The Man that Started it All...
In “celebration” of the upcoming one year anniversary of all hell breaking loose, I thought I'd share my story. I know that I've given little snippets here and there, but never the whole thing. Since this blog is devoted to me, I thought that I could do this without anyone complaining. This is the report that I gave the police, I just edited the names and locations.
Read or skip, the choice is yours...
On Friday, October 3, 2008, I picked J up so that he could spend some time with our daughter, L. We immediately started arguing because he reaked of cigarettes and I told him that I didn’t want that smell in my car or around L. On the way to the day care he told me he had a gun in his backpack. I got upset and told him that I didn’t want that in my car. At the daycare we were still arguing because he wanted to pick L up and take her for the weekend. I told him no because #1 – his license is suspended and I didn’t want to risk him getting arrested and L going into protective services, and #2 – I didn’t trust that his wife wouldn’t be there. We had made an agreement when we first had L that the ex would never be near her. She has harrassed me and my family numerous times in the past, showed up at my house to cause trouble, and has even attempted to get a key to my hotel room when L and I went to visit J in Naples. I do not feel safe with her around my daughter. He told me that if he wanted to that he could take L and that I wouldn’t be able to find her, but that he was trying to go about things the right way. This was not the first time that he said he could take her and disappear.
He asked again if he could take her and I said no – he then snatched the glasses off of my face, scratching my nose in the process, and started choking me. I hit my car horn with my leg to try to get someone’s attention. He then started punching me. I had my arm up to block my face and he punched me over half a dozen times in the arm, my side, and my leg. My arm hurt so badly that I could barely move it. I was crying and told him I just wanted to get L. He asked if I would call the police when I got inside, and pulled out his phone and called one of his friends. He told them my address and said something along the lines of ‘I’ll call you’. He told me that he has a lot of friends that owe him favors and that they not only know my address, but the addresses of two of my aunts, and that if they didn’t hear back from him that they would hurt my family.
We then both went into the daycare to pick up L. At that time my mother called to make sure everything was alright. I found out later that someone from the day care had called her about the fight in the car. I told her that I was fine. In the daycare J had to pick L up because my arm was hurting so badly that I couldn’t even lift her. When we got back to the car I was hesitent to get in, but he told me he wasn’t going to hurt me again. When I got in the car he asked if he could have L the weekend of the 18th. I was afraid of being hit again so I said fine. He had also pulled out his box of cigarettes and showed me some blue pills that he had, saying that that was enough to kill him. When he first pulled them out I thought he was going to make me take them, but he put them away, so I’m not sure why he showed them to me. He said that he needed some assurance that he would have her, and that $800 would work. He told me the amount of money that I had in my bank account that morning (I had just gotten paid and he somehow gotten access to my banking information), and I reminded him that I just spent $350 on daycare, so he asked for $500. I told him that I could only take out $400 and he explained that I could take out $400 then call the bank and have them remove the block and take out the rest of the money; he had done his homework.
When we were pulling out of the daycare a BSO deputy pulled in and asked us to park the car. When we were pulling back into the daycare J freaked out about the gun being hot and tossed a little bag in my backseat which he said contained Xanax. He told me not to worry, that he wouldn’t let me take the blame for it, but also reminded me that if his buddies didn’t hear back from him that it would be trouble for my family. When we spoke with the deputy he said that the daycare called and asked if everything was ok. I was too afraid for my family’s life to say anything, so I said we were fine, that we were just arguing about custody. He deputy then said fine, wrote down our names, and that was it.
When we left I tried to reason with J, telling him that we could have a nice day, that he didn’t have to do this, but he didn’t care. I then asked if I could at least get gas before he robbed me since I was on empty, but again he said no. Whenever I would try to reason with him or get him to stop doing this he would grab for his backpack. I told him I couldn’t believe that he would kill me in front of our daughter, but he said he wouldn’t kill me, he’d just make sure it’d hurt. I drove to the bank and again tried to reason with him, explaining that if he took the money that I wouldn’t be able to buy diapers or food for L – again he didn’t care. When I pulled into the drive up atm he told me to try for $500, and unfortunately it worked. He snatched he money out of my hand and said to drop him back off at the parking lot. When I dropped him off I went to leave the parking lot, heading in his direction. He got upset and told me to go the other way. I found out from the officers that the ex was in his car waiting for him, causing me to believe that this was planned in advance by both of them.
The entire time he was in the car, threatening me with the gun, L was in the backseat crying. When he got out of the car she stopped, and when he opened the door to say bye to her she started screaming again. As soon as he left for good she was fine. Although she is young I do feel that she knew something was wrong and that he was causing it; why else would she calm down as soon as he left?
I then went to the restaurant where my family was having dinner. When I went in I told them what had happened and that he threatened not only me, but them as well. My mom called the 911 and Davie police showed up. During that time J was calling my phone. I had him on speaker when the officer arrived, but he acted as if nothing had happened. He spoke with the officer and told him on three different occasions that he would show up and speak with them, but he never did. The BSO deputy that had gone to the daycare showed up and told me that he didn’t believe that I was hurt because he was trained to look for things and didn’t see anything and I didn’t seem upset, even though my arm was bruised and swollen (it had already started to bruise and swell at the daycare), and I also had a scratch on my neck from when he choked me. When I told him that I was scared for my family’s life he insinuated that J was probably bluffing, which I didn’t believe.
J had called non-stop from the time I left the restaurant to about 11 the next morning, even though the Davie officers had told him not to call me anymore. At that time I changed my cell phone number and we unplugged our house phone so that he would not harrass us anymore. I did not answer the phone, but he left messages. At first he was saying that he didn’t know what was going on and why was I doing this. Then he said he would give back the money - during a conversation with my mom he said that I had the money, and then claimed that I gave it to him. Then he said that he would sign over all rights to L if I dropped the charges, and finally he just wanted the number of the officer so that he could speak with them. In the middle of the messages of him panicing about the possibility of going to jail, he also left a message, unknowingly, of him and his buddies hanging out and joking around, which showed me that he didn’t even care about any of it. At about 3 the next morning he started calling me again, even after I had changed my phone number. He was leaving me messages that it was a 911 emergency, that someone was hurt and it effected L, and someone close to him died. I still ignored the phone calls. The last phone call that he made to me was on Friday, October 10.
My arm the day after. It was difficult to get a decent picture of the bruise, but you can somewhat see the swelling. The bruising went around my arm, and since I don't bruise easily, it was actually worse than it looked.
Read or skip, the choice is yours...
On Friday, October 3, 2008, I picked J up so that he could spend some time with our daughter, L. We immediately started arguing because he reaked of cigarettes and I told him that I didn’t want that smell in my car or around L. On the way to the day care he told me he had a gun in his backpack. I got upset and told him that I didn’t want that in my car. At the daycare we were still arguing because he wanted to pick L up and take her for the weekend. I told him no because #1 – his license is suspended and I didn’t want to risk him getting arrested and L going into protective services, and #2 – I didn’t trust that his wife wouldn’t be there. We had made an agreement when we first had L that the ex would never be near her. She has harrassed me and my family numerous times in the past, showed up at my house to cause trouble, and has even attempted to get a key to my hotel room when L and I went to visit J in Naples. I do not feel safe with her around my daughter. He told me that if he wanted to that he could take L and that I wouldn’t be able to find her, but that he was trying to go about things the right way. This was not the first time that he said he could take her and disappear.
He asked again if he could take her and I said no – he then snatched the glasses off of my face, scratching my nose in the process, and started choking me. I hit my car horn with my leg to try to get someone’s attention. He then started punching me. I had my arm up to block my face and he punched me over half a dozen times in the arm, my side, and my leg. My arm hurt so badly that I could barely move it. I was crying and told him I just wanted to get L. He asked if I would call the police when I got inside, and pulled out his phone and called one of his friends. He told them my address and said something along the lines of ‘I’ll call you’. He told me that he has a lot of friends that owe him favors and that they not only know my address, but the addresses of two of my aunts, and that if they didn’t hear back from him that they would hurt my family.
We then both went into the daycare to pick up L. At that time my mother called to make sure everything was alright. I found out later that someone from the day care had called her about the fight in the car. I told her that I was fine. In the daycare J had to pick L up because my arm was hurting so badly that I couldn’t even lift her. When we got back to the car I was hesitent to get in, but he told me he wasn’t going to hurt me again. When I got in the car he asked if he could have L the weekend of the 18th. I was afraid of being hit again so I said fine. He had also pulled out his box of cigarettes and showed me some blue pills that he had, saying that that was enough to kill him. When he first pulled them out I thought he was going to make me take them, but he put them away, so I’m not sure why he showed them to me. He said that he needed some assurance that he would have her, and that $800 would work. He told me the amount of money that I had in my bank account that morning (I had just gotten paid and he somehow gotten access to my banking information), and I reminded him that I just spent $350 on daycare, so he asked for $500. I told him that I could only take out $400 and he explained that I could take out $400 then call the bank and have them remove the block and take out the rest of the money; he had done his homework.
When we were pulling out of the daycare a BSO deputy pulled in and asked us to park the car. When we were pulling back into the daycare J freaked out about the gun being hot and tossed a little bag in my backseat which he said contained Xanax. He told me not to worry, that he wouldn’t let me take the blame for it, but also reminded me that if his buddies didn’t hear back from him that it would be trouble for my family. When we spoke with the deputy he said that the daycare called and asked if everything was ok. I was too afraid for my family’s life to say anything, so I said we were fine, that we were just arguing about custody. He deputy then said fine, wrote down our names, and that was it.
When we left I tried to reason with J, telling him that we could have a nice day, that he didn’t have to do this, but he didn’t care. I then asked if I could at least get gas before he robbed me since I was on empty, but again he said no. Whenever I would try to reason with him or get him to stop doing this he would grab for his backpack. I told him I couldn’t believe that he would kill me in front of our daughter, but he said he wouldn’t kill me, he’d just make sure it’d hurt. I drove to the bank and again tried to reason with him, explaining that if he took the money that I wouldn’t be able to buy diapers or food for L – again he didn’t care. When I pulled into the drive up atm he told me to try for $500, and unfortunately it worked. He snatched he money out of my hand and said to drop him back off at the parking lot. When I dropped him off I went to leave the parking lot, heading in his direction. He got upset and told me to go the other way. I found out from the officers that the ex was in his car waiting for him, causing me to believe that this was planned in advance by both of them.
The entire time he was in the car, threatening me with the gun, L was in the backseat crying. When he got out of the car she stopped, and when he opened the door to say bye to her she started screaming again. As soon as he left for good she was fine. Although she is young I do feel that she knew something was wrong and that he was causing it; why else would she calm down as soon as he left?
I then went to the restaurant where my family was having dinner. When I went in I told them what had happened and that he threatened not only me, but them as well. My mom called the 911 and Davie police showed up. During that time J was calling my phone. I had him on speaker when the officer arrived, but he acted as if nothing had happened. He spoke with the officer and told him on three different occasions that he would show up and speak with them, but he never did. The BSO deputy that had gone to the daycare showed up and told me that he didn’t believe that I was hurt because he was trained to look for things and didn’t see anything and I didn’t seem upset, even though my arm was bruised and swollen (it had already started to bruise and swell at the daycare), and I also had a scratch on my neck from when he choked me. When I told him that I was scared for my family’s life he insinuated that J was probably bluffing, which I didn’t believe.
J had called non-stop from the time I left the restaurant to about 11 the next morning, even though the Davie officers had told him not to call me anymore. At that time I changed my cell phone number and we unplugged our house phone so that he would not harrass us anymore. I did not answer the phone, but he left messages. At first he was saying that he didn’t know what was going on and why was I doing this. Then he said he would give back the money - during a conversation with my mom he said that I had the money, and then claimed that I gave it to him. Then he said that he would sign over all rights to L if I dropped the charges, and finally he just wanted the number of the officer so that he could speak with them. In the middle of the messages of him panicing about the possibility of going to jail, he also left a message, unknowingly, of him and his buddies hanging out and joking around, which showed me that he didn’t even care about any of it. At about 3 the next morning he started calling me again, even after I had changed my phone number. He was leaving me messages that it was a 911 emergency, that someone was hurt and it effected L, and someone close to him died. I still ignored the phone calls. The last phone call that he made to me was on Friday, October 10.
My arm the day after. It was difficult to get a decent picture of the bruise, but you can somewhat see the swelling. The bruising went around my arm, and since I don't bruise easily, it was actually worse than it looked.
This is the scratch he left me when he was choking me. I didn't even know that I had it until some drunk girl at the restaurant pointed it out to me.
I know the injuries don't seem too severe - they never really were. He might have been a crazy SOB, but he was smart about it. He only hit me in the face once - busted my lip - because he didn't want to leave a mark. All the other times he'd choke me, or punch me in the ribs. There were many times that I'd end up with bald spots from him dragging me around by my hair. I remember one time when I was trying to leave his house, I was holding L, who was only a few months old, and he grabbed me by my hair and smashed my head into the wooden front door.
Why did I stay with him? Why didn't I just leave? Well, contrary to what some people might think, I never experienced violence at home. As far as I was concerned, my parents never hit each other. I never got into fights at school. The only time I was ever hurt is when my BFF gave me two black eyes at one time - I took her barbie and she hit me, so I called her "buffalo butt" and she hit me again. Contrary to what I even believed, I didn't stay with him so that L could have a father. I stayed with him because I was scared.
J had a lot of issues. At first he was amazing. We were happily living together; I think we only got in one argument before I got pregnant. It was after I got knocked up that he changed. One day I tried to get him up for work, and I found that he had taken a lot of Xanax, and that he had more in his hand - he wanted to kill himself. I climbed on top of him to try to get the pills away from him; he grabbed me by my throat, threw me to the ground and started choking me, screaming that he was going to kill me. I fooled myself into believing that it was the drugs talking, that it was a one time thing. A few days later we were arguing because he didn't come home the night before. He spit in my face and I instinctively slapped him. He responded by choking me, again, this time with my back to the wall. After that I moved out.
He claimed to have gotten help, got a new job, wanted to be better person. I was hesitant, but I gave him a chance, since I had seen that he was doing better. He eventually had no place to live, so my mom let him stay with us. He would stay up all night using my computer to look at porn. He was even so lazy that he used my candles as his own personal bathroom, and then hide them under the bed so I wouldn't know. He was disgusting, not the man that I had fallen in love with at all. We got in a fight and he ended up moving back in with his ex. I was officially done with him.
Things kind of became a blur from that point until I ended up giving birth. Of course, he was there when I had L, and he was absolutely amazing. I could not have asked for a better person to be there with me, at that time. That night he said that since he had to work the next day, that I should stay up with the baby and then the next night he'd stay up so I could sleep. I was ok with that. The next night we got into an argument because my parent's didn't want him spending the night at our house - a reasonable thing - but because of that he decided that he wasn't going to stay up with L, so I had another sleepless night. Our arguing got so bad that I was in tears and the nurses came in and took L to the nursery. The next few weeks I was severely depressed. I didn't know if it was PPD, the situation with J, or both.
Every time I would try to escape him, he'd threaten me. He threatened to destroy our property or kill himself. He said that he'd leave a note for his boys saying that I was the reason he was dead. It took a serious toll on me. I didn't know what to do. I was too ashamed and embarrassed to go to my family; I felt completely lost.
I know the injuries don't seem too severe - they never really were. He might have been a crazy SOB, but he was smart about it. He only hit me in the face once - busted my lip - because he didn't want to leave a mark. All the other times he'd choke me, or punch me in the ribs. There were many times that I'd end up with bald spots from him dragging me around by my hair. I remember one time when I was trying to leave his house, I was holding L, who was only a few months old, and he grabbed me by my hair and smashed my head into the wooden front door.
Why did I stay with him? Why didn't I just leave? Well, contrary to what some people might think, I never experienced violence at home. As far as I was concerned, my parents never hit each other. I never got into fights at school. The only time I was ever hurt is when my BFF gave me two black eyes at one time - I took her barbie and she hit me, so I called her "buffalo butt" and she hit me again. Contrary to what I even believed, I didn't stay with him so that L could have a father. I stayed with him because I was scared.
J had a lot of issues. At first he was amazing. We were happily living together; I think we only got in one argument before I got pregnant. It was after I got knocked up that he changed. One day I tried to get him up for work, and I found that he had taken a lot of Xanax, and that he had more in his hand - he wanted to kill himself. I climbed on top of him to try to get the pills away from him; he grabbed me by my throat, threw me to the ground and started choking me, screaming that he was going to kill me. I fooled myself into believing that it was the drugs talking, that it was a one time thing. A few days later we were arguing because he didn't come home the night before. He spit in my face and I instinctively slapped him. He responded by choking me, again, this time with my back to the wall. After that I moved out.
He claimed to have gotten help, got a new job, wanted to be better person. I was hesitant, but I gave him a chance, since I had seen that he was doing better. He eventually had no place to live, so my mom let him stay with us. He would stay up all night using my computer to look at porn. He was even so lazy that he used my candles as his own personal bathroom, and then hide them under the bed so I wouldn't know. He was disgusting, not the man that I had fallen in love with at all. We got in a fight and he ended up moving back in with his ex. I was officially done with him.
Things kind of became a blur from that point until I ended up giving birth. Of course, he was there when I had L, and he was absolutely amazing. I could not have asked for a better person to be there with me, at that time. That night he said that since he had to work the next day, that I should stay up with the baby and then the next night he'd stay up so I could sleep. I was ok with that. The next night we got into an argument because my parent's didn't want him spending the night at our house - a reasonable thing - but because of that he decided that he wasn't going to stay up with L, so I had another sleepless night. Our arguing got so bad that I was in tears and the nurses came in and took L to the nursery. The next few weeks I was severely depressed. I didn't know if it was PPD, the situation with J, or both.
Every time I would try to escape him, he'd threaten me. He threatened to destroy our property or kill himself. He said that he'd leave a note for his boys saying that I was the reason he was dead. It took a serious toll on me. I didn't know what to do. I was too ashamed and embarrassed to go to my family; I felt completely lost.
Just wow. I'm so glad you got yourself and L away from him. What an amazing story.
ReplyDeleteI've started writing down different things that I went through, trying to get them on paper and out of my head. It's a lot. I'm considering making a book or something. Maybe one day, when she's much, much older, L can read about it and understand why her father isn't there. Maybe. I dunno, I'm not sure if that would just screw her up or not. Regardless, I'd like to write a book on my experiences and hopefully help some other women out there.
ReplyDelete