What to do...

As much as I hate to admit it, I am single. It sucks and I wish it wasn't so, but alas, I have yet to meet my prince charming. I've had plenty of fun with the toads though. :) I have a point - I promise. My ex, the deputy, has been dropping hints about us getting together again. Do I love him, yes, but I'm not in love with him. Unfortunately, my heart still belongs to someone else. I know, I know, I need to get over C, I've heard it all before. That's easier said than done. I love him and feelings like that don't just go away. I went out with waiter boy, M, and the firefighter in hopes that I'd get over him, but no dice. Ugh, I hate it. It sucks so much when someone has that kind of control over me. Sometimes love just bites. I saw this on Angela's page one day, it was the love quote of the day, and I thought it was perfect:


"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you up and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love."


Yes, it blows. It's so confusing. I'd like to give it another try with the deputy. We had fun and we split because he needed to concentrate on his career. I just want to make sure that I'd be with him because I want to, and not to get over C or because I don't want to be alone. I talked to my ex, MF about it (my first boyfriend that I would get back together with in a heartbeat). I went into the whole speil about C and this is what he told me, "back and forth passes the time. be friends with some benefits until you meet someone worth keeping, that way you don't go crazy without any nookie..." Yes, it's no secret that without sex I do kinda go a little crazy - but we all go a little crazy sometimes... (cue "psycho" music. lol) So what if you find the person worth keeping but they're too blind to see it?


I understand where C was coming from with us splitting; you can't force feelings that aren't there. Plus he's obviously fine with the idea of tapping some strange - a thought that tears me up inside - so there is like virtually no chance of a reconciliation. But me and deputy. I don't know. At one point he was my life. I wanted to marry him. Maybe if we give it another go then the feelings will come rushing back. I know that whenever we're together I feel safe. I don't really have romantic feelings for him, but if we do give it another go then maybe those feelings will come back. Maybe that's something that C should have considered. I mean, I've changed so much since we first met. Maybe if we would have given it another try he would find that he does have those feelings for me and I'd be happy instead of miserable.