and so begins another semester...

First off - just want to say Happy Happy Birthday to the hottest bartender and friend I know! I'm so happy I had the courage to finally send you that message, even though it was a bit weird... seriously, thank you alcohol and social networking sites! lol You've definitely made life interesting (and no worries...not getting serious. lol) :)

Ok, moving on. Last night was my first class; Biological Bases of Behavior I - aka Behavioral Neuroscience I. It's not a class that people take just for fun; it's a required course. The professor said that this class was the reason that so many people switched out of the psych major. Lucky for me, I'm totally interested in neuroscience. I am so totally stoked to learn about what causes diseases like Alzheimer's and Parkinson's... I mean, I have an idea, but I'll know better by the end of the semester. I'm just hoping that the professor is more organized next week, since she was kinda all over the place last night. I was super confused, and she wasn't even talking about the class!

Today is going to be a killer day for me. I have work from 7:30 - 3:37, then Research Methods in Psychology from 4:20 - 7:00, and Issues in Criminal Law from 7:10 - 10:00. It's not even 8:00 yet and already I'm completely exhausted. Already made my Starbucks run, so I'm currently enjoying my Grande Raspberry Vanilla Latte (it's super good, and I came up with it - feel free to try it at your local Starbucks!), and I have an Extra Strength 5 Hour Energy for later on. Fingers crossed this semester doesn't kill my heart.

Oh - I almost forgot to mention the challenge I made for myself. I'll admit that for the past few weeks I've been drinking more than normal. In my defense, that included Christmas, New Years, and my Birthday... not to mention the last big Hurrah before the semester. So, because of that, I have decided that I am not allowing myself to consume any alcohol during this semester, with one exception... St. Patrick's Day. I'm Irish, so I kinda have to have at least one drink - otherwise they'll take my Irish card away. It won't be a night of partying, probably just grab a whiskey sour after class to commemorate the day.

Guess I should get to work. The busier I am the faster the day goes by, so I better get crackin on these policies.

So Not Jaded...

Yes, once upon a time you could say that I was jaded. I’ve been through a lot and I couldn’t trust anyone. I built walls around my heart and refused to let anyone in because I was terrified of being hurt again. I thought for sure that I would end up spending the rest of my life alone; that no one would want to be with me. It controlled my life, as proven in previous posts, but not anymore. My New Year’s resolution was to bring those walls down and to let people into my life without assuming that they only intended to destroy it.

I’m happy now. I know that I am an amazing person and anyone would be lucky to have me in their life. I know what my priorities are – my daughter and my education, not my relationship status. I’m not even in a place in my life where I can give all of myself to someone. I have far too much going on right now. I work full time, I’m a full time student, and I’m a single mom; doesn’t leave much room for date night. So right now, I’m perfectly content with being single.

I posted on FB the other day something along those lines, and while I had one friend comment that she liked it, stalker boy came on and said it sounded jaded. Um… what? How is my being confident with myself jaded? So I was chatting with a friend about it and she said that he’s probably just pissed because my being happily single really does mean that I’ll never get to the point that I’d be desperate enough to date him. I’m sorry, but there’s just not enough alcohol in the world that would cause me to even hint at dating him. Just not there, and to be honest, dude creeps me out. So he ended up ruining a perfectly nice status update… so I deleted the post and then I deleted him. I don’t need to be FB friends with people that I can’t stand.

The book – “The Gift of Fear” explains quite nicely why women are victimized so much… it’s because we’re too nice. It’s like we’re trained to be polite and not hurt people’s feelings; that it’s wrong to be rude when in all actuality, being rude could save your life. After reading that book I realized that I needed to stop placating people. If a situation is making me uncomfortable I’ll let people know about it. I’m not going to play nice and potentially lead someone on because that could lead to a rather dangerous situation. Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t think that stalker boy is actually a threat…Lord knows I could kick his ass if it ever came to that (not even joking… I could totally take him), I just would rather not have to deal with awkward situations.

So yeah, I’m single and kinda loving it. I like not having the pressure of trying to find a guy or the stress of having to find time for someone. I like not having to answer to anyone and being able to hang out with people without getting the 3rd degree. I mean, I’m not alone; I have my friends that I can turn to, both guys and girls, if I just need someone to talk to or chill with. Plus… there’s someone else that could possibly fill that “relationship” void without there being an actual relationship. He understands my situation and we’re actually on the same page with things, which is really nice.

I’m sure that 30 will come and I’ll still be unmarried, but at that point I’ll have other things to be proud of – like an amazing daughter, a kick ass degree, and with any luck a job that I love. Everything else will fall into place when it’s meant to be. Until then, I’m not being jaded…I’m just being me.

A Note to the Sperm Donor...

I just had a moment at work where I got bored and decided to look back at some of the letter that I’ve written to you in the past. I have three of them on my computer that I never gave to you. Two of them were my attempting to end it and one was me stupidly going on and on about us moving in together and getting married. It was quite sad to read it after knowing what I do now. I was so naïve back then, it was truly pathetic. Then I decided to take a look at a document titled “My Story”. It starts off explaining how things went down on 10/03/08 and then goes on to tell other horror stories from when we were together. I keep going back and forth on whether or not I want to write my own little memoir about what happened, if for no other reason than to be able to give it to my child if she ever asks so she can read about why her parents are no longer together. So I added a few things and got so angry. You really did some horrible things to me. I mean, it was so pathetic that I stood by your side and allowed you to do this. Hell, I actually convinced myself that you loved me while you were torturing me!!! How sad is that? I hate you. I mean, I really, truly, with all my heart hate you. But more than that, I pity you. You’re just a sad little boy. You must feel so emasculated that you need to hit women to exert your power. You can never let anyone tell you what to do, or even allow for someone to have an opinion that differs from your own. You’re pitiful, and I think I actually just shed a tear at how pathetic your existence truly is. Here I was, feeling sorry for myself because of what I went through, when I’m the lucky one. I got out. I escaped. I am free to live my life the way I want to, without having to concern myself with you and your reactions. I’m the lucky one in this scenario because I’m not you. No wonder you’re always so depressed. I would be too if I had to look myself in the mirror every day and see what a complete and utter failure at life I’ve become. It amazes me that you used to use your leaving as a way to control me, when in reality, it was a gift. Having you out of my life for good is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I’m no longer under your spell or under your control. I no longer have to worry about saying the wrong thing, or looking at you the wrong way, or not being able to help you the way you need. No longer will I be forced to play nice and tell you that you’re amazing to keep you from killing yourself. No longer will I end up screwed financially because you use your children to guilt me into helping you out when you’ve been irresponsible. True, my daughter is losing out on a father and siblings, but in the end she’s gaining more than she is losing – she’s going to grow up with peace of mind knowing that everything is ok. She won’t be forced to hear her mother’s cries as her father throws a television at the wall. She won’t have to hide in a corner as her father freaks out and threatens to throw rocks at windows. She won’t ever wonder if she’s loved. She won’t ever be afraid of being dragged across the floor for being outside. She won’t ever have to worry about being screamed at and punished if she doesn’t jump up fast enough to go get her father a drink. She’ll be happy.

Such a Slacker!

Wow – it has been far too long since I’ve blogged. Just been too busy with other things I suppose. Well let’s see…what’s been happening since last time I said anything? Trying to change the way I live my life and a major part is not jumping into bed with guys too quickly. Still sticking with the celibacy thing. Just tired of guys treating me like I’m nothing more than a piece of ass. Though, can’t really blame them, since that’s pretty much how I viewed myself for such a long time. I suppose I could thank C for opening my eyes to that. Getting kicked out of the house after a roll in the hay because the girlfriend I didn’t know he had was almost there really hit me hard. I don’t deserve that; I deserve so much more. I should be with a decent guy, one that understands my situation and won’t get pissed when I put my child or education before him.

Speaking of education – school starts next Tuesday. I’m excited about this semester. I’m doing mostly psych classes with one CJ class. By the end of the semester I’ll have completed the courses required to minor in psychology…but I’m majoring, so that doesn’t say much. I’m taking a lot of the pre-requisites, so hopefully (if available) I can actually take Abnormal Psychology next semester. I’ve been so excited about that class. I’m also thinking that by the end of summer I should be done with the requirements for my CJ degree. I’m getting close to finally being done. Another year or so, then I need to figure out what to do next. Do I get my Masters in Criminology online at FSU or do I get my PsyD in Forensic Psychology at Nova? I guess it’s whatever I can afford. It’s kinda scary knowing that I’m getting closer to completing my degree since that means I’m getting closer to having to attempt to find a job in my chosen fields. Fingers crossed the economy is better by then and there are more jobs available.

Well – if I want to keep the job I currently have I guess I should end this and get back to work. Hope you enjoyed the update and I will attempt to keep the blog up and not just let it die.