I fell in love with Jarod. We lived together, we had a kid together, I thought that we'd end up having a great life together. I was obviously wrong. He turned out to be a complete jackass. This man, the one in the picture, he's not the man I fell in love with. This man is a stranger to me. Do you have any idea how it feels to look at the father of your child and not know who they are? It's just too much to handle. I just want to break down in tears, but I know that won't do me any good. The new guy, M, told me that I can't keep things bottled up, that I need to talk it out or cry it out, whatever. He said that especially since I am (well, was) a psych major that I should know the importance of that. It's just so hard. October 3 will be one year since everything went down, and this guy is still walking free, right down the street. I'm trying to get over it and deal, but it's just not fair! He's not being the father that he promised me he'd be! My baby doesn't even know her own father because of what he did. That's not fair to her. She needs both of her parents. I know that that's not possible, because with her father in her life she'd probably end up losing me.
I showed my mother his picture, and she said that he looks clean, both physically and drug-wise. I mean, compare it to the picture in my last post. Aside from the fact that he looks like he's gained some weight, he does seem like he's off drugs. As my mom said, you can finally see the whites of his eyes. A part of me wants to sit down with him and ask him why he had to be so violent with me. Why couldn't he just stay clean and be a good father? Why did he have to put me through so much?!?
The trial's coming up shortly, unless he's granted another continuance. Hopefully I'll get some closure from that. Until then, God I just don't know. I didn't get over my feelings, I don't think anyone truly could, I just pushed them to the side. Seeing his picture just brought them all back. I think I need to schedule another appointment with my Dr, just to talk things through before the trial. Until then, I'm just gonna try not to cry. I'll see if M wants to hang out tomorrow after my pampering session so that I can take my mind off of things. Turns out he's a great listener too. Hopefully my luck is changing with this one. It's still early, but based on how he was when we knew each other before, and how he's been acting, I think I found a good guy, and I wasn't even looking...
Go ahead and cry. Go running, find a punching bag, do something physical to help get the emotions out.
ReplyDeleteOf course you are going to still have some feelings for him - there is someone good in there who helped you create your beautiful daughter.
She is so lucky to have you. It won't be ideal or easy for you, but I've met some amazing people who were raised by strong single moms. You are pretty damn strong...
Yes honey I do know. I look at Vader (when I am unlucky enough to see him) and wonder how in the hell I ever could have loved him. He is also not the person I feel in love with but he gave me my spawn. I don't know if I got lucky that his brand of violence wasn't physical. Mental and emotional do just as much damage if not more sometimes.
ReplyDeleteYou're right, it's not fair that your baby doesn't have both her parents. I felt the same way. Through the struggles, through the behavior issues, through the frantic phone calls from her wanting to come home or thr broken promises from him that he was going to see her. I found out the hard way that it's better some times that both aren't there. Spawn is almost 8 and it's a good thing that he's stopped seeing her becasue she wants nothing to do with him.
From living it honey, she may not have both parents but she has the best parent. Love you. (hugs)
There are lots of single moms out there who have it worse than you do. Lots of mothers who's spouses didn't just abuse them but also their kids. Some mothers and children have been killed by their own husband/father. So you can cry about what went wrong and what happened, but count your blessings too.
ReplyDeleteTrue, He never physically abused my child, but I am not going to allow anyone to diminish my experience because someone else had it worse. If I want to cry about what happened to me then I can. This is about what happened to me, I'm not comparing my situation to anyone elses, but hey, you can feel free to do whatever you want. Next time someone tries to shoot you and you want to complain about it just remember that someone out there has actually been shot, so get over it.
ReplyDeleteCry, Roo. You have every right to mourn what you've lost.
ReplyDeleteAnd yeah, life isn't fair. It sucks, but it's true.
Luckily, you are a wonderful and strong person who has the skills and the strength of will to make your life better than it is and probably even better than the dreams that you've lost.
As for the person pointing out that others have it worse: that's not the issue. But I think whoever it was is right to suggest you count your blessings.
Count them - you have many. But you've also had to deal with things that most people I know have NOT had to deal with. And you'll be dealing with those issues probably forever.
You're doing good. Keep it up!
Now, to channel Angelique a bit... have you ever gone to an Al Anon meeting? It might be good and there might be suggestions on how to deal with L when she gets older and starts asking harder questions about J.
Keep on truckin' honey!!!!