Losing it.

I'm breaking. It's a semi-annual event for me. Whenever bad things happen I just say, it is what it is, and I let it go. I don't cry, I don't get mad, I just push it aside. I don't like showing weakness, and that's what tears and anger are. I know it's unhealthy, but it's how I deal with things. Then something happens, or nothing happens, and I break down.

I'm not happy. Not happy with my job, not happy with my life, definitely not happy with myself. I view myself as a huge disappointment. I don't really feel like anyone truly cares about me. I have no one to call and talk to when I need to - trust me, I've gone through my phone plenty of times making calls when I needed to talk and no one ever seems to want to answer - or call back. Am I really that much of a loser?

I am alone, but I have plenty of guys in my life. Unfortunately, I don't think any of these guys actually care about me, unless the way to show that you care is to hurt a person or to view them purely as a sexual object. Or my favorite, promise that you'll be there, that you'll show up at 8 sharp, only to not show, call, or return any calls/texts. Yes, that was my night last night. I got stood up by the deputy. He couldn't have forgotten because we talked about him coming over all day yesterday. He promised he'd give me a huge hug because of what happened on Monday and because I was having a lousy day yesterday, but he never showed. It's typical of him. It's one of the things we fought about most. Now I'm sure he'll come back with some excuse like he fell asleep or he was hanging out with J - doesn't matter. The one person I considered my best friend couldn't even follow through on plans to hang out when he knew I needed him the most.

Then of course, Valentine's day is coming up. Joy. Now, I've had a boyfriend pretty much every v-day since I started dating, but I haven't actually celebrated v-day since....well, I don't remember. It always ends up being screwed up. Last year C was out of town, the three years before that with J, well, he always managed to make that day a living hell for me. Before that I was with the Deputy, and he just didn't seem to care about it. I think the only person I've ever celebrated v-day with was MF. He always made it so special. He made everything special. Of course, he actually loved me and cared about me, unlike the others.

So this year will be no different than the last few. I'll be alone, well, with Lo. There is a Tour de Broward that day for the Joe Dimaggio Children's Hospital. I think I'll do their 5k run, or perhaps the 3k family walk. That hospital is where Lo stayed when we had the eye infection, and they were amazing. I don't think I would have been able to last a week there without their help and kindness.

Ok, I'm done bitching. I can already tell today is either going to be a fighting day or a crying day. It sucks so much, but that's just the way it is. I gotta get myself in check because when I'm like this I get into self-destruct mode. All I want is for someone to hold me while I cry. No talking, no asking questions, just for them to hold me. Is that too much to ask?