Beautifully Written - Bob Marley:

Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colors seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.

You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She's not perfect - you aren't either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break - her heart. So don't hurt her, don't change her, don't analyze and don't expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she's not there. Love hard when there is love to be had. Because perfect girls don’t exist, but there’s always one girl that is perfect for you.

and the walls are down...

You ever get that feeling that something great is about to happen…and it scares the hell out of you? That’s pretty much me right now. I’m starting to feel like things are falling into place; that I’m getting closer to my “happily ever after”. I haven’t felt this way about anyone in such a long time. The walls are completely down…he has my heart…and we’re not even an official couple yet. It’s weird and so backwards, loving each other without the long, serious relationship first, but it happened. It’s like one of those romantic comedies – the two people are friends for so long…then become the “friends with benefits”…then something changes, and they find themselves falling in love. It’s kinda huge for me. I mean, hell, the last man to tell me he loved me was J, so we’re talking almost 3 years of not feeling loved. After this weekend though, I’m feeling it again. I no longer have the feeling of unrequited love; the feeling’s actually mutual. It’s amazing and it makes me so happy I almost want to cry, but at the same time I’m kinda scared. I’m not sure what the future holds. He could seriously be the one. With other guys I didn’t want to get involved because I enjoyed my freedom, knowing that I could still look around and see what else was out there. With him though, it’s different. I can honestly say that there is no one else that I’d rather be with. I hope he feels the same way…I think he does, or at least is starting to. Just wish I could get inside his head to figure out what he’s thinking, to know how he really feels. He’s so absolutely amazing with L, but would he be willing to be her step-dad if it came to that? We’re a package deal – it’s like insta-family with us. Is he ready to basically have a kid? He certainly acts like it, just don’t want to get my hopes up too much. I love him and I’m happy and I just don’t want this feeling to go away. Still, not gonna rush it. Even though people give me crap about it, I’m gonna do things on his schedule so that he doesn’t get overwhelmed with anything and run away. Hell, I don’t care if I’m the friend, girlfriend, or wife…as long as he continues to be a part of my life I’ll be happy. Ok, that’s not entirely true – y’all know I’d love to be more than a friend. I want to be the only woman he could ever see himself with. Might be asking for a lot, but it’s what I want. I’m willing to wait for it too; he’s so beyond worth it.

Interesting Turn of Events

I've been fairly quiet lately, I know, but it's because I've been trying to figure some things out. Let's see what's happened. So, the bartender, nothing really ever happened. Not gonna lie, I was kinda upset about how things turned out. Dude was dealing with some personal issues; his grandmother was sick - and I was there for him, well as much as one could be via text. I tried to help him through it and be supportive, then there was nothing...once again, all communication just stopped. Damn, that shit happens all..the...time!!! Frustrating, but I'm ok with it. Everything happens for a reason, right? Well, I'm thinking it's good that bartender & I didn't work out because I've been able to spend more time with the DJ, and things are going pretty good with him. We're spending more time together, taking trips (and yes, with L), just enjoying each other's company. People keep getting on my case that I need to talk to him and we need to figure out where we stand, but I like how things are going and I don't want to rush anything. We have such a long history...we know each other...and he just makes me so happy. Not to mention the fact that he's just absolutely amazing with L. As sad as it is, sometimes I really think that he cares about L more than J actually does. And no, I'm not looking for a replacement daddy for L, I'm just enjoying this. 

We're actually at his family's lakehouse right now, just hanging out for the weekend. I'm waiting for them to get back so that we can hop on the waverunners. Should be fun!

Ok - I'll post more next week. Later all! <3

Simply Happy

I like him...the new guy. He's super cute and yeah, he's a bit young, but I think will be a good change for me. He asked me to stop by the restaurant last night to see him while he was working, and he ended up sitting with me for a while before it got busy. But man, got the best hug when I got there and left. Just wanna kiss him! I just need to behave and not try to get him in trouble while at work. Can't wait to spend time together outside of the restaurant. He's a cutie and is actually interested, so I'm happy. That's all...just freaking happy. :)

Life is Funny

Wow...so after that nice vent about S6C I was, once again, ready to throw in the towel. Then, during lunch, I got a text from the bartender. Now, I knew he had a girfriend, we talked about that the other night. He told me that she was interested in a 3some but didn't know of anyone to join in, so of course, I was nice enough to offer my services (thus the number exchange). Well... he texted me letting me know that she dumped him. I felt horrible about it, thinking that I was partially to blame, but he said it was entirely his fault. That it obviously wasn't meant to be and if he was really digging her then he never would have flirted with me. He was just frustrated that she was I guess accusing him of cheating and he said he never has, and this is the first time he's been accused of that. But whatever. So... assuming I can get a sitter, we're going out on Sunday. :)

In addition to that, my good friend, the DJ, asked me to call him (this is after poking fun at me via my FB wall about me being a FB junkie). Turns out he has tickets to this pool party tonight for the Marlins game, but he needs to bring girls with him and he wanted me to be the girl. I so want to, but the thing is that I'd have to be at the stadium by 7, and I can't drop Lo off with the sitter until 8. Maybe my sister would be nice enough to drop her off for me, but I doubt it.

So interesting turn of events at lunch. Went from being super pissed and annoyed by guys to not being able to get this cheesy ass smile off of my face. Makes me wonder what could happen next. =)

What the Frickin Frick?!?

Oh...my...GOD!!! Here is my luck with guys; I either have a great guy in my life that suddenly decides to cease communication...or I have a not so great guy that wants to be all clingy and relationshipy super fast. Why can't I seem to find a good balance of the two?

This new dude surpassed the Stage 5 Clinger status...he's at Stage 6, so I'll call him S6C. He's a friend of a friend. She thought we'd be good together - and although he's totally not my type (he's like a 36 year old ginger, skin-headed redneck type guy), I figured I'd go ahead and give it a shot since going after my type of guys hasn't really worked for me. So met the dude on Sunday - went out on a boat with him & my friend. He seemed nice enough. Anyway...then things get to be a bit much. Little things like him pestering me to stop by, just for a quick second, just for one kiss. Then him telling me he wants to be there for me "always" and that he "sees good things for us in the future". This was like day 3 of knowing him.

Then, on Wednesday, I had the day off so went to TGIFridays for some food and a drink or two. The bartender was soooo freaking cute! Flirted with him for a couple of hours...got the digits and whatnot, it was nice. Anyway, apparently S6C was pissy and around 6:30 bitched to my friend that I was still sitting at the bar instead of seeing him - little did he know I'd been talking to her so she was able to fill him in on the fact that at that point I was passed out in bed - Long Island Ice Teas are not my friend.

Thursday he was all upset because I didn't call or text him on Wednesday. I explained to him that I was dealing with some things, and one of them was finally being able to talk to the Producer and getting some closure. Then he got all pissy like, if that happened back in May, why do you need to talk to him now? Um...because I was able to. He wanted to see me that night but I had other plans, then he was texting me later that night to make sure I was actually doing what I said I was doing.

So Friday morning (today) rolls around and I get a text from my friend. She tells me that S6C is ready to throw in the towel because I'm not paying enough attention to him and he's impatient and whatnot. I'm thinking - sweet, no problem there. Then he texts me that he wants me to call him after work to talk about things. What the hell dude? Really, this much drama from a guy that I haven't even known a week? So I told him what my friend told me and he totally goes the other way, being all like - I never said that, and whatnot. Actually, here's what he said...

"no im not any of that im very patient I have been and always will be..don't. Care if you can't go out but the one thing im confused with is if you remotely interested in me all I ask is a text once in a while just to show me that you are...I know your situation i want to be here to help or do what it takes to make you happy and as you know im nothing like anyone you dated before I don't care if I don't see you everyday I only want a sign that you are still interested in me if you are at all im not mad at all just want a kiss that I've been waiting for since Wednesday lol don't be upset with me please"

First off... when did proper punctuation go out of style? Drives me insane! Second - he said the exact opposite to my friend. Come on dude... can't bullshit a bullshitter. And never... EVER tell me that you're nothing like the other guys in my life because I've heard that line so many times it just pisses me off. And that's exactly what it is...just a lame ass line to try to get the girl. Doesn't work for me.

Anyway, I told him that and he said he doesn't want me running anywhere but towards him and how we'd be so happy together and whatnot. Yeah, it might sound sweet to some people, but everything all rolled into one... it's a little much considering we JUST met! Too much drama! So I told him that much and he got all pissy. What the fuck ever. Honestly - I'd much rather be semi-ignored by hottie Producer than smothered by weird S6C.

Never letting my friends set me up with guys again!

When Voicemail-to-Text goes bad…

I had a trial for VM-to-Text, and I got some funny transcriptions that weren’t even close to what the voicemail said. So here are some of my favorites, everything is exactly like the messages I got – punctuation and all. Enjoy:

“Hey honey, I wonder if you’re going to club house right now, go look on as long while looking well thing combi somebody tell you I said was 5825 if you try to call Shafer what I could really use it right now, someone call need an endless lappy please come by after class. Oh look at the office. I was disconnected at all. Whenever you can. I’ll just be like I said I really need you right now, what, right. I love you, Ohio, but thank you. I go. Bye.”

“Yay say oh just cute. I got some good news thing. So just so keep out for me. I shan’t. Bye. He.”

“Hey, sorry to be a booklet really important alright girl. I give you a call of this is me, what’s up with you somewhere. I we’re.”

And finally…..

“Buyers not classroom work. Calling the check on you. I saw your Facebook and twitter status make sure you’re OK. Let me know. See anything back.”

I think technology failed me on these, because I couldn’t really decipher what the heck anyone was saying so I needed to listen to the VM anyway….so…. VM-to-Text FAIL! At least it was funny to read. 

what the hell?

I seriously have to sit back sometimes and just think to myself… “self… what the hell is wrong with you?!?” I mean, honestly I don’t get myself. I wish I could be cold and heartless sometimes, but that’s just not me. I’m just such a lovey person. Normally I’d say, unless you cross me, but to be completely honest, I just cannot hold a grudge. I mean, there’s this one guy that played me hardcore. I mean, he was good. I found out that he lied about his relationship status and it pissed me off. I mean, I really digged this guy. Looks, yeah, he’s good looking, but more than that was his personality. We used to talk all the time about everything. Just felt this awesome connection. The azzhat even had the audacity to talk to me about my daughter, inviting her out to dinner one time. He told me he couldn’t wait for me to meet his dad and friends, and when I mentioned to him that my friends keep saying that I need to find myself a good man, he said that I’d found one already (him). I mean… the fuck? Why the hell would someone say that knowing that they have a girlfriend? That’s just unnecessarily cruel. I called him out on it, via text because I probably would have chickened out over the phone, and here’s a shocker, he hasn’t replied. It’s like I was nothing but a fucking game to him. I just don’t understand the thought process behind the things that people do. He’s a sadistic bastard; likes to hurt girls emotionally. I guess at the end of the day I got lucky though – heard from a friend of his that he treats his girlfriend like shit, yelling at her and talking down to her. It took me such a long time to get out of J’s control, the last thing I need is to end up in a situation where I’m mentally and emotionally abused again. And yet… I miss him. I just want him to tell me that it’s not true and that he actually cared, but I know that will never happen. I think I’m just lonely and needing someone to, not be with, but to be able to spoil and kinda take care of. See, people might not believe it, but I absolutely love giving massages and scratching someone’s head. Just doing whatever possible to make them comfortable and happy. I’m so weird. Anyway, I feel uber nauseous right now, like something really bad is about to happen. I don’t like this feeling. I want it to go away.

Anemia... how I hate thee!

It's Time for Another VIDEO BLOG!!! Yay!!!

Just Dealing...

What through radiance that was once so bright, be now forever taken from my sight. Though nothing can bring back the hour of splendor in the grass , of glory in the flower; we will grieve not, rather find strength in what remains behind. 

William Wadsworth

I kinda love how my venting on my blog really helps me to see things more clearly. I’m just frustrated right now at the lack of communication from some people. I’m ready to just walk away. I mean, granted, the guy is probably 100% worth the wait and worth all this frustration, but I just don’t feel like I deserve to be pushed aside like I’m nothing. I’m not a “back-burner” type girl. If you want me, if you actually care about me, then you’ll make time for me. It’s as easy as that. Lord knows that my life is incredibly hectic, but I always make time for the people I care about. Might have something to do with the fact that I’m not a cold and heartless bitch. Not saying that any of the guys I’m talking about are cold heartless bitches, just saying that I’m not one.

Anyway, roomie is out of town for a week – oh yeah, moved out a couple of months ago. I plan on spending this time just organizing everything. Hopefully I’ll be able to finish moving my stuff in. Looks like I’ll be doing that on my own since the person that said they’d help had been kinds absent. And this, my friends, is why I never depend on a guy for anything. It’s not worth the hassle and heartbreak when they blow you off.

This weekend is going to be pretty tough for me. On Saturday we are going to a service for one of our former co-workers that recently passed away. I worked closely with her for my first couple of years here. She was young, in her thirties, but she was very sick – cancer. Then on Sunday I’m going with my grandmother to the cemetery. Papa Al’s nameplate and everything should be put in by now so we’re going to pay our respects – he passed on May 19th of a heart attack. Grandma found him slumped over at home and the ambulance rushed him to the hospital. Mom and I got there right before the Dr called us all in to let us know he didn’t survive. It was so unbelievably hard to hear and I tried to stay strong for my grandmother, but still broke down. Lo and I went over there practically every weekend, spent so much time with him. Yesterday would have been his 82nd birthday. I took Lo over there last weekend and she walked into the house and first thing she asked – “Where’s Papa Al?”. So grandma and I had to explain to her again that he’s up in heaven. It sucks, I miss him. I gotta stop talking about it or I’m gonna start crying again.

There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness but of power. They are messengers of overwhelming grief and of unspeakable love.

Washington Irving

Relay for Life

This year, over 1.4 million Americans will hear the words ‘You have cancer’. I know too many people who have been touched by cancer, and that is why I have joined the American Cancer Society on a mission to save lives and create a world with more birthdays by participating in the Relay For Life in my community.

At Relay For Life we celebrate loved ones who have won their battle against cancer, remember those who are no longer with us, and fight back against this disease that touches so many. I am determined to make a difference, and I hope you will join me. I will be Relaying on May 7th, 2011 in Vierra Suntree, Fl.

Please, support me in my efforts by using the link below to visit my personal web page and make a donation. Every dollar raised brings us one dollar closer to a cure.

Thank you so much for your support. Together, we ARE saving lives and creating a world with more birthdays!

Team La Joie de la Vie

BAM!!!

Yup... that's the sound of the other shoe dropping. I appreciate the honesty of people, but some things really are best left unsaid. I'm beginning to wonder if I'll ever really be able to be happy...or maybe I need to get back on my meds. I just hate having to depend on them to put a dang smile on my face. It's not fair.

I might be overreacting, but I don't know. I mean... I can handle what I found out - there really was no betrayal or anything - I just didn't want to know about it. What I cannot handle is breaking down and having a certain person...the one that I drop everything to be there for when needed... not be there for me. I'm sorry, but if someone you supposedly care about and don't want to hurt leaves a voicemail, crying, saying that they just need someone to talk to... wouldn't you call them back? Meanwhile, my best friend's boyfriend just saw a simple tweet and called me right away to see if I was ok. Broke down in tears with him on the phone. I just don't know how I'm going to explain to my daughter that she really is never going to know her father. I was so hoping that he'd get his act together and one day be a part of her life, but obviously that's never going to happen. And she does love him. We talk about him, she sees his pictures so she knows what he looks like. They're learning about families at school now so she's been asking to see him more and more and all I can tell her is that he was a bad listener and didn't follow the rules so he's in time out for a long time. That's not gonna fly forever. This is just hitting me harder then I expected. Yeah, he's gonna spend a long time in jail, most people would think I'd be thrilled, but I'm just so disappointed instead.

Oh, and I'm doing a 5K run tonight so I get to see my ex, C, and his girlfriend there tonight. Those f*kers don't even work here and yet they're gonna participate. I shouldn't let it get to me, but she's the girl he tossed me aside for, so it stings a little. I hate this. I was doing so good for like a week and now I feel like everything is crumbling down around me...again.

We Made A Difference

So anyone that is friends with me on Facebook knows that I have a major issue with my Tuesday night professor. She always shows up at least 20 minutes late, she's completely unorganized, and last week the whole class was sitting around for an hour waiting to take an exam and no one showed. So everyone in the class pretty much wrote to the Dean expressing our displeasure about her. Last night I show up in class, the TA comes in and says she doesn't have the test for us to take, so we're all like, wtf? Then in walks the Dean of the college along with the Assistant Dean. Turns out that because of our complaints the professor will no longer be teaching our class (Dean said she was dealing with personal issues... coming to class smelling like a bar is probably one of them). So we have two options... we can withdraw from the class for a full refund - he'll even try to get the registrar to completely clear it out so we don't even have a W, it'll be like we never registered for the class... or, we could stay and he will teach the class. He's gonna give 2 more exams, so it'll be 3 total (the average grade for the first exam was a D), then he's only going to count the two highest grades. So we might actually have a shot at passing this required course. Yeah, kinda feel bad that she lost her job or whatever, but it's unfair to us as paying students to get screwed by a bad teacher.

To add on to that, got word that the ex violated his probation. Still waiting for the website to update to give me more information, but if he did then he'll probably be locked up until L is in high school (assuming he's released for good behavior).

RIP Elizabeth Taylor.

Sleepless in Ft. Lauderdale

Could not sleep last night. I hate it when that happens. I'm not a morning person to begin with, so when I don't get a good night's sleep I'm especially cranky in the morning. And of course today Lo wanted to throw a fit because she wanted to wear a dress and I told her she had to wear some tights or pants or something under since she doesn't quite get the whole modesty thing and the teachers requested it. We ended up compromising; she wore white shorts under it. Then I had to get gas this morning which I completely forgot about... needless to say I showed up an hour late.

Anyway, woke up to a text from my Aunt suggesting that I try out for the X Factor next month. She thinks I'd do great. I mean, I have a somewhat decent voice, so I dunno, maybe I will try out. What's the worse that could happen?

Ok, now to try to get some work done. Jamming out to the soundtrack of "Burlesque"... great music. And even though I'm lacking in the sleep department, I'm doing pretty good. Last night Lo and I played "baseball" in the driveway. She was so funny, she's like, "Keep the ball on my eyes!" Then we went out back to finger paint and we both ended up covered in paint. It was so much fun, I loved it. Tonight after my test we're heading over to the park again. Good times. :)

Can't Get You Outta My Head...

I'll post about my weekend later on tonight, but right now I just need to clear my mind and I don't know of any way other than writing it all out. I'm scared. I feel so vulnerable and I'm just waiting for something bad to happen. All those years of thinking I wasn't good enough; those thoughts are coming back. I mean, why would anyone want me? Ugh! I don't know why I'm thinking that, just am. I just am so used to having all these walls up and keeping people at a distance and suddenly the walls are crashing down and I'm completely letting him in. I know he would never do anything to hurt me, but it's still scary. I mean, what if he decides that he really doesn't want to be with me? What if all I am is a friend to him? He said that he backed away from the relationship because he needed to get some things in his life straightened out first. He said he doesn't want to hurt me. I believe him. Like I said before, it's a scary situation for me. We're friends and we're getting closer every day. On the one hand, if we do get to try the relationship thing out and it doesn't work, I could very well end up losing an amazing friend... on the other hand, if it does work out... it could be everything I've ever wanted. I'm taking a huge leap of faith here and a huge risk. He's 100% worth it. So many years I've told myself that he wasn't boyfriend material or that he'd never want to be with me, that I just somehow wasn't his type. All of that was complete bull because I was protecting myself. I can't use those lies anymore because I know that he'd be an amazing boyfriend and I'm quite obviously his type. I get butterflies when I get to see him. I get the weird heart racing, tingling sensation in my chest when he calls or texts. I can't help but look at pictures of us together and smile. I got it bad. Don't get me wrong... I'm not sitting here saying I'm in love or anything... it's just that, lately, he's all I seem to think about. All I want is to be in his arms...to feel safe and secure. I wonder if he ever thinks of me when we're apart.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!!!

This is quite possibly the best day of the year for me. I'm Irish, so it gives me a chance to show my Irish pride (as if I don't mention it any other day). Typically I'd go out drinking like a fish, although I haven't done that in a few years, since I had my kid actually. Tonight I'm not going out and going crazy or anything. 1- I have a test tonight, and 2 - I'm taking a very long trip early in the morning tomorrow and I do not feel like throwing up on the side of I-95 because my dumbass has a hangover. We also get corned beef & cabbage tonight! YUM!!!

On a side note... 5 years ago today I hooked up with my friend for the first time. I figured after 7 years it was about time to give in. I was definitely a challenge but he never once got upset or frustrated with me (at least he never showed it). Now, 5 years later (and 13 years into the friendship), we are closer then ever. I love it.

So tomorrow I'm heading up to Gainesville to spend time with some of my family up there. I had intended to bring L, but after all of my plans were made and whatnot my sis told me that her daughter's party is this Saturday. Crap. She said I didn't have to be there but that L did, so she said she'd watch her. I would have just cancelled my trip but one of my cousins is going through somewhat of a personal crisis and I just need to be there for him. We're like super close yet live 5 hours away. Sucks. So I get to pick up my rental at 8 tomorrow and hit the road. Stopping off in Melbourne to have lunch with my older sister and see my niece then trucking along until I hit G-ville. Fun times. :)

btw - I did my good deed for the day and donated blood. Then I got in an interesting conversation with a friend of mine that I shouldn't donate because they just sell the blood to the hospitals and the hospitals charge even more for it. Um... ok. How else do you think they pay their staff and for materials? They have to be bringing some money in. Then he's like, yeah well so&so (some high up person) just gave herself a raise and is making a crazy amount of money.... uh... I don't care. All I care about is that there's someone out there who's life could possibly be saved because they have my donated O+ blood. I can't concern myself with every corrupt/greedy SOB out there... it'd be way too much of a hassle. Serious buzzkill.

Ok, so I probably won't be on for a few days, but I'll blog again on Monday to talk about how the weekend went. =)

Good Night... :)

I was supposed to have a test yesterday for my Bio. Basics class. I'm not gonna lie, completely unprepared. Anyway, this teacher is always late...like at least 20 minutes late every single week. So we're all sitting around waiting for her or her TA to show up. The exam was supposed to begin at 4:20, by 4:50 we were still waiting. One of the girls said that her mother was an assistant dean at the main campus and her advice was to collect an attendance list of everyone that was in the classroom and if the professor wasn't there by 5, then everyone should leave and the list be brought to the dean with an explanation of what happened. So that's what we did. Three kids stayed behind and when the professor finally showed up she just told them that she'd send an email out to us and that they should go ahead and leave as well. She didn't send an email but she posted online and was like... "to those few students that stayed past 4:45 when I arrived...", um, excuse me? Ya didn't show up until after 5, so don't even try that with us. Apparently the TA was supposed to be there to give the exam but didn't show, which is odd because as I was walking to class I saw the TA chatting on her cellphone on campus...so...yeah. Anyway, test is now next week.

The night ended with me going out to a saloon to support my friend who was DJing. Of course, once again, I was out on the dance floor keeping it busy while he kept the place alive with his charming personality. So apparently whenever he'd go to the bar people would be like, "Omg, Sandy is so awesome!...She's amazing", etc. He's like, ok, what about me? lol  The owner thinks that I'm his partner so she asked for my help in getting the word out to college students so they got a younger crowd. I just think that it's wicked funny that people are loving me and all I'm doing is dancing like a fool. It's very good exercise, btw. Anyway, for anyone that's curious, I finally got a decent picture taken of me and my favorite guy...

And here's another one...just cuz I look so good in this one. :)

Don't we make such a cute couple? But alas...it's only friendship for now. In all honesty, I'm kinda terrified of becoming an actual couple because it could potentially mess the friendship up...but at the end of the day, he's the guy I want, just can't help it.

Long Night

No, it's not what most people would think - didn't go out and party last night. I was working on my car instead. Or more specifically, I was assisting my dad, who was working on my car. I didn't just stand around, I climbed, er, rolled under the car (really a freaky thing to know that your life is basically depending on the strength of the jacks supporting the car). We had to replace the belt tensioner and the serpentine belt. Both were a pain the the ass because of the location of everything. I'm seriously so lucky that my dad was willing to help fix it and didn't tell me to just take it to the shop; I can only imagine how much money I saved.

So here's my car - had to move some things out of the way to be able to get a good look at what was going on with it...

Here's what the belt tensioner is supposed to look like - new, out of the box...

Here's what mine looked like... Yeah, my dad wasn't sure which went first... if the bearings on the tensioner gave and that's how the serpentine belt got caught up in it, or if the serpentine belt started to shred, getting caught in the bearings, and that's what happened. Regardless, it needed to be replaced.

We started working on it around 5, took a break for dinner, and finished at some point after 10. My back really hurts from being hunched over the hood for so long and I really did end up covered in dirt and grease from head to toe. Walked in the bathroom and saw a streak across my forhead... no one even bothered to mention it to me... oh well, comes with the job, right? Just didn't sleep well and I'm completely exhausted.

So, now my car is running again, which is good since I have a test this afternoon and I didn't want to take someone else's car and run the risk of having campus security stick one of those nasty parking violation stickers on it since no one else has a parking decal for my university.  I'm about $90 down, but at least I have a vehicle again.

Just a little piece of advice...

If you want a comment to be posted on this site then do me a favor and add your name. I will not publish anonymous comments... especially those that bring up my child and my parenting skills. If you have something to say to me, man up and sign your name to it. Quit hiding behind the anonymity of the internet. And to be quite honest, I really don't give a flying fuck about your opinion anyway, anonymous commenter. I'd give my daughter to my parents and have myself committed before I put my daughter in any kind of danger, so seriously, you can just shut the fuck up. One video post about me feeling like shit does not make me a bad parent. If you noticed I said that I *wasn't* on any drugs. I've been sick and it's been making me lightheaded which throws me off a lot. I'm not some fucking crackhead that can't care for her own child. So again, anonymous comment leaver... fuck off.

K, thx, bye...

Update...

I have such an amazing dad. Seriously, so lucky that he knows enough about cars to be able to not only tell me what's wrong with my car, but to help me fix it too. The serpentine belt popped off this morning, which is not a good thing since it's the belt that kinda goes with everything. It didn't break, but he suggested I get a new one anyway since it looks kinda torn up and if it popped off once it'll probably do it again. So I'll be spending like $80 or something for it and hopefully I can help him with it tonight so I have my car for school tomorrow. I guess it's good that I've already decided that 'm going to rent a car for this weekend... a hybrid to save on gas for my trip. Cannot wait to see my family! I miss them so much!

well crap...

I've actually been feeling pretty good the past 2 days. Didn't get much sleep last night, but still woke up in a pretty good mood. Lo was happy, we had breakfast together, there was no fight about getting her ready for school. Looking good for a Monday. Get in the car, turn it on and POP! Battery light came on, wheel locked up... car's done for now. Ok, so back up plan... use the Fairlane (yeah, we have a sweet 1963 Ford Fairlane 500... thank goodness my dad recently did work on it so it runs fairly well). So yeah, drove the back-up car to work. Lo had to sit in the front seat with her carseat since there are no seatbelts in the back and there are no airbags in the front. Luckily her daycare is literally just down the street. She loved it, but I'm hoping my mom can either switch vehicles with me or pick her up this afternoon. The Fairlane is great...just no powersteering or power brakes (or ABS for that matter). No AC but dad installed a CD player. It's quite the workout to drive it, but it got me to work.

So now the big question remains... do I fix the Focus again (spent about $5000 last year rebuilding the transmission, engine, replacing the motor mounts, new battery, new brakes, the works), or do I suck it up and hope I can get enough money from the Focus to put a downpayment on a new (at least to me) car. My credit kinda sucks and I have like no money in savings (you try saving when you're a single mom making crap for money). Ugh! So frustrating! Plus I have 2 tests this week and if I park any car on campus without a parking decal they'll put one of those annoying stickers on the window. It would have been better if this happened last week, during my spring break, so I didn't have to worry about school.

Oh well... I've borrowed money against my 401k before to fic my car last time... I wonder if I can do that again even though I still owe some money. I mean, I'm borrowing my own money so... I dunno. Let's first see if it's an easy fix or not. Still gonna try to keep my head held high and not let it get to me that much.

Charlie Sheen Ain't Got Nothin on Me!

Best Intentions...

"Don't be so quick to judge me... you only see what I choose to show you."

I stepped out of the "public" for a while because I needed to kinda clear my head...figure out what I wanted without baseing those decisions on the thoughts and ideas of others. I just needed to be around people that have known me, in person, for a long time since they really are the only ones that can truly handle me. Don't get me wrong, some of the people that I've met online are amazing...they really are. They just don't know the real me; they only know the me that I allow them to see online.

I decided yesterday to go back and say hi since it's been a couple months. I have to say I was slightly surprised to know that my name was brought up the day before when people were talking about a cheating spouse or something like that. I don't know the whole backstory on why my name was brought up so I won't even pretend to understand it. I was just really bothered by it. Here I am, gone since last year, not around to defend myself, and my past is being brought up...making it seem like I'm nothing but a homewrecking whore that didn't deserve to badmouth a certain someone. Yeah, I was getting pissed and about to just log off and forget the site even existed until I saw that others came to my defense and set the record straight in my absence. For that I must thank them.

So I gave a short little speil about how I've been and did say that I've made a few mistakes... (I went through a period of being completely lost and I personally felt that I hit rock bottom.) I didn't really feel like going into too much detail because that always ends up causing problems, so I just directed people here if they were really interested. I know that some people are genuinely concerned about me, but the things that are going on are a lot more then what I post on here or what I will ever tell anyone. It got to the point where my best friends have been truly concerned for me. Yeah, school is becoming an issue, but that's because I've gone full time, nonstop, for the past few years. I just cannot do it anymore. I also am having some issues with the ex...him possibly violating probation (monetary and work issues, nothing with me personally), not being able to get him served with paperwork for child support, and of course my daughter asking more and more questions about him. Plus I'm trying to be there for my friends that need a shoulder to cry on and I'm trying to help out a family member that is going through an incredibly stressful situation. Add onto that that I've suffered with depression since I was a teenager...well let's just say it's been tough.

People have been giving me advice, and I truly do appreciate the good intentions...but what I've basically been told is to just concentrate on Lo and school and back off on the guy and going out. Honestly... I don't go out that much (compared to how I was before). Yeah, the past month I went out every Saturday night for karaoke, but that's not too bad. I grab a bite to eat with friends after class during the week...heck, I'm entitled to eat and it's not guaranteed that there will be leftovers waiting for me at home. And with the guy... he's not just any guy. He's so incredibly important to me. I've known him for half my life and, well... he's always been "that guy" to me. Right now we're at the point where us being together is a real possiblity. We're getting to know one another on a completely different level, trying to make sure that if we do give this a try that it'll work and be solid and not just a fling kind of thing. He makes me happy. He keeps me grounded. On top of all that, he's truly amazing with my daughter. And before anyone starts in on me about having him meet her... like I said before, I've known him half my life. He's a family friend. He's met her plenty of times before and if things don't work out with us then at least I know that he will still be in my life and won't just disappear.

Basically, although I do appreciate the advice that I've been given, at the end of the day it comes down to what I feel is best for me since I am the one that must live with it every day. I already decided that I'm taking a break from school, at least for the summer semester. I don't need to work myself that hard all the time. I want to be able to spend more time with my daughter without the stress of having to worry about an exam. The guy is gonna stay in my life, at least as long as he'd like to, which I'm hoping is a while. It's different with him... I can't really explain it. And no, I'm not sitting here saying that I am in love with him (take a lot for me to fall in love with someone... especially after J), but I do love him as a friend; have for years. He knows there's little that I won't do for him and I know the feeling is mutual. So me pushing him aside or whatever...that'd only cause me more stress. I have a solid foundation right now and I'm getting better every day. I'm just trying to take things one day at a time and not let my inner demons destroy me.

So yeah... I guess that's it. I didn't feel like responding personally to everyone and I didn't feel like putting this on the other site. Those that really care know about this blog and will check... those that don't read this or know about it really aren't in a position to give me advice anyway, and I'm trying to keep things more private anyway. I found that I used to just put everything out there and that's about as healthy as keeping everything inside. It's all about balance... within myself, the world around me... everything. I'm working hard to find that balance. I just need some time.

"Sometimes we have to be broken down so that we can be rebuilt into what we're actually meant to be."

Gettin' Too Old For This Crap...

Went out last night to this bar. A good friend of mine was DJing for the first night there and I wanted to be supportive. So got there around 9, sat at the bar and ordered a drink. He got there around 9:30 and when he walked in I was over by the jukebox with some other guy that wanted me to show him how it worked. Um...ok. Spend money on music when the DJ is about to start. Whatever. Anyway, I was there to be supportive, like I said. I wanted to make sure the owners saw that having a DJ was a good idea, so I made sure there was someone on the dance floor all night. That someone happened to be me with whomever I was able to pull out there with me. It was crazy, I was pretty trashed (stopped drinking alcohol around 10:30 then switched to a lot of water). Close to 1 I had to stop because I messed up my knee pretty bad. Couldn't show it though, had to put on a strong front. So we left around 1:30ish, after he packed everything up. Went back to his place, initially to drop off his car so I could take him to get his bike. Ended up passing out on the bed instead for a bit. He got to stay sleeping, I had to get up and head home. I was so exhausted!

So this morning I wake up late and step out of bed...my legs felt like I had just run a marathon. Well, 3+ hrs of non-stop dancing is comparable to a marathon, right? Then I look at my phone...wow. I didn't text anyone anything really bad, but I couldn't even interpret my texts. I mean, was I really that bad? Ugh...just feeling like crap today (more in pain then from any hangover). Wanna go home and sleep, but gotta tough it out and stay here at work. The things I endure to help support my "ex" (but that's a story for another blog). lol

25 to Life

I’m starting to lose my mind again. Just can’t handle this anymore. So tired of being used and taken advantage of. I just wish I could turn off all feelings… that I could just stop caring about people because the people that I bend over backwards for, the ones I drop everything to be there for, aren’t there for me when I need them. Just can’t handle it again. I’m seriously losing my grip on reality. I’m back to the same place I was years ago, and that’s a very scary and dangerous place to be. I’m ruining my entire life. I’m not gonna be able to apply for any police job because of things I’ve done recently. I’m failing all of my classes. Yeah, the girl that has been getting A’s and on the Dean’s list is failing every class. I can’t apply next semester… I’m fairly certain that I lost my grants. I don’t even care. I don’t wanna do it anymore. Don’t wanna do anything anymore. Just so done with everyone and everything. Happiness is just a dream, and a dumb one at that.

They say that God has a plan for everyone. I think I’m starting to understand mine. Maybe my purpose isn’t to live happily ever after, but maybe mine is to help others get there. I mean, “Sandra” does mean “helper of mankind”. I help people. It’s just what I do. The unfortunate thing is that I often help others to the detriment of my own well being. I put myself last. I often ignore my own feelings, but that’s because it’s too painful to deal with them. I have to keep myself distracted, otherwise I’ll become too overwhelmed with all the emotions. It sucks. It’s hard. I’m hurting so bad but I can’t admit it. There’s no one that I can really open up to because I know so much that no one else can know and it’s eating me up inside. So who can I turn to? The one that hurt me? Or do I betray that person’s trust so that I can turn to others? I can’t do that. I could never betray someone like that; it’s just not me. I can never hurt someone, regardless of how many times they’ve hurt me… betrayed me… turned their back on me… it sucks. I hate trying to be strong when all I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry. I hate having to always suck it up, but it’s all I can do… showing anyone weakness is never an option. They’ll just use it against me… everyone does.

and so begins another semester...

First off - just want to say Happy Happy Birthday to the hottest bartender and friend I know! I'm so happy I had the courage to finally send you that message, even though it was a bit weird... seriously, thank you alcohol and social networking sites! lol You've definitely made life interesting (and no worries...not getting serious. lol) :)

Ok, moving on. Last night was my first class; Biological Bases of Behavior I - aka Behavioral Neuroscience I. It's not a class that people take just for fun; it's a required course. The professor said that this class was the reason that so many people switched out of the psych major. Lucky for me, I'm totally interested in neuroscience. I am so totally stoked to learn about what causes diseases like Alzheimer's and Parkinson's... I mean, I have an idea, but I'll know better by the end of the semester. I'm just hoping that the professor is more organized next week, since she was kinda all over the place last night. I was super confused, and she wasn't even talking about the class!

Today is going to be a killer day for me. I have work from 7:30 - 3:37, then Research Methods in Psychology from 4:20 - 7:00, and Issues in Criminal Law from 7:10 - 10:00. It's not even 8:00 yet and already I'm completely exhausted. Already made my Starbucks run, so I'm currently enjoying my Grande Raspberry Vanilla Latte (it's super good, and I came up with it - feel free to try it at your local Starbucks!), and I have an Extra Strength 5 Hour Energy for later on. Fingers crossed this semester doesn't kill my heart.

Oh - I almost forgot to mention the challenge I made for myself. I'll admit that for the past few weeks I've been drinking more than normal. In my defense, that included Christmas, New Years, and my Birthday... not to mention the last big Hurrah before the semester. So, because of that, I have decided that I am not allowing myself to consume any alcohol during this semester, with one exception... St. Patrick's Day. I'm Irish, so I kinda have to have at least one drink - otherwise they'll take my Irish card away. It won't be a night of partying, probably just grab a whiskey sour after class to commemorate the day.

Guess I should get to work. The busier I am the faster the day goes by, so I better get crackin on these policies.

So Not Jaded...

Yes, once upon a time you could say that I was jaded. I’ve been through a lot and I couldn’t trust anyone. I built walls around my heart and refused to let anyone in because I was terrified of being hurt again. I thought for sure that I would end up spending the rest of my life alone; that no one would want to be with me. It controlled my life, as proven in previous posts, but not anymore. My New Year’s resolution was to bring those walls down and to let people into my life without assuming that they only intended to destroy it.

I’m happy now. I know that I am an amazing person and anyone would be lucky to have me in their life. I know what my priorities are – my daughter and my education, not my relationship status. I’m not even in a place in my life where I can give all of myself to someone. I have far too much going on right now. I work full time, I’m a full time student, and I’m a single mom; doesn’t leave much room for date night. So right now, I’m perfectly content with being single.

I posted on FB the other day something along those lines, and while I had one friend comment that she liked it, stalker boy came on and said it sounded jaded. Um… what? How is my being confident with myself jaded? So I was chatting with a friend about it and she said that he’s probably just pissed because my being happily single really does mean that I’ll never get to the point that I’d be desperate enough to date him. I’m sorry, but there’s just not enough alcohol in the world that would cause me to even hint at dating him. Just not there, and to be honest, dude creeps me out. So he ended up ruining a perfectly nice status update… so I deleted the post and then I deleted him. I don’t need to be FB friends with people that I can’t stand.

The book – “The Gift of Fear” explains quite nicely why women are victimized so much… it’s because we’re too nice. It’s like we’re trained to be polite and not hurt people’s feelings; that it’s wrong to be rude when in all actuality, being rude could save your life. After reading that book I realized that I needed to stop placating people. If a situation is making me uncomfortable I’ll let people know about it. I’m not going to play nice and potentially lead someone on because that could lead to a rather dangerous situation. Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t think that stalker boy is actually a threat…Lord knows I could kick his ass if it ever came to that (not even joking… I could totally take him), I just would rather not have to deal with awkward situations.

So yeah, I’m single and kinda loving it. I like not having the pressure of trying to find a guy or the stress of having to find time for someone. I like not having to answer to anyone and being able to hang out with people without getting the 3rd degree. I mean, I’m not alone; I have my friends that I can turn to, both guys and girls, if I just need someone to talk to or chill with. Plus… there’s someone else that could possibly fill that “relationship” void without there being an actual relationship. He understands my situation and we’re actually on the same page with things, which is really nice.

I’m sure that 30 will come and I’ll still be unmarried, but at that point I’ll have other things to be proud of – like an amazing daughter, a kick ass degree, and with any luck a job that I love. Everything else will fall into place when it’s meant to be. Until then, I’m not being jaded…I’m just being me.

A Note to the Sperm Donor...

I just had a moment at work where I got bored and decided to look back at some of the letter that I’ve written to you in the past. I have three of them on my computer that I never gave to you. Two of them were my attempting to end it and one was me stupidly going on and on about us moving in together and getting married. It was quite sad to read it after knowing what I do now. I was so naïve back then, it was truly pathetic. Then I decided to take a look at a document titled “My Story”. It starts off explaining how things went down on 10/03/08 and then goes on to tell other horror stories from when we were together. I keep going back and forth on whether or not I want to write my own little memoir about what happened, if for no other reason than to be able to give it to my child if she ever asks so she can read about why her parents are no longer together. So I added a few things and got so angry. You really did some horrible things to me. I mean, it was so pathetic that I stood by your side and allowed you to do this. Hell, I actually convinced myself that you loved me while you were torturing me!!! How sad is that? I hate you. I mean, I really, truly, with all my heart hate you. But more than that, I pity you. You’re just a sad little boy. You must feel so emasculated that you need to hit women to exert your power. You can never let anyone tell you what to do, or even allow for someone to have an opinion that differs from your own. You’re pitiful, and I think I actually just shed a tear at how pathetic your existence truly is. Here I was, feeling sorry for myself because of what I went through, when I’m the lucky one. I got out. I escaped. I am free to live my life the way I want to, without having to concern myself with you and your reactions. I’m the lucky one in this scenario because I’m not you. No wonder you’re always so depressed. I would be too if I had to look myself in the mirror every day and see what a complete and utter failure at life I’ve become. It amazes me that you used to use your leaving as a way to control me, when in reality, it was a gift. Having you out of my life for good is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I’m no longer under your spell or under your control. I no longer have to worry about saying the wrong thing, or looking at you the wrong way, or not being able to help you the way you need. No longer will I be forced to play nice and tell you that you’re amazing to keep you from killing yourself. No longer will I end up screwed financially because you use your children to guilt me into helping you out when you’ve been irresponsible. True, my daughter is losing out on a father and siblings, but in the end she’s gaining more than she is losing – she’s going to grow up with peace of mind knowing that everything is ok. She won’t be forced to hear her mother’s cries as her father throws a television at the wall. She won’t have to hide in a corner as her father freaks out and threatens to throw rocks at windows. She won’t ever wonder if she’s loved. She won’t ever be afraid of being dragged across the floor for being outside. She won’t ever have to worry about being screamed at and punished if she doesn’t jump up fast enough to go get her father a drink. She’ll be happy.

Such a Slacker!

Wow – it has been far too long since I’ve blogged. Just been too busy with other things I suppose. Well let’s see…what’s been happening since last time I said anything? Trying to change the way I live my life and a major part is not jumping into bed with guys too quickly. Still sticking with the celibacy thing. Just tired of guys treating me like I’m nothing more than a piece of ass. Though, can’t really blame them, since that’s pretty much how I viewed myself for such a long time. I suppose I could thank C for opening my eyes to that. Getting kicked out of the house after a roll in the hay because the girlfriend I didn’t know he had was almost there really hit me hard. I don’t deserve that; I deserve so much more. I should be with a decent guy, one that understands my situation and won’t get pissed when I put my child or education before him.

Speaking of education – school starts next Tuesday. I’m excited about this semester. I’m doing mostly psych classes with one CJ class. By the end of the semester I’ll have completed the courses required to minor in psychology…but I’m majoring, so that doesn’t say much. I’m taking a lot of the pre-requisites, so hopefully (if available) I can actually take Abnormal Psychology next semester. I’ve been so excited about that class. I’m also thinking that by the end of summer I should be done with the requirements for my CJ degree. I’m getting close to finally being done. Another year or so, then I need to figure out what to do next. Do I get my Masters in Criminology online at FSU or do I get my PsyD in Forensic Psychology at Nova? I guess it’s whatever I can afford. It’s kinda scary knowing that I’m getting closer to completing my degree since that means I’m getting closer to having to attempt to find a job in my chosen fields. Fingers crossed the economy is better by then and there are more jobs available.

Well – if I want to keep the job I currently have I guess I should end this and get back to work. Hope you enjoyed the update and I will attempt to keep the blog up and not just let it die.