputy, and confessed my feelings (in my defense, I thought he already knew). He was talking about his new f-buddy and I made a comment about him getting me jealous. Then I told him that I really do love him, that I never wanted us to split and that I always thought we’d get back together. He said he didn’t know and that he felt stupid for not knowing. Then we made plans to go out Friday night, dinner and a movie, an actual date. I was pretty stoked about it.

So later that night (Wednesday), I sent him a text saying good night. He said he was going to the casino with some guys from work so I said, “drive safe if you’re at the casino and wrap it up if you’re with your new girlfriend”, just a little joke. Then I get this text back, “I’m not his new gf why don’t you come over and say hello”, I said I couldn’t, but told them to enjoy the night, to which she replied, “We will, don’t worry. To bad u can’t join us”. Then I got three calls from a blocked number, right after that.

I was so hurt. I mean, to have her text back is one thing, to have her call me is completely different. Then I got his text which just made things worse, “Oooo u texted while the new chick was around bad Sandy! Lol ill talk to u tomorrow do not answer this text! Have a good night! :)” So that irked me, but I didn’t reply until the next morning. Then I sent him this, “1) u said u were going out w/ the guys from work, not new chick. Had I have known I wouldn’t have texted. 2) Really? The day you find out how I feel u allow her to text and call me? That is just so disrespectful. 3) how is this my bad? I can’t believe u didn’t even think to apologize. 4) I really shouldn’t be surprised. It never ceases to amaze me how cruel and clueless some people can be”. No comment from him.

Later that night I sent him another text to see if we were still on for Friday – trying to ignore the previous night and give him a pass since I knew he’d been drinking. No reply. Friday night comes and goes and he never called, texted, just a complete no show. Kinda made me glad I didn’t bother getting a sitter. Still, it hurt me a lot. I mean, this was the guy that I told everything to, the person that’s supposed to be my best friend, and he just treated me like garbage. Normally I’d be concerned that he got hurt at work, but I know he’s on vacation for a few weeks. I’m so done with being hurt. I just really can’t handle it anymore. That’s kinda why I’m really considering the afternoon delight with WH; just do my thing and leave emotions out of it.