Trial Update

I spoke with the state attorney handling my case last night. He gave me an overview of how things are going. The judge wasn't able to get to J yesterday so he goes in today for the calendar call. The SA said that the trial might be next week, but it depends on the defense attorney, apparently his kid is sick, something like that.

The defense has been asking about a plea, so we discussed it yesterday and I said my ideal plea would be 1 year + 1 day (that'd be prison), plus 2 years probation, drug and anger counseling. He told me that the defense plans on calling up the original deputy that responded because he said he didn't see anything wrong. Mind you, this deputy ended up under investigation because he didn't do his job that day - didn't even do the paperwork properly. Then he said that the deputy is currently on sick leave so he might not even be at court. The other officers and detectives would be called up by prosecution and they would help my case. I also found out that the ATM surveillance was apparently malfunctioning that day, so there's no video of the robbery, just the receipt and my word against his. The pictures aren't too clear showing the bruises, so I'm in semi-panic mode right now. I told him that if they wanted to try to talk the plea down, I'll accept 6 months plus 3 years probation and counseling. I'd rather him get something than nothing. He did tell me that if he's found guilty his is facing a very long time in prison.

I'm waiting for him to call me back and let me know when the date will be, and he said he'll call me a few hours before I need to appear so that I'm not sitting around for hours. They would need to do jury selection and everything first, and he doesn't even know if I'd be called to testify the first day. I really hope that J accepts the first plea bargain, but if he doesn't, I'll have no problem testifying against him.

Moving Out?

I've been in talks with my cousin and his fiance to get a place together. I received a call last night that they found a townhouse and they'd like me to look at it, so everything might fall into place. So I'm all excited and I send out texts to my friends about it, and C replies asking who I'm moving in with, and then he's like, "u should move in with me". Um.... what? I've been waiting months for him to show some sign that he wants to get serious, and then when I have plans to move in with someone else he offers this? What, will he wait until I'm engaged to say I should marry him? My reply, "um... I'm gonna go take my final now."

The thing is, I don't think I'll be able to afford the place because I found out that instead of splitting it 3 ways like I logically thought, they're talking about 50/50, which doesn't seem fair to me. I can't afford $700 a month; if I could I'd be on my own already. So if this happens to fall through, I wonder if I can take C up on his offer, if only to call his bluff.

The Challenge

As I was drinking my Caramel Brulee Latte and staring down the peppermint brownie I got from Starbucks, I was hit with the sudden realization that the wedding is only 2 months away! Holy crap, right? I was fitted for my bridesmaid dress months ago, and I'll get it next week, but I've put on a little weight since then. So my challenge now is to lose that excess weight before the wedding. So, 15 lbs in 2 months - can I do it? Hell, I've done it before.

It should be easy since classes end next week and I'll have the time to start working out - the first few weeks are always the hardest, after that I crave it since I get such an intense high from it. My classes next semester are every other day, so that'll work out perfectly for my working out.

Certain people think that I look better with a little meat on my bones, but I liked my flat tummy, and now I have a gut; it doesn't make me happy. Let me put it this way - I've gone from a size 3 to a size 7 in the past year. Now, I'm not wanting to get back down to a 3 because my coworker started calling me her little ethiopian, but I'd like to get back down to a 5.

So here's the plan. I gotta cut out the carbonated beverages, coffee, and energy drinks (I'l start after finals are over), and that will help me lose some weight, since the sugar from that collects around your midsection. I also gotta stop with all the alcohol, since I'm almost positive that the Yuengling has a lot to do with the mini beer belly I've got goin on. Then I can start going for runs and get some cardio going. C said I should run a half marathon with him in January, don't think that'll happen (at my best I can barely run a 5k, let alone 13 miles!). Maybe in 2011. Then I can get back on my 30 day challenge with the Wii Fit, which totally kicks my butt as well. I'm fairly certain if I stick to that, that I can be down 10-15lbs by the wedding. I'll keep ya posted. :)

All About The Finals...

This week will be the most stressful week of the semester. I have my finals. A test tonight, Thursday, Saturday, and Monday. I also have my research project due on Tuesday. I'm trying to figure out how to handle everything. For my test tonight I'm allowed to bring a half page study guide, but I didn't bring one last time and ended up with 101% (extra credit). My test on Thursday I know will be difficult, and I have to do well on it if I want a B (I have to Ace it if I want an A). Same goes for my other two tests. I need to do well (B or higher) to get a good grade (an A). I'm hoping that the extra credit I did for my criminology class is good, because that could give me 5% points added on to my final grade - that'll bring me up a whole letter.

So I guess I'll spend the week studying, and then this weekend I'll work on my research project. Most of the work is already done, I just need to write out the results and stuff like that. It'll end up being 30+ pages and it worth 30% of the final grade, so I don't want to fake it.

C already told me that he wants to see my grades when they are turned in. He's really pushing me to do well, although the punishment for not doing well doesn't work too much. If I get a C or less then he'd bend me over the counter and have his way with me. Um... wouldn't that make me want to do poorly? :)

Anyway, regardless of what he says or does, I know I need to do well. Can't get into med school with bad grades.

Dr. Roo - has a nice ring to it...

I've decided I want to be a doctor. I've been toying with the idea for years. At first I wanted to be a medical examiner, then a pediatrician, an obstetrician, and then I decided on psychologist.

I've been thinking about my future a lot lately, and when I picture myself working, it's in a white coat in a hospital, dealing with the psychiatric patients. So, I decided that I want to be a psychiatrist instead of just a psychologist (psychiatrists get to prescribe meds). I've been looking into it and I'm thinking about going to USF for med school. The first few years cover basic medical knowledge, and then you go into your specialty. This means that if I decide I want to be a surgeon or whatever during those first two years, I wouldn't have wasted my time. It's going to be expensive, but worth it.

So now I need to make sure I truly step up my game with my school work so that my transcripts are impressive. I also need to start saving up money because I'd have to move to Tampa and I won't be able to work while in the program - I'd have to survive on scholarships and loans. By the time I start med school Lo will be in elementary school, so I won't have to pay for day care, so that's a good thing. Man, so many things to think of. I just know that this is what I've always wanted, but I've been psyching myself out because it's pricey. Hmmm... better start saving now.

Maybe it is all about the game...

Looks like things aren't going to work out with the firefighter, unless I want to wait a year for him to get his divorce finalized and to finish medic school. As much as I would love to say, hell yeah, I'll wait, I know myself and it ain't happening. We'll still be friends, but he said he feels like a jerk because he can't devote enough time to me and not being able to see me is killing him. I know, I've heard it from some others that it's just a line, but I'd like to believe it's true. Call me immature or naive if you will, but it just makes me feel better.

Something odd is going on with C. He started ignoring me, so I called him out on it via text and he claimed it's because I was in love with someone else. Um... not really, but ok. Then he asked me to call him, which he never did, even when we were dating. Ok, phone call went well, we bs'd back & forth, it was all good. I got on his case for not letting me see his new car yet (2010 Chevy Camaro - Transformers Edition), so he said I should come by after class, don't call, he'll leave the door unlocked and I can just climb into bed with him. I'm like whatever, and got off the phone. Then I thought for a moment and realized; I'm not a booty call, not any more. So I sent him a text: "changed my mind, lock your door before going to bed." He couldn't believe I didn't show - no, I'm not guessing, he texted me the next day that he couldn't believe it. So then he went off to Georgia for his hunting trip.

Monday - He's back in town, comes to the office, by my desk to say hi. Asks me how things are with the firefighter, I say nothing's happening, so he invited me to lunch with his mom. Oh, I guess I should mention that he greeted me with a boob grab, which is usual for him, a hug, & a kiss, although neither one of us could quite figure out why we kissed. Force of habit I suppose. We walk over to his mom's office (she's the owner of the company btw), and he tells her I'll be joining them for lunch, she thinks it's great, and then he tells her about how I just got dumped. Wow, thanks darlin'! So then I started raggin on him about how obviously the guy couldn't like up to past boyfriends (per C's previous fb post), and maybe C should interview the guys to make sure they're worthy first. Even his mom got in on it and started raggin on him. Went to lunch, it was all good.

Tuesday - Off of work, went to the eye doctor, finally getting rid of the glasses and getting contacts. I was kinda bummed because they have to special order my trial pair since my eyes are special. Gave blood and found out that the blood bank I go to donates their blood to the pediatric unit. Yay me, saving kid's lives. :) So, dialated eyes, kinda dizzy because I couldn't see, kinda lightheaded from giving blood. Yeah, I was doing great. Went home, caught up on my soaps (don't judge me). Then C called. He just wanted to let me know that I never really liked the ff, I was just projecting all of my wants onto him because he was interested. He also wanted to assure me that the ff was not interested, but he had no ulterior motives, just looking out for my best interests. I just laughed, asked if that was all, and hung up.

Wednesday - Checked my fb account when I got to work, as I always do (on my phone, not on the computer), and saw that C had commented on my post "I have the worst luck with guys". He said, "nothing like an innocuous 'i hate men' comment to illicit an avalanche of sympathizing comments". I never said I hated men, just that I was jaded. I just commented back asking where the note for the newest casualty was, that he was slacking.

We went from 0 contact to him contacting me in some way everyday for the past 3 days. He didn't contact me that much when we were dating. Is it true? Is it because I'm finally learning to play the game? Don't show interest in the guy and suddenly he'll want you? It's all very interesting to me.

So about the FF, yeah, it sucks that things didn't work out, but in hindsight, it's for the best. He's a nice guy, very good looking, and very fun to be around.... but at the end of the day, if I can't sit back and have an intellectual conversation with you, if we can't cuddle in bed watching jeopardy together, it's just not gonna work. Plus, the fact that he still called her his wife, and he's still hating on her new guy proves that he's just not ready to be with anyone else. I'm not a rebound chick. Everything happens for a reason. :)

People Are Cowards

Yup, I finally figured it out. People are cowards. It's odd how their cowardess is shown though. For example; someone might not have a problem running into a burning building to save a stranger’s life, yet they're too scared to tell the girl they were supposedly interested in that they're not interested anymore, and instead will string them along. Cowards.

Then there are those people that are too afraid to speak their mind because they're worried about how others will perceive them. They want to be liked, feel accepted. They will go along with the "gang mentality", if you will. It's a heuristical error. Instead of making decisions on their own, and possibly being wrong, people will agree with what others say because then the whole group would be wrong and the blame can be passed around. It’s easier than being the one “wrong” person. I'm not like that. I'm finding that I'm becoming more of a risk taker. I say what I feel and if you don't like it, well sucks for you. I'm not in high school anymore. I'm not into cliques; never have been. People want to say that I'm not being a good friend because I thought something was funny, well then they just don't know me at all. I challenge you to find one person that I know IRL to tell you that I'm a bad friend. It’s just not going to happen. I am one of the most loyal people you will ever meet. Will I call you out on your shit? Hell yes. Why? Because that’s what friends, true friends, do. They don’t blow smoke up your ass and tell you everything is all peaches when it’s not.

Well, let's look at this for a second. What makes a person a good or bad friend? It's all subjective, I know, but in my opinion, a good friend is not someone who will always agree with you and always take your side. I know, doesn't make much sense to most people, but if I'm wrong, I don't want someone to back me up insisting that I must be right. How in the world is that supposed to help me? It’s like, “hey, I know you’ve been talking shit about someone, but I’ll still back you up even though I think you’re wrong.” No, a good friend will call me out and let me know when I'm wrong. They will let me know when I’ve crossed the line. They will be honest. A true friend will tell me when I'm being an idiot. A true friend is not a "yes man". Also, a true friend is not going to ignore one friend's indiscretions and yet punish another for something much more minor. That's not a friend, that's someone who's looking for a fight. You wanna sit here and call me out because I laughed at something, fine, then you better be calling out all the other people that, instead of just laughing at a comment, actually wrote scathing reviews about the person you were defending. Oh, but people can look past that, right? It’s ok, she’s a friend, she can say that. Laugh about someone’s comment who is our enemy – oh, hell no. You’re done. Yeah. Loyal my ass.

At the end of the day, it comes down to this: I will laugh at whatever the fuck I want to laugh at. I will agree with whatever the fuck I want to agree with. I will disagree with whatever the fuck I want to disagree with. Sensing a pattern here? I am my own person, with my own thoughts and opinions, and if you don’t like it, if my being an individual doesn’t mesh with your view of how the world should be, then you can go suck a toad. I’m not putting up with anyone’s shit anymore. Fuck that.

Enough with the Damn Games!!!

Here's a little piece of advice for all you guys out there - most women appreciate honesty. If you're just not into her, let her know. If you were only using her for sex, don't lead her on to think that it was something else. Don't sit here and tell her that, yeah you can't wait to see her again, and then come up with excuses as to why you can't make plans. Don't pull that, yeah you're my girl, then not call or text. Get rid of the damn expectation that women are the ones that should initiate all conversations. Don't sit here and say that you have no feelings for someone and then get all pissy when they're talking to someone else. Try some FUCKING HONESTY for once in your MISERABLY PATHETIC FUCKING LIVES!!! Ok - well obviously that last part isn't for all guys, just for certain people.

My God, do people just not care about how their actions effect others? Do they think that they can play these damn games and that no one will get hurt? It's not fair to the people out there that are actually looking for someone to be with. I just don't fucking get it. Everything is all fine and dandy and then one day, BAM, communication is out the window. Why, because I was interested and you think you have it in the bag? WTF???

Can someone please explain the thought process behind that? Why pretend that you like someone and then not talk to them? It truly boggles the mind.

Song of the Day

"Realize" - Colby Caillat

Take time to realize,
That your warmth is
Crashing down on in.
Take time to realize,
That I am on your side
Didn't I, Didn't I tell you.

But I can't spell it out for you,
No it's never gonna be that simple
No I cant spell it out for you

If you just realize what I just realized,
Then we'd be perfect for each other
and will never find another
Just realized what I just realized
we'd never have to wonder if
we missed out on each other now.

Take time to realize
Oh-oh I'm on your side
didn't I, didn't I tell you.
Take time to realize
This all can pass you by
Didn't I tell you

But I can't spell it out for you,
no it's never gonna be that simple
no I can't spell it out for you.

If you just realized what I just realized
then we'd be perfect for each other
then we'd never find another
Just realized what I just realized
we'd never have to wonder if
we missed out on each other now.

It's not always the same
no it's never the same
if you don't feel it too.
If you meet me half way
If you would meet me half way.
It could be the same for you.

If you just realize what I just realized
then we'd be perfect for each other
then we'd never find another
Just realize what I just realized
we'd never have to wonder
Just realize what I just realized

If you just realize what I just realized

OoOoOOo

missed out on each other now
missed out on each other now
Realize, realize

realize, realize

Distance Sucks

I miss him already. It totally sucks. I had an amazing dream about him last night, woke up, and was totally bummed because he's 2 hours away from me. It makes me so sad to think that I can't see him every day. I suppose in a way that's good because we can make sure that we have a solid relationship and we will know for certain that it's not built purely on sex. Although I really want to jump his bones, I mean, y'all saw that picture, right? Giggity :)

We didn't get to talk too much last night because we both had class (He's in school to be a paramedic, did I mention that?) I just hope I can see him on the 21st. I'm a very affectionate person, so this is killing me. All I can think about is how great it felt to have his arms around me, how great his kisses are... yeah, I'm in trouble.

Giggity...

I met the firefighter this weekend. Oh...my...God!!! First of all, his FB picture just does not do him justice. He is just so incredibly good looking. I was speechless! Thank goodness my friend was there to do the talking when we met because I just could not form a single thought. After a few minutes I finally said Hi and we did the hug thing and whatnot. :)

He had his son with him when we first met up, and from what I saw he's a great father. I'm sure L and his son will have fun playing together. We all took a walk by the lake and it was really nice. I wasn't myself at all. Normally I can talk someones ear off, but I was just so nervous, it was wierd.

We met up later on at a bar and I was a little bit more comfortable. I had a beer and the football game was on, so I was more at ease. He had some beers and got a little more loose as well (I cut myself off at 2 drinks, I was not going to get out of control.) There was some kissing and whatnot, then we ended up going to another bar, and I drove his truck since he had been drinking. Seriously, when you need a step to get into your truck, it might be too big, but apparently that's the norm there.

Um, so yeah, I ended up driving him home and we spent the night together. It was so nice falling asleep in his arms. Heaven. :) I was well behaved though. He actually told me, you're gonna have to deal with just sleeping next to me tonight and not with me until we get to know each other more. Yeah, nothing like the boys from down here! It was just amazing. :) He was also like, so does this make us bf/gf, and I asked, well what do you think, and he's like, yeah, you're my girl. When we woke up I asked if I was still his girl (to make sure it wasn't the alcohol talking), and he said yes.

I was so bummed when I had to come back home. I miss him so much already! I won't get to see him again until the 21st. It's seriously unreal how much I like him.

To Write Love On Her Arms

This is the backstory to one of the charities I support, taken from their website www.twloha.com. I'm posting this because this is the time of year when most people feel they are at their worse. Especially with the way the economy is going, people have turned to drugs and alcohol to help with their problems... there is other help out there. No one should be ashamed or embarassed to ask for help. This is a great charity to support - you can give donations or purchase shirts/bags/books from them. Remember, "Love is the Movement"...

"Pedro the Lion is loud in the speakers, and the city waits just outside our open windows. She sits and sings, legs crossed in the passenger seat, her pretty voice hiding in the volume. Music is a safe place and Pedro is her favorite. It hits me that she won't see this skyline for several weeks, and we will be without her. I lean forward, knowing this will be written, and I ask what she'd say if her story had an audience. She smiles. "Tell them to look up. Tell them to remember the stars."

I would rather write her a song, because songs don't wait to resolve, and because songs mean so much to her. Stories wait for endings, but songs are brave things bold enough to sing when all they know is darkness. These words, like most words, will be written next to midnight, between hurricane and harbor, as both claim to save her.

Renee is 19. When I meet her, cocaine is fresh in her system. She hasn't slept in 36 hours and she won't for another 24. It is a familiar blur of coke, pot, pills and alcohol. She has agreed to meet us, to listen and to let us pray. We ask Renee to come with us, to leave this broken night. She says she'll go to rehab tomorrow, but she isn't ready now. It is too great a change. We pray and say goodbye and it is hard to leave without her.

She has known such great pain; haunted dreams as a child, the near-constant presence of evil ever since. She has felt the touch of awful naked men, battled depression and addiction, and attempted suicide. Her arms remember razor blades, fifty scars that speak of self-inflicted wounds. Six hours after I meet her, she is feeling trapped, two groups of "friends" offering opposite ideas. Everyone is asleep. The sun is rising. She drinks long from a bottle of liquor, takes a razor blade from the table and locks herself in the bathroom. She cuts herself, using the blade to write "FUCK UP" large across her left forearm.

The nurse at the treatment center finds the wound several hours later. The center has no detox, names her too great a risk, and does not accept her. For the next five days, she is ours to love. We become her hospital and the possibility of healing fills our living room with life. It is unspoken and there are only a few of us, but we will be her church, the body of Christ coming alive to meet her needs, to write love on her arms.

She is full of contrast, more alive and closer to death than anyone I've known, like a Johnny Cash song or some theatre star. She owns attitude and humor beyond her 19 years, and when she tells me her story, she is humble and quiet and kind, shaped by the pain of a hundred lifetimes. I sit privileged but breaking as she shares. Her life has been so dark yet there is some soft hope in her words, and on consecutive evenings, I watch the prettiest girls in the room tell her that she's beautiful. I think it's God reminding her.

I've never walked this road, but I decide that if we're going to run a five-day rehab, it is going to be the coolest in the country. It is going to be rock and roll. We start with the basics; lots of fun, too much Starbucks and way too many cigarettes more Thursday night she is in the balcony for Band Marino, Orlando's finest. They are indie-folk-fabulous, a movement disguised as a circus. She loves them and she smiles when I point out the A&R man from Atlantic Europe, in town from London just to catch this show. She is in good seats when the Magic beat the Sonics the next night, screaming like a lifelong fan with every Dwight Howard dunk. On the way home, we stop for more coffee and books, Blue Like Jazz and (Anne Lamott's) Travelling Mercies. On Saturday, the Taste of Chaos tour is in town and I'm not even sure we can get in, but doors do open and minutes after parking, we are on stage for Thrice, one of her favorite bands. She stands ten feet from the drummer, smiling constantly. It is a bright moment there in the music, as light and rain collide above the stage. It feels like healing. It is certainly hope.

Sunday night is church and many gather after the service to pray for Renee, this her last night before entering rehab. Some are strangers but all are friends tonight. The prayers move from broken to bold, all encouraging. We're talking to God but I think as much, we're talking to her, telling her she's loved, saying she does not go alone. One among us knows her best. Ryan sits in the corner strumming an acoustic guitar, singing songs she's inspired. After church our house fills with friends, there for a few more moments before goodbye. Everyone has some gift for her, some note or hug or piece of encouragement.

She pulls me aside and tells me she would like to give me something. I smile surprised, wondering what it could be. We walk through the crowded living room, to the garage and her stuff. She hands me her last razor blade, tells me it is the one she used to cut her arm and her last lines of cocaine five nights before. She's had it with her ever since, shares that tonight will be the hardest night and she shouldn't have it. I hold it carefully, thank her and know instantly that this moment, this gift, will stay with me. It hits me to wonder if this great feeling is what Christ knows when we surrender our broken hearts, when we trade death for life. As we arrive at the treatment center, she finishes: "The stars are always there but we miss them in the dirt and clouds. We miss them in the storms. Tell them to remember hope. We have hope."

I have watched life come back to her, and it has been a privilege. When our time with her began, someone suggested shifts but that is the language of business. Love is something better. I have been challenged and changed, reminded that love is that simple answer to so many of our hardest questions. Don Miller says we're called to hold our hands against the wounds of a broken world, to stop the bleeding. I agree so greatly. We often ask God to show up. We pray prayers of rescue. Perhaps God would ask us to be that rescue, to be His body, to move for things that matter. He is not invisible when we come alive. I might be simple but more and more, I believe God works in love, speaks in love, is revealed in our love. I have seen that this week and honestly, it has been simple: Take a broken girl, treat her like a famous princess, give her the best seats in the house. Buy her coffee and cigarettes for the coming down, books and bathroom things for the days ahead. Tell her something true when all she's known are lies. Tell her God loves her. Tell her about forgiveness, the possibility of freedom, tell her she was made to dance in white dresses. All these things are true.

We are only asked to love, to offer hope to the many hopeless. We don't get to choose all the endings, but we are asked to play the rescuers. We won't solve all mysteries and our hearts will certainly break in such a vulnerable life, but it is the best way. We were made to be lovers bold in broken places, pouring ourselves out again and again until we're called home. I have learned so much in one week with one brave girl. She is alive now, in the patience and safety of rehab, covered in marks of madness but choosing to believe that God makes things new, that He meant hope and healing in the stars. She would ask you to remember. "

I'm Going For It...

I've decided to go after J for child support...again. I tried last year, but I didn't have his address and he avoided them at work, so he was never able to be served. Now I have his home address and work address, so I'm going to put the forms in the mail tomorrow.

The one thing that is slightly scary about this is that if paternity is established the restraining order with L against him will be lifted. I don't think he knows that, though, since he didn't show up to court when the restraining order was established. Even if he does try to fight for some form of custody, I doubt he'll get it because of the pending case against him.

I do know that one day I want him to be a part of Lo's life. He really does have a good heart...when he's not messed up on drugs. Unfortunately, when I knew him, it was rare for him to not be on something. I do think he's cleaned up his act though. I'd like to think that this is a wake-up call for him; he could be doing some serious time for what he did to me.

I'm just not scared anymore. He doesn't rule my life. Yes, I do still think about him, a lot, but instead of thinking about him in anger, I'm sad that he wasn't able to step up and be the dad I know he can be. I hope that any time served will help him be able to get his life together. I mean, I requested that he get counseling if he's convicted, and he'd have the opportunity to get his GED while in prison (isn't it nice that they get all these "perks"?). I dunno, we shall see.

I might not even get anything for a while. It takes 6-9 months for child support to be put into effect, and we're supposed to go to trial next month (unless there's another continuance). I guess I'll just be happy to know that when he gets out he'll have this money owed to me. He needs to accept responsibility for his actions, and I need to stop thinking that it's ok for him to not support his child. I just hope that him getting served doesn't put him over the edge. Oh yeah, he's also going to get served with paperwork to change L's name - dropping his last name and giving her mine. That should be interesting.

I need to take a trip...

Seriously. The firefighter has definitely got me all hot and bothered. He might come down next weekend, which will be nice. Then my friend and I will go visit him (and her bf) at the end of the month... and I'm sure that will be a really nice trip... if you get what I mean. :)

I don't know what it is about this guy, but I feel like I've known him forever. It's cool. I'm super excited to see him. I just know that the distance thing is going to really suck. I mean, if things work out, I don't think I'd be able to handle living in the country. Ugh, there I go again, putting the basket before the horse. (heh - cliche city lately). I just really like the way he makes me feel, and the sound of his voice... omg - that southern drawl... I have a weakness for that...

Ok - Bachelorette party tomorrow, I'm so excited. It's going to be legen...wait for it...dary.

Hope everyone has a safe and Happy Halloween!!!!

My name is Roo, I am a robot on the internet...

Oh come on, you give me that line and then expect me not to use it?

I'll admit it, I can be a bit cold sometimes. Ok, I won't lie, it's like the arctic with me at times. It's just how I deal with things. With breakups, I'm not going to sit at home and cry about it. How does that change anything? It doesn't. I'm not going to stop living my life because of it. Life is far too short for that. So yeah, perhaps some people could view my talking to the firefighter as moving too quickly, but I don't. I see it as me not missing out on an opprotunity. If you want to be offended by that then so be it.

I am happy now. I haven't even met this guy, but we click. It's nice. I'm not going out, picking china patterns and curtains, but I am quite happy. I mean, I don't think things ever would've really worked out between M and myself. My heart still belonged to someone else. Still does, probably always will. It's tough, but I'm trying to get over it.

To quote Taylor Swift:

But I've miss screamin' and fightin'
And kissin' in the rain
And it's two a.m. and I'm cursin' your name
You're so in love that you act insane
And that's the way I loved you
Breakin' down and comin' undone
It's a roller-coaster kinda rush
And I never knew I could feel that much
And that's the way I loved you

New Guy

So... I started talking to a new guy, R. He is my co-worker's, bf's, coworker. A firefighter/EMT from Okeechobee, which is about 2 hours north of me. So we chatted a bit last Friday (on my friend's phone), became FB friends, messaged there, and then exchanged numbers and have been texting. He looks pretty cute from his pictures, and he thinks I'm pretty. The four of us are gonna try to plan a trip so that I can meet him, but it's kinda nice to get to know someone first, and since he lives so far away I know I'm not gonna jump in the sack with him - although one of my coworkers said that if I could makeout with someone online that I probably would've done that already. What can I say, I love kissing.

Anyway, he has a son that's Lo's age from a prior marriage. Apparently she cheated on him and they got divorced. He's my age and is going to school to be a paramedic. Seems like he has his life together. He is religious though, and I'm really, really not, but I can look past it if he can.

We were texting this morning and he told me he'd like to go out with me. I'm all giddy. :) Of course, with my luck, I'll find that he's totally the one, then we'll have the distance thing to deal with. LOL Talk about counting your eggs before they hatch. Like I said, I'm gonna take things slow, again, and we'll see what happens. :)

OMG - Why do people have to SUCK so much?!?

So things didn't work out between me and M. There were some things that truly irked the hell out of me, like how everytime I would say anything he'd reply with, "You tell me how it is." OMG, so frustrating! Oh, and it was so sweet of him to drive me to the urgent care center when I was sick, but to take pictures while I was in triage - not a good idea! I mean, did you see how quickly my pulse jumped? There were just a lot of things. I wasn't feeling it. It felt like I was hanging out with a friend rather than a boyfriend, and his constant talk about wanting to get bigger (more muscular, not fatter) turned my stomach. I just don't like big, muscular guys. I'm not attracted to that. It's my opinion and I feel I am entitled to it.

I wanted to be mature about things. I wanted to sit down, face to face, and let him know that I just wasn't feeling anything more than friendship towards him, and that I would love to continue to be friends because he really does have a good heart. That didn't work out either. We were bickering back and forth on Facebook (the Devil!). I wasn't being my normal charming self, I'll admit it. I was kinda cold, but at least then it wouldn't seem like it came from left field when I dumped him. So we were going back and forth; he asked if there was something wrong, I told him I wasn't going to lie. He asked if it was about him, I told him I was not having that discussion online. He called when I was in the Day Care picking up my kid, so I wasn't able to answer the phone. Then he left a snarky message, something along the lines of; Call me and tell me what the fuck is up. That pissed me off, so I replied with, when I'm ready to talk I'll fucking call you. Then he said I was playing games, that the truth finally came out. What truth might that be, I asked. He's like, it's not that serious, if you wanna end things just say goodbye - so I said goodbye and he unfriended me. Real mature, right?

So being the kind hearted person that I really am, I felt bad for the way things ended. I was able to send him a message last night telling him that he really is a great guy, and I just wasn't feeling it, the whole thing. Then he comes back, insinuating that I left him for someone else (in my mind, I think he was referring to C, since he loved to bring his name up). I wrote back that I didn't leave him for anyone else, blah blah blah, if he ever needed a friend, I was here. He said it was too hard right now, but maybe in the future. All in all, a nice conversation.

Now, not only am I kind hearted, but I'm also very curious by nature. I looked at his profile, just to see if he was talking shit about me, and he was. Around the same time I sent him that message, he changed his status to: "here is some words of advise. If you would like to stay my friend, and have me talk to you. Don't you fucking ever direct the word love towards me." First, it irked me that I wasn't able to comment and correct his grammar, but whatever. It pissed me off. Talk about being a two-faced bitch. So I decided to be snarky and changed my status (we're not friends, but we have a lot of mutual friends who are aware of the situation, and I felt I had to defend myself, lest I look like a complete bitch) - my status was "Newsflash: I never claimed to love you, not even close. So how 'bout you put your big boy pants on and deal. It didn't work out, get over it." Probably not the most mature way of handling it, but I felt a little bit better putting it out there. Plus, I have my girls on my side confirming that I never said love, just like, and we all know that we admit that kinda stuff to our girlfriends before we'd say it to our significant others.

So anyway, I thought that I'd be nice and continue to be friends with him at some point in the future, but it's so not worth it. There are plenty of other guys out there for me, and I am going to have my fun with them. I mean, I never really said, "hey, let's be bf/gf", he just kinda decided that out of no where, after hanging out twice and talking on the phone a few times.

M - if you're reading this - not everyone who hangs out with you wants to be your girlfriend. You can't force these things, and that's exactly what you were doing. You were moving way too fast for me, and that coming from someone who can fall in love at the drop of a hat means a lot. I hope with your next girl you take things slow, and don't try to piss her off with the ninja shit when she's so sick that she has to be in the urgent care center. Oh, and don't be a dick when she's trying to be nice and mature about a breakup. Trust me, I can be the sweetest person in the world; I'd give you my last penny if you truly needed it, the shirt of my back - but once you cross me and piss me off, I guaran-fucking-tee that you will never have experienced pure bitchiness and ice cold cruelty from anyone like you'd get from me. You want to stay on my good side.

Finger's Crossed!

I am really unhappy with my job. It's boring desk work and I don't feel that I am being paid what I'm worth. I have 3 years experience, my 2-20, CRIS and AAI designations, I should be making a hell of a lot more. Knowing how unhappy I am, my mom casually mentioned to one of our old agents that I'm miserable, he in turn informed her that their company is looking for an account manager and that I'd be perfect.

I had lunch with the owner of that agency about a month ago. I told him how much money I'd like and he didn't freak out and say it was impossible - I figured that was a good sign. I was told that they were in the process of getting a new producer/book of business, and that would determine when I would be able to start, and how much they could give me. He said I'd hear from him within 2 weeks.

Well, 3 weeks later I still hadn't heard from him. I was slightly upset, because from our meeting I was excited about the idea of working for that company. It's a lot smaller than the one I'm currently working for (200 people vs. 10 people), but I'd be able to write my own business and it'd be easier to move up to an agent's position. I sent him an email following up on our meeting, and seeing if he had gotten word from the potential new producer. Luckily he replied shortly after, stating that he was still interested in me, but hasn't gotten a commitment from the new agent. I was promised that he'd contact me this week to let me know what's going on.

I'm seriously so excited about the idea of going to work for this company. I've had it with the agency I work for. Granted, I've been here three years so I have made many friendships and I do have a loyalty to them, but loyalty don't pay the bills. I want to be able to start saving up and move out on my own. Finger's crossed that I get the email and the new job. Yes, I'm fairly certain I'll cry while giving my two weeks notice, but I need to do what's best for my daughter and myself, and this is for the best.

Twitterpated...

So this is what happy feels like. I like it. :)

So it's been almost 3 weeks since M and I started seeing each other, and it's been the best 3 weeks in a long time. It's so great having someone to talk to and turn to. I mean, back in middle school we were friends, but I never would have imagined that we'd end up dating. I suppose I should thank the creators of Facebook for allowing us to become reaquainted. :)

The thing with M is that he's not like most guys that I dated. Yeah, C was really nice, but he wasn't sweet or romantic or anything like that. I was looking on FB today at lunch and M's status was, "Where did my baby go? I'm calling but I can't get through. :( I miss my baby..." That just makes me feel all giddy when I get to read stuff like that. I don't want this feeling to end. It's amazing. :)

It's just too much...

I fell in love with Jarod. We lived together, we had a kid together, I thought that we'd end up having a great life together. I was obviously wrong. He turned out to be a complete jackass. This man, the one in the picture, he's not the man I fell in love with. This man is a stranger to me. Do you have any idea how it feels to look at the father of your child and not know who they are? It's just too much to handle. I just want to break down in tears, but I know that won't do me any good. The new guy, M, told me that I can't keep things bottled up, that I need to talk it out or cry it out, whatever. He said that especially since I am (well, was) a psych major that I should know the importance of that. It's just so hard. October 3 will be one year since everything went down, and this guy is still walking free, right down the street. I'm trying to get over it and deal, but it's just not fair! He's not being the father that he promised me he'd be! My baby doesn't even know her own father because of what he did. That's not fair to her. She needs both of her parents. I know that that's not possible, because with her father in her life she'd probably end up losing me.

I showed my mother his picture, and she said that he looks clean, both physically and drug-wise. I mean, compare it to the picture in my last post. Aside from the fact that he looks like he's gained some weight, he does seem like he's off drugs. As my mom said, you can finally see the whites of his eyes. A part of me wants to sit down with him and ask him why he had to be so violent with me. Why couldn't he just stay clean and be a good father? Why did he have to put me through so much?!?

The trial's coming up shortly, unless he's granted another continuance. Hopefully I'll get some closure from that. Until then, God I just don't know. I didn't get over my feelings, I don't think anyone truly could, I just pushed them to the side. Seeing his picture just brought them all back. I think I need to schedule another appointment with my Dr, just to talk things through before the trial. Until then, I'm just gonna try not to cry. I'll see if M wants to hang out tomorrow after my pampering session so that I can take my mind off of things. Turns out he's a great listener too. Hopefully my luck is changing with this one. It's still early, but based on how he was when we knew each other before, and how he's been acting, I think I found a good guy, and I wasn't even looking...

The Day My World Stood Still...

The Man that Started it All...

In “celebration” of the upcoming one year anniversary of all hell breaking loose, I thought I'd share my story. I know that I've given little snippets here and there, but never the whole thing. Since this blog is devoted to me, I thought that I could do this without anyone complaining. This is the report that I gave the police, I just edited the names and locations.

Read or skip, the choice is yours...

On Friday, October 3, 2008, I picked J up so that he could spend some time with our daughter, L. We immediately started arguing because he reaked of cigarettes and I told him that I didn’t want that smell in my car or around L. On the way to the day care he told me he had a gun in his backpack. I got upset and told him that I didn’t want that in my car. At the daycare we were still arguing because he wanted to pick L up and take her for the weekend. I told him no because #1 – his license is suspended and I didn’t want to risk him getting arrested and L going into protective services, and #2 – I didn’t trust that his wife wouldn’t be there. We had made an agreement when we first had L that the ex would never be near her. She has harrassed me and my family numerous times in the past, showed up at my house to cause trouble, and has even attempted to get a key to my hotel room when L and I went to visit J in Naples. I do not feel safe with her around my daughter. He told me that if he wanted to that he could take L and that I wouldn’t be able to find her, but that he was trying to go about things the right way. This was not the first time that he said he could take her and disappear.

He asked again if he could take her and I said no – he then snatched the glasses off of my face, scratching my nose in the process, and started choking me. I hit my car horn with my leg to try to get someone’s attention. He then started punching me. I had my arm up to block my face and he punched me over half a dozen times in the arm, my side, and my leg. My arm hurt so badly that I could barely move it. I was crying and told him I just wanted to get L. He asked if I would call the police when I got inside, and pulled out his phone and called one of his friends. He told them my address and said something along the lines of ‘I’ll call you’. He told me that he has a lot of friends that owe him favors and that they not only know my address, but the addresses of two of my aunts, and that if they didn’t hear back from him that they would hurt my family.

We then both went into the daycare to pick up L. At that time my mother called to make sure everything was alright. I found out later that someone from the day care had called her about the fight in the car. I told her that I was fine. In the daycare J had to pick L up because my arm was hurting so badly that I couldn’t even lift her. When we got back to the car I was hesitent to get in, but he told me he wasn’t going to hurt me again. When I got in the car he asked if he could have L the weekend of the 18th. I was afraid of being hit again so I said fine. He had also pulled out his box of cigarettes and showed me some blue pills that he had, saying that that was enough to kill him. When he first pulled them out I thought he was going to make me take them, but he put them away, so I’m not sure why he showed them to me. He said that he needed some assurance that he would have her, and that $800 would work. He told me the amount of money that I had in my bank account that morning (I had just gotten paid and he somehow gotten access to my banking information), and I reminded him that I just spent $350 on daycare, so he asked for $500. I told him that I could only take out $400 and he explained that I could take out $400 then call the bank and have them remove the block and take out the rest of the money; he had done his homework.

When we were pulling out of the daycare a BSO deputy pulled in and asked us to park the car. When we were pulling back into the daycare J freaked out about the gun being hot and tossed a little bag in my backseat which he said contained Xanax. He told me not to worry, that he wouldn’t let me take the blame for it, but also reminded me that if his buddies didn’t hear back from him that it would be trouble for my family. When we spoke with the deputy he said that the daycare called and asked if everything was ok. I was too afraid for my family’s life to say anything, so I said we were fine, that we were just arguing about custody. He deputy then said fine, wrote down our names, and that was it.

When we left I tried to reason with J, telling him that we could have a nice day, that he didn’t have to do this, but he didn’t care. I then asked if I could at least get gas before he robbed me since I was on empty, but again he said no. Whenever I would try to reason with him or get him to stop doing this he would grab for his backpack. I told him I couldn’t believe that he would kill me in front of our daughter, but he said he wouldn’t kill me, he’d just make sure it’d hurt. I drove to the bank and again tried to reason with him, explaining that if he took the money that I wouldn’t be able to buy diapers or food for L – again he didn’t care. When I pulled into the drive up atm he told me to try for $500, and unfortunately it worked. He snatched he money out of my hand and said to drop him back off at the parking lot. When I dropped him off I went to leave the parking lot, heading in his direction. He got upset and told me to go the other way. I found out from the officers that the ex was in his car waiting for him, causing me to believe that this was planned in advance by both of them.

The entire time he was in the car, threatening me with the gun, L was in the backseat crying. When he got out of the car she stopped, and when he opened the door to say bye to her she started screaming again. As soon as he left for good she was fine. Although she is young I do feel that she knew something was wrong and that he was causing it; why else would she calm down as soon as he left?

I then went to the restaurant where my family was having dinner. When I went in I told them what had happened and that he threatened not only me, but them as well. My mom called the 911 and Davie police showed up. During that time J was calling my phone. I had him on speaker when the officer arrived, but he acted as if nothing had happened. He spoke with the officer and told him on three different occasions that he would show up and speak with them, but he never did. The BSO deputy that had gone to the daycare showed up and told me that he didn’t believe that I was hurt because he was trained to look for things and didn’t see anything and I didn’t seem upset, even though my arm was bruised and swollen (it had already started to bruise and swell at the daycare), and I also had a scratch on my neck from when he choked me. When I told him that I was scared for my family’s life he insinuated that J was probably bluffing, which I didn’t believe.
J had called non-stop from the time I left the restaurant to about 11 the next morning, even though the Davie officers had told him not to call me anymore. At that time I changed my cell phone number and we unplugged our house phone so that he would not harrass us anymore. I did not answer the phone, but he left messages. At first he was saying that he didn’t know what was going on and why was I doing this. Then he said he would give back the money - during a conversation with my mom he said that I had the money, and then claimed that I gave it to him. Then he said that he would sign over all rights to L if I dropped the charges, and finally he just wanted the number of the officer so that he could speak with them. In the middle of the messages of him panicing about the possibility of going to jail, he also left a message, unknowingly, of him and his buddies hanging out and joking around, which showed me that he didn’t even care about any of it. At about 3 the next morning he started calling me again, even after I had changed my phone number. He was leaving me messages that it was a 911 emergency, that someone was hurt and it effected L, and someone close to him died. I still ignored the phone calls. The last phone call that he made to me was on Friday, October 10.

My arm the day after. It was difficult to get a decent picture of the bruise, but you can somewhat see the swelling. The bruising went around my arm, and since I don't bruise easily, it was actually worse than it looked.

This is the scratch he left me when he was choking me. I didn't even know that I had it until some drunk girl at the restaurant pointed it out to me.


I know the injuries don't seem too severe - they never really were. He might have been a crazy SOB, but he was smart about it. He only hit me in the face once - busted my lip - because he didn't want to leave a mark. All the other times he'd choke me, or punch me in the ribs. There were many times that I'd end up with bald spots from him dragging me around by my hair. I remember one time when I was trying to leave his house, I was holding L, who was only a few months old, and he grabbed me by my hair and smashed my head into the wooden front door.

Why did I stay with him? Why didn't I just leave? Well, contrary to what some people might think, I never experienced violence at home. As far as I was concerned, my parents never hit each other. I never got into fights at school. The only time I was ever hurt is when my BFF gave me two black eyes at one time - I took her barbie and she hit me, so I called her "buffalo butt" and she hit me again. Contrary to what I even believed, I didn't stay with him so that L could have a father. I stayed with him because I was scared.

J had a lot of issues. At first he was amazing. We were happily living together; I think we only got in one argument before I got pregnant. It was after I got knocked up that he changed. One day I tried to get him up for work, and I found that he had taken a lot of Xanax, and that he had more in his hand - he wanted to kill himself. I climbed on top of him to try to get the pills away from him; he grabbed me by my throat, threw me to the ground and started choking me, screaming that he was going to kill me. I fooled myself into believing that it was the drugs talking, that it was a one time thing. A few days later we were arguing because he didn't come home the night before. He spit in my face and I instinctively slapped him. He responded by choking me, again, this time with my back to the wall. After that I moved out.

He claimed to have gotten help, got a new job, wanted to be better person. I was hesitant, but I gave him a chance, since I had seen that he was doing better. He eventually had no place to live, so my mom let him stay with us. He would stay up all night using my computer to look at porn. He was even so lazy that he used my candles as his own personal bathroom, and then hide them under the bed so I wouldn't know. He was disgusting, not the man that I had fallen in love with at all. We got in a fight and he ended up moving back in with his ex. I was officially done with him.

Things kind of became a blur from that point until I ended up giving birth. Of course, he was there when I had L, and he was absolutely amazing. I could not have asked for a better person to be there with me, at that time. That night he said that since he had to work the next day, that I should stay up with the baby and then the next night he'd stay up so I could sleep. I was ok with that. The next night we got into an argument because my parent's didn't want him spending the night at our house - a reasonable thing - but because of that he decided that he wasn't going to stay up with L, so I had another sleepless night. Our arguing got so bad that I was in tears and the nurses came in and took L to the nursery. The next few weeks I was severely depressed. I didn't know if it was PPD, the situation with J, or both.

Every time I would try to escape him, he'd threaten me. He threatened to destroy our property or kill himself. He said that he'd leave a note for his boys saying that I was the reason he was dead. It took a serious toll on me. I didn't know what to do. I was too ashamed and embarrassed to go to my family; I felt completely lost.

Wonderful Weekend in Tally

This past weekend I traveled up to Tallahassee to watch the UM/FSU game. I left home on Friday to go to my sister's house in Melbourne, and then Saturday morning we all drove up to Tally. After we got there and checked into the hotel we went for a tour of FSU's campus, since my sister, her husband, and their friend that was with us have all graduated from there. have to admit, it truly is a beautiful campus. All the buildings are brick and a lot of them are being redone. The three alumni were complaining that the new FSU students were spoiled because there is now a Chili's on campus. We got some good pictures, climbed in a few fountains, and just had a great time. Later that night we went to one of their friend's homes and played Rock Band until 1 or 2 in the morning. We also found out that in college town Papa Johns delivers until 4 (though we ordered around 12 - preggo was craving pizza).

The next day we all went to Tom Brown Park, which, again, is absolutely beautiful. We had a BBQ there, and after we all ate the boys went to play frisbee golf and the three girls headed off in the woods to go on a hike. I was thinking that it would be just a simple little thing - I was wrong. My sister chose the "more difficult" trail for us to go on, so there were times when the trail was so steep that we literally had to crawl our way up. We went for 3 hours (just shy of 4 miles) and then found out why it was called Cadillac Trail. In the middle of this forest, where the trails themselves are rather close, were rusted old car parts. Now, I know that it's "Cadillac" trail, but my sister and I swear that one of the old cars was a Ford Fairlane. It was just unbelievable. Oh, yeah, we also got a little scare when a HUGE snake crossed our path - ah, nature. We went out to dinner that night and then the boys went out to play pool while my sister and I slept.

Monday - Game Day!!! The four of us went out to breakfast, and my sister kept singing; "one of these things is not like the other" - the odd one being me dressed in all my Canes gear while they were in the Garnet & Gold. We had some time to kill before we were allowed in the parking garage to tailgate, so we walked around campus again and got some munchies at Chili's. Then there was the usual tailgating fun, and finally the big game!

Oh...my...God! That was the best football game I have ever seen! Talk about being on the edge of your seat! They must have exchanged the lead 5 or 6 times, they were tied, then the Canes scored and at the last second the Noles tried to get a touchdown but the pass was ruled incomplete, but of course the Noles had to review that, so here we were, the entire stadium still packed and eerily quiet, while we waited to hear the news... "The call on the field stands..." The Hurricanes Won!!! WooHoo!!! It was so amazing, I almost cried! I won my bets!

We came home on Tuesday after grabbing a bit to eat at a bagel joint. We got to my sister's house around 3:30, so I had enough time to get to class, assuming there wouldn't be traffic. I hit a little bit of a slow down, but nothing major. Then, just as I get to my exit, my car started to overheat. So I went home instead of going to class and spent some time with my kid (I missed her so much!). Then I had to sneak out again to make it to school. Again, my car started overheating, and I couldn't find a spot. I ended up parking across the campus, going in through an exit only spot so that my car wouldn't break down on me. (It was completely out of water). At that point I was exhausted, my muscles were still sore from the hike, I was hungry, stressed about my car, and missing my baby. I was on the verge of tears, but I sucked it up and did the school thing.

It was really a great little vacation, it just sucks to be back.

Gotta Love Technology...

I checked the Department of Correction's webpage this morning, as I do every morning, to check on the status of the psycho ex. Honestly, I'm waiting for them to update his picture so I can see his lovely mugshot - I get a feeling of gratification from seeing it. The picture wasn't posted yet, but they did provide me with some invaluable new information; his permenant - VERIFIED - address. This is good information for me to have, as I have been trying to get paperwork in order to have my daughter's name changed; she currently has his last name, and it makes me sick. Now I know where to send it. The bad news - that jackass moved in right down the street from where I work. 2.18 miles away. He's right across the street from one of my favorite lunchtime restaurants. He knows where I work, so it's not like he was completely clueless. I'm not entirely sure how I feel about this. I'm not really scared, because I know he's not going to do anything (well, I sincerely hope he won't). I just don't want to have to deal with running into him or his wife (she's the one I worry about - she's insane). I must resist the urge to do anything stupid, because if I show up there, I'll be the one going to jail. I suppose I'll just bide my time, and let the justice system do what they do best - whatever that might be.

I watched "Inglourious Basterds" today. That was a really great movie!

Thursday Night...

Cognitive Psychology. I love this class. The teacher is awesome. In what other class could you talk about Aristotle and Descartes and be riveted? It's a 3 hour class and I found myself bummed out when 10:00 rolled around. I am seriously so glad that I'm taking this class.

The teacher already told us that the tests were hard - he doesn't test on definitions or anything, but on the concepts, so there will be a lot of analogies and questions about finding what doesn't fit. He said as long as we show up, take the notes, and read the book we should be fine.

We'll also have to write "Thought Papers" in class. There's going to be 7 of them, and he's not going to tell us which days we'll be doing them. He said it's not to prove that we've been paying attention in class or anything, he just wants to know that we are able to think. Last night was our first though paper, and our question was - "How Smart Are We?". If we do all of the papers than we will end up with 8 extra points, which is great because if you average all B's on the tests then you'd end up with an A in the class. He said that it's positive reinforcement to get us to show up for class, then went on a tangent about he can't stand that some teachers, including other psychology teachers, take points away if you're absent. He's like - "These psychology teachers need to learn about what they're teaching - do they not remember Skinner? That's punishment and it doesn't work!" He's awesome.

We've also been told that in that classroom we are all Gator fans (boooo!). He's like, "What is it with you people coming in dressed in the Hurricanes clothes - YOU GO TO FAU!! Where's your Fighting Owls spirit???" He was making jokes about the different schools - the one I recently graduated from was BCC (Broward Community College) - but it was called "Beer Can College"; now it's just Broward College so the nickname's been changed to Booze College or something like that. FAU - Find Another University; then he's like, "What does UF stand for? National Champions!". Too funny.

As I'm sitting there, completely immersed in the lesson, I realized that this guy is a mixture of my ex, Chuck, and Jeff Dunham (ventriloquist - if you've never seen his act I suggest you go on YouTube or something and see bits of it - FUNNY! "Silence! I Kill You!" LOL), and he looks just like Greg Kinnear. I'm so gonna love my Thursday nights!

Three Years - No Change

I've been at my job for three years now. When I first started, I was introduced to all of the employees, typical stuff. There was one guy, the one that I refer to as Work Hottie, that seriously took my breath away. He was, by far, the most attractive guy I had ever seen.

I, of course, was pregnant at the time, so people just saw me growing bigger by the day. I put my infatuation with WH out of my head. Until last September. I was out with my cousin, having a few drinks, and I decided to email WH, just for fun. Well, this kind of became a weekly thing between the two of us, and eventually it turned into texting. The messages have always been on the adult side, and we've constantly talked about hooking up, we've just never managed to actually meet up. This has since escalated into me receiving a picture, and now I know what lies beneath, and it is quite impressive.

One of the last times we texted I casually asked if he thought that we'd ever actually hook up, and he said he was sure we would. I need it to happen, like, now. It's never awkward at work, which is awesome, but just hearing his voice, I think of the picture, and what I'd do to him if I had the chance... it's frustrating.

I just went through this and had to go over to my cousin's fiance and tell her about it. She said that when she heard him she thought of me. Now, she's seen the picture, she knows what I could potentially have my hands on, and a part of me thinks she's jealous that it'd be me and not her (she told me that when she first saw him he literally took her berath away as well). I told her that for my sanity that WH and I need to hook up, maybe that could be his bday present to me (although I don't want to have to wait another 4 months).

I just wish I didn't feel this way! I want this crush to go away, but I don't know how to go about it short of actually screwing his brains out. It just drives me crazy.

Tuesday Night...

Sociological Analysis: Survey of Methods

I was scared of this class. I read the syllabus and it was talking about group projects and statistics... I was not looking forward to it. Turns out, I don't have too much to worry about. The teacher is really cool, and there are many people in the class that have taken her before for different subjects. If they decided to take her again then she can't be that bad.

We're supposed to choose our groups next week, but I talked to the girl sitting next to me, since I overheard her talking to another girl about joining her group, and I'm in with them. She already knows what she wants to do the research on and I love her idea - Does religion deter crime? She's a criminology minor, (I'm a double major - criminology & sociology) so we should get along.

Now - on to the fun UPS stuff. My dad reviewed the tapes and UPS never even made an appearance close to our house. Well, at least I know no one stole my books, but it pisses me off because I paid an extra $20 to have those books overnighted, and now I have nothing. I have to go back to the place I bought them and hope that they have a good policy if the books get lost in the mail. If they aren't able to work with me then I'm out $200+ and I have to figure out a way to get my books. It's really quite frustrating.

Time to down my coffee and get to work. I have no class tonight so I get to catch up on my reading. I hope I didn't bite off more than I can chew...

Monday Night...

Criminology. That's my Monday night class. We got out early tonight in case any of us had to deal with and administrative things.

My teacher is new, which I love because she's not jaded! She's an FSU alumni, which I can look past since, #1 - I plan on getting my Masters in Criminology at FSU, and #2 - she blasted the Gators, not the Canes (ya'll only have Tebow for another year, enjoy it while it lasts...).

We will have three exams, all multiple choice, and each one worth 25% of our final grade. The last 25% comes from a 4-7 page theory paper that we have to write. We also have the option of extra credit; a 7-9 page paper on a problem in the criminal justice system. We can get up to 5% points for that paper, so, yeah, I'm totally writing it.

I'm so glad that I like my classes so far. Two down, two to go. I think tomorrow is Sociological Theories and then Thursday is Cognition.

It's been a long day so I'm going to bed.

Night all!

Amazing Weekend!

I wasn't really able to get on a computer this weekend, so I apologize for leaving some of you in the dark with that last post. Yes, we are going to have a new baby in the family, but no it is not mine. My older sister informed us on Saturday that she is expecting a baby! It was so cute the way she let us know. My mom's birthday was Thursday, so my sister and BIL were in town to celebrate (and do the family pics). They gave my mom her gift, which was a picture frame that says "What happens at Grandma's stays at Grandma's". It held three pictures; one was of my neice, the other of my daughter, and the third a positive pregnancy test. We were all so shocked by the news! I don't know if anyone remembers that my sister was supposed to watch my kid for a weekend a fwe weeks ago, but backed out because she was really sick? Well the family was joking that she must be pregnant... turns out we were right (just no one knew it at the time).

So then we went and took our family pictures. That was quite fun. We did the entire family, then broke it down into groups. We were trying to take a picture of the three sisters and two kids, but my neice was upset that her uncle wasn't holding her hand. So, he laid on the floor and held her hand (it was a head shot so he wouldn't be in the pic), and for some reason my daughter jumped on him and started "motorboating" his nether regions. OMG!!! We were all dying laughing! We got some really great shots, and some not so great (in one of them I look like I have a mullet). Then towards the end the photographer didn't set the camera on the counter very well and it hit the ground. Oy! It messed up the filter or something, but we were still able to finish the shoot. My sister and her husband got a belly shot and all us moms got annoyed because me sis made a comment about how she's already gained weight... as she shows off her 6-pack abs.

After the pictures we had some family over for dinner. I made jambalaya and my cousin helped. Now, I don't know where she's been the past few years or what people have been telling her, but she obviously never got the memo that when I'm in the kitchen everyone else needs to be out. I'm very possessive when it comes to my cooking. But, I was nice, and the meal was great.

Oh, yeah, I also started school on Saturday. It was great. I'm so happy to be back in the saddle, so to speak, with classes. I missed it so much.

There's gonna be a baby...

Open Letter to All

This was originally going to be a comment on someone else's post, but it got kinda long and drawn out, so I decided to just put it here for all to see.

See, if everyone would just be honest (well, as honest as one can get online) then I doubt we'd have these issues. Me, I'll post under my online name. What's the worst that will happen? Someone might get offended. Well, I just call it like I see it. If someone is posting under someone elses Topix name then it's wrong. It's even more wrong to retaliate by posting under someone else's real name.

I've been on Topix for a while now, and based on what I've read I'm one of the youngest "regs" on the site. Now, there are many people that say that the youngins are immature, well from what I've seen the immaturity on Topix goes across all ages. It's sad. I mean, I absolutely hate it when people talk smack about me behind my back but are nice to my face. If you don't like me, tell me. If you think I'm annoying, let me know. I might get pissed but I have a tendancy to get over things real quickly. It's so simple! That's why I never hide who I am. I don't understand why some people can't just be like, "hey, I don't like you, you don't like me, let's agree to disagree and move on". Yes, the "regs" and "innies" are guilty of this as well, but I have yet to see them use someone's real name on the boards. That is wrong and to deny it and not own up to it truly shows a lack of maturity. To try to out another person in retaliation, that is also wrong. As pissed off as some people might get, no one wins when people start being vindictive. Ya'll know the saying, "An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind". Maybe it is because I'm so young that I wish that people could just kiss and make up (figuratively speaking), but I understand that lines have been crossed and there's no going back now.

Yes, I have had my issues with some of the people on Topix in the past. Know what I did? I got the frick over it! From what I'm reading, ya'll are bitching about things that have happened months ago. How long is everyone going to hold this grudge? How far are you willing to take it? People are already using real names, what's next, using someone else's picture as their avatar? Oh, boohoo, someone took my screen name and started a fight with it - GROW THE FUCK UP! Someone beat the shit out of me and robbed me at gunpoint. People are starving and dying everyday. Who the fuck cares if someone used your screen name? Is THAT really detrimental to your life? NO!!! Using someones REAL name, however, is. Why? Because obviously people don't know how to let go of petty grudges and giving out personal information like that is dangerous.

So, all that being said, if it hadn't been for many of the people on Topix, I probably wouldn't have dealt with my drama as well as I have. The "regs" have been a great support system for me and I appreciate that. I am just tired of this drama. I'm tired of people saying they don't want to hear anymore of it, but then blogging about it, trying to get it all started up again. If ya'll want to bitch and moan then so be it, but I'm throwing in the towel with one exception; I'll get involved (well as much as I can being online) if someone puts one of my friends in danger.

Now, I'm done. Say whatever you want to say. I'll post whatever comments ya'll want to leave. Enjoy...

Mission Accomplished

I had my wonderful flex day yesterday (we get one work day off a month so the company can save money). I had initially planned on spending the day at the beach, but then I thought that there had to be a more productive way to spend my time. So I got up early and took the kid to school, got some Jamba Juice, and went to work on her bedroom.

My daughter has a TV in her room, and it sits on a cabinet that I try to keep her diapers and wipes in (I say try because she loves going in there and emptying it out; looks like a diaper factory exploded). We found out that on top of a cabinet is not a very safe place for a TV to be... we found this out when the TV nearly fell on my niece. There is a dresser on the other side of the room that has an opening specifically for a TV, but we haven't used it because of where the cables are located. Yesterday, I decided to change that.

I should mention that the dresser normally takes the strength of two grown men to move; it's big and bulky. I'm a tiny girl, but myself. I didn't plan this out too well. If anyone would have seen me, they would've just laughed. I was strong enough to shimmy it off of the wall just enough so that I could squeeze in between it and the wall. So here I was, back up against the dresser, hands and feet planted firmly on the wall, pushing, just hoping that the dresser would move... and it did. It worked! I was able to move it across the room and center it on the wall where the TV was. Feeling quite proud of myself I grabbed the TV and put it in the center... it didn't fit. The darn TV was longer than the opening was deep. Oy!

I decided to make it work. I drew an outline of the TV on the back of the dresser, got an exacto knife (the back is cardboard) and proceeded to cut. Didn't work. So I got a chisel and used that (if I knew where my dad's sawsall was, I would've used it). That worked, so I put the TV in again, and it didn't fit; I had made the opening too small. By this point I was quite frustrated, so I grabbed a hammer and knocked the crap out of the back "wall" of the unit. It took the back piece out of the center, but also un-nailed the other backings, so I just had to re-hammer that. Now the TV fits. WooHoo!

I then went through all of the clothes that were in the dresser and two adjoining cabinets. After seperating the ones that still fit the kid and the ones that were too small, I ended up with one drawer full of clothes, and three bags that are going to goodwill. It took me all day, but her room is now clean and organized.

Now to get to mine... that's a job for this weekend.

All About The Drama!

What it be like, Homeslice??? Goodness, that was stupid. Alright, moving on...

Wow. I thought that I was away from the drama when I left high school, but it seems to follow me wherever I go. At work, even though people don't like to admit it, there are so many cliques it isn't even funny. I mean, I come to work to, well you know, work (crazy concept, I know). People get on my case because I am too quiet, that I don't socialize. Well, ya'll keep complaining about how backed up you are meanwhile I'm completely caught up on my renewals. How's that socializing goin for ya? Then there are those that enjoy venting to me. Normally I don't mind this, I mean, I was originally going to school for psychology, so a part of me enjoys being able to listen and help people, but when it's the same thing everyday it tends to be annoying. What's worse is that this one person in particular complains to me about someone talking trash about me. I try to tell her that I really could care less about what people say (I mean, if this other girl is bringing me up in every conversation then she sounds a little obsessed - I dunno, jealous much?) It almost seems like the person complaining wants me to bad mouth the other co-worker so that she can go back and say, "well Roo said this...". Ugh! Such cattiness at work!

Then, there's all the wonderful Topix drama. They're called boundaries people! Respect them!

Oh, and for the record, even though there was a time that I posted (out of pure spite and rage) that I was on "Team 'he who shall not be mentioned'", I have since learned the error of my ways and am back on the A Team, er, "Team Regs".

Oy! Now I'm getting ready to start college again and I'm worried that there will be more cliques to have to deal with. Eh, I guess it won't be too bad since I'm taking night classes. I just hope we don't have to do a lot of group projects. I prefer to work alone. I don't like having to depend on anyone, and when the teachers tell us to pick groups I feel like I'm in elementary school, being picked last for dodgeball (actually, I've always been good at sports so I was never really picked last, but you get the idea).

On a side note, my lunch just got here and they forgot my drink. It'd be one thing if it was just a dollar soda or something, but it was my Amp Energy Drink! Grrr...

Alright, I'm done. Peace out, sea trout!