Relay for Life

This year, over 1.4 million Americans will hear the words ‘You have cancer’. I know too many people who have been touched by cancer, and that is why I have joined the American Cancer Society on a mission to save lives and create a world with more birthdays by participating in the Relay For Life in my community.

At Relay For Life we celebrate loved ones who have won their battle against cancer, remember those who are no longer with us, and fight back against this disease that touches so many. I am determined to make a difference, and I hope you will join me. I will be Relaying on May 7th, 2011 in Vierra Suntree, Fl.

Please, support me in my efforts by using the link below to visit my personal web page and make a donation. Every dollar raised brings us one dollar closer to a cure.

Thank you so much for your support. Together, we ARE saving lives and creating a world with more birthdays!

Team La Joie de la Vie

BAM!!!

Yup... that's the sound of the other shoe dropping. I appreciate the honesty of people, but some things really are best left unsaid. I'm beginning to wonder if I'll ever really be able to be happy...or maybe I need to get back on my meds. I just hate having to depend on them to put a dang smile on my face. It's not fair.

I might be overreacting, but I don't know. I mean... I can handle what I found out - there really was no betrayal or anything - I just didn't want to know about it. What I cannot handle is breaking down and having a certain person...the one that I drop everything to be there for when needed... not be there for me. I'm sorry, but if someone you supposedly care about and don't want to hurt leaves a voicemail, crying, saying that they just need someone to talk to... wouldn't you call them back? Meanwhile, my best friend's boyfriend just saw a simple tweet and called me right away to see if I was ok. Broke down in tears with him on the phone. I just don't know how I'm going to explain to my daughter that she really is never going to know her father. I was so hoping that he'd get his act together and one day be a part of her life, but obviously that's never going to happen. And she does love him. We talk about him, she sees his pictures so she knows what he looks like. They're learning about families at school now so she's been asking to see him more and more and all I can tell her is that he was a bad listener and didn't follow the rules so he's in time out for a long time. That's not gonna fly forever. This is just hitting me harder then I expected. Yeah, he's gonna spend a long time in jail, most people would think I'd be thrilled, but I'm just so disappointed instead.

Oh, and I'm doing a 5K run tonight so I get to see my ex, C, and his girlfriend there tonight. Those f*kers don't even work here and yet they're gonna participate. I shouldn't let it get to me, but she's the girl he tossed me aside for, so it stings a little. I hate this. I was doing so good for like a week and now I feel like everything is crumbling down around me...again.

We Made A Difference

So anyone that is friends with me on Facebook knows that I have a major issue with my Tuesday night professor. She always shows up at least 20 minutes late, she's completely unorganized, and last week the whole class was sitting around for an hour waiting to take an exam and no one showed. So everyone in the class pretty much wrote to the Dean expressing our displeasure about her. Last night I show up in class, the TA comes in and says she doesn't have the test for us to take, so we're all like, wtf? Then in walks the Dean of the college along with the Assistant Dean. Turns out that because of our complaints the professor will no longer be teaching our class (Dean said she was dealing with personal issues... coming to class smelling like a bar is probably one of them). So we have two options... we can withdraw from the class for a full refund - he'll even try to get the registrar to completely clear it out so we don't even have a W, it'll be like we never registered for the class... or, we could stay and he will teach the class. He's gonna give 2 more exams, so it'll be 3 total (the average grade for the first exam was a D), then he's only going to count the two highest grades. So we might actually have a shot at passing this required course. Yeah, kinda feel bad that she lost her job or whatever, but it's unfair to us as paying students to get screwed by a bad teacher.

To add on to that, got word that the ex violated his probation. Still waiting for the website to update to give me more information, but if he did then he'll probably be locked up until L is in high school (assuming he's released for good behavior).

RIP Elizabeth Taylor.

Sleepless in Ft. Lauderdale

Could not sleep last night. I hate it when that happens. I'm not a morning person to begin with, so when I don't get a good night's sleep I'm especially cranky in the morning. And of course today Lo wanted to throw a fit because she wanted to wear a dress and I told her she had to wear some tights or pants or something under since she doesn't quite get the whole modesty thing and the teachers requested it. We ended up compromising; she wore white shorts under it. Then I had to get gas this morning which I completely forgot about... needless to say I showed up an hour late.

Anyway, woke up to a text from my Aunt suggesting that I try out for the X Factor next month. She thinks I'd do great. I mean, I have a somewhat decent voice, so I dunno, maybe I will try out. What's the worse that could happen?

Ok, now to try to get some work done. Jamming out to the soundtrack of "Burlesque"... great music. And even though I'm lacking in the sleep department, I'm doing pretty good. Last night Lo and I played "baseball" in the driveway. She was so funny, she's like, "Keep the ball on my eyes!" Then we went out back to finger paint and we both ended up covered in paint. It was so much fun, I loved it. Tonight after my test we're heading over to the park again. Good times. :)

Can't Get You Outta My Head...

I'll post about my weekend later on tonight, but right now I just need to clear my mind and I don't know of any way other than writing it all out. I'm scared. I feel so vulnerable and I'm just waiting for something bad to happen. All those years of thinking I wasn't good enough; those thoughts are coming back. I mean, why would anyone want me? Ugh! I don't know why I'm thinking that, just am. I just am so used to having all these walls up and keeping people at a distance and suddenly the walls are crashing down and I'm completely letting him in. I know he would never do anything to hurt me, but it's still scary. I mean, what if he decides that he really doesn't want to be with me? What if all I am is a friend to him? He said that he backed away from the relationship because he needed to get some things in his life straightened out first. He said he doesn't want to hurt me. I believe him. Like I said before, it's a scary situation for me. We're friends and we're getting closer every day. On the one hand, if we do get to try the relationship thing out and it doesn't work, I could very well end up losing an amazing friend... on the other hand, if it does work out... it could be everything I've ever wanted. I'm taking a huge leap of faith here and a huge risk. He's 100% worth it. So many years I've told myself that he wasn't boyfriend material or that he'd never want to be with me, that I just somehow wasn't his type. All of that was complete bull because I was protecting myself. I can't use those lies anymore because I know that he'd be an amazing boyfriend and I'm quite obviously his type. I get butterflies when I get to see him. I get the weird heart racing, tingling sensation in my chest when he calls or texts. I can't help but look at pictures of us together and smile. I got it bad. Don't get me wrong... I'm not sitting here saying I'm in love or anything... it's just that, lately, he's all I seem to think about. All I want is to be in his arms...to feel safe and secure. I wonder if he ever thinks of me when we're apart.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!!!

This is quite possibly the best day of the year for me. I'm Irish, so it gives me a chance to show my Irish pride (as if I don't mention it any other day). Typically I'd go out drinking like a fish, although I haven't done that in a few years, since I had my kid actually. Tonight I'm not going out and going crazy or anything. 1- I have a test tonight, and 2 - I'm taking a very long trip early in the morning tomorrow and I do not feel like throwing up on the side of I-95 because my dumbass has a hangover. We also get corned beef & cabbage tonight! YUM!!!

On a side note... 5 years ago today I hooked up with my friend for the first time. I figured after 7 years it was about time to give in. I was definitely a challenge but he never once got upset or frustrated with me (at least he never showed it). Now, 5 years later (and 13 years into the friendship), we are closer then ever. I love it.

So tomorrow I'm heading up to Gainesville to spend time with some of my family up there. I had intended to bring L, but after all of my plans were made and whatnot my sis told me that her daughter's party is this Saturday. Crap. She said I didn't have to be there but that L did, so she said she'd watch her. I would have just cancelled my trip but one of my cousins is going through somewhat of a personal crisis and I just need to be there for him. We're like super close yet live 5 hours away. Sucks. So I get to pick up my rental at 8 tomorrow and hit the road. Stopping off in Melbourne to have lunch with my older sister and see my niece then trucking along until I hit G-ville. Fun times. :)

btw - I did my good deed for the day and donated blood. Then I got in an interesting conversation with a friend of mine that I shouldn't donate because they just sell the blood to the hospitals and the hospitals charge even more for it. Um... ok. How else do you think they pay their staff and for materials? They have to be bringing some money in. Then he's like, yeah well so&so (some high up person) just gave herself a raise and is making a crazy amount of money.... uh... I don't care. All I care about is that there's someone out there who's life could possibly be saved because they have my donated O+ blood. I can't concern myself with every corrupt/greedy SOB out there... it'd be way too much of a hassle. Serious buzzkill.

Ok, so I probably won't be on for a few days, but I'll blog again on Monday to talk about how the weekend went. =)

Good Night... :)

I was supposed to have a test yesterday for my Bio. Basics class. I'm not gonna lie, completely unprepared. Anyway, this teacher is always late...like at least 20 minutes late every single week. So we're all sitting around waiting for her or her TA to show up. The exam was supposed to begin at 4:20, by 4:50 we were still waiting. One of the girls said that her mother was an assistant dean at the main campus and her advice was to collect an attendance list of everyone that was in the classroom and if the professor wasn't there by 5, then everyone should leave and the list be brought to the dean with an explanation of what happened. So that's what we did. Three kids stayed behind and when the professor finally showed up she just told them that she'd send an email out to us and that they should go ahead and leave as well. She didn't send an email but she posted online and was like... "to those few students that stayed past 4:45 when I arrived...", um, excuse me? Ya didn't show up until after 5, so don't even try that with us. Apparently the TA was supposed to be there to give the exam but didn't show, which is odd because as I was walking to class I saw the TA chatting on her cellphone on campus...so...yeah. Anyway, test is now next week.

The night ended with me going out to a saloon to support my friend who was DJing. Of course, once again, I was out on the dance floor keeping it busy while he kept the place alive with his charming personality. So apparently whenever he'd go to the bar people would be like, "Omg, Sandy is so awesome!...She's amazing", etc. He's like, ok, what about me? lol  The owner thinks that I'm his partner so she asked for my help in getting the word out to college students so they got a younger crowd. I just think that it's wicked funny that people are loving me and all I'm doing is dancing like a fool. It's very good exercise, btw. Anyway, for anyone that's curious, I finally got a decent picture taken of me and my favorite guy...

And here's another one...just cuz I look so good in this one. :)

Don't we make such a cute couple? But alas...it's only friendship for now. In all honesty, I'm kinda terrified of becoming an actual couple because it could potentially mess the friendship up...but at the end of the day, he's the guy I want, just can't help it.

Long Night

No, it's not what most people would think - didn't go out and party last night. I was working on my car instead. Or more specifically, I was assisting my dad, who was working on my car. I didn't just stand around, I climbed, er, rolled under the car (really a freaky thing to know that your life is basically depending on the strength of the jacks supporting the car). We had to replace the belt tensioner and the serpentine belt. Both were a pain the the ass because of the location of everything. I'm seriously so lucky that my dad was willing to help fix it and didn't tell me to just take it to the shop; I can only imagine how much money I saved.

So here's my car - had to move some things out of the way to be able to get a good look at what was going on with it...

Here's what the belt tensioner is supposed to look like - new, out of the box...

Here's what mine looked like... Yeah, my dad wasn't sure which went first... if the bearings on the tensioner gave and that's how the serpentine belt got caught up in it, or if the serpentine belt started to shred, getting caught in the bearings, and that's what happened. Regardless, it needed to be replaced.

We started working on it around 5, took a break for dinner, and finished at some point after 10. My back really hurts from being hunched over the hood for so long and I really did end up covered in dirt and grease from head to toe. Walked in the bathroom and saw a streak across my forhead... no one even bothered to mention it to me... oh well, comes with the job, right? Just didn't sleep well and I'm completely exhausted.

So, now my car is running again, which is good since I have a test this afternoon and I didn't want to take someone else's car and run the risk of having campus security stick one of those nasty parking violation stickers on it since no one else has a parking decal for my university.  I'm about $90 down, but at least I have a vehicle again.

Just a little piece of advice...

If you want a comment to be posted on this site then do me a favor and add your name. I will not publish anonymous comments... especially those that bring up my child and my parenting skills. If you have something to say to me, man up and sign your name to it. Quit hiding behind the anonymity of the internet. And to be quite honest, I really don't give a flying fuck about your opinion anyway, anonymous commenter. I'd give my daughter to my parents and have myself committed before I put my daughter in any kind of danger, so seriously, you can just shut the fuck up. One video post about me feeling like shit does not make me a bad parent. If you noticed I said that I *wasn't* on any drugs. I've been sick and it's been making me lightheaded which throws me off a lot. I'm not some fucking crackhead that can't care for her own child. So again, anonymous comment leaver... fuck off.

K, thx, bye...

Update...

I have such an amazing dad. Seriously, so lucky that he knows enough about cars to be able to not only tell me what's wrong with my car, but to help me fix it too. The serpentine belt popped off this morning, which is not a good thing since it's the belt that kinda goes with everything. It didn't break, but he suggested I get a new one anyway since it looks kinda torn up and if it popped off once it'll probably do it again. So I'll be spending like $80 or something for it and hopefully I can help him with it tonight so I have my car for school tomorrow. I guess it's good that I've already decided that 'm going to rent a car for this weekend... a hybrid to save on gas for my trip. Cannot wait to see my family! I miss them so much!

well crap...

I've actually been feeling pretty good the past 2 days. Didn't get much sleep last night, but still woke up in a pretty good mood. Lo was happy, we had breakfast together, there was no fight about getting her ready for school. Looking good for a Monday. Get in the car, turn it on and POP! Battery light came on, wheel locked up... car's done for now. Ok, so back up plan... use the Fairlane (yeah, we have a sweet 1963 Ford Fairlane 500... thank goodness my dad recently did work on it so it runs fairly well). So yeah, drove the back-up car to work. Lo had to sit in the front seat with her carseat since there are no seatbelts in the back and there are no airbags in the front. Luckily her daycare is literally just down the street. She loved it, but I'm hoping my mom can either switch vehicles with me or pick her up this afternoon. The Fairlane is great...just no powersteering or power brakes (or ABS for that matter). No AC but dad installed a CD player. It's quite the workout to drive it, but it got me to work.

So now the big question remains... do I fix the Focus again (spent about $5000 last year rebuilding the transmission, engine, replacing the motor mounts, new battery, new brakes, the works), or do I suck it up and hope I can get enough money from the Focus to put a downpayment on a new (at least to me) car. My credit kinda sucks and I have like no money in savings (you try saving when you're a single mom making crap for money). Ugh! So frustrating! Plus I have 2 tests this week and if I park any car on campus without a parking decal they'll put one of those annoying stickers on the window. It would have been better if this happened last week, during my spring break, so I didn't have to worry about school.

Oh well... I've borrowed money against my 401k before to fic my car last time... I wonder if I can do that again even though I still owe some money. I mean, I'm borrowing my own money so... I dunno. Let's first see if it's an easy fix or not. Still gonna try to keep my head held high and not let it get to me that much.

Charlie Sheen Ain't Got Nothin on Me!

Best Intentions...

"Don't be so quick to judge me... you only see what I choose to show you."

I stepped out of the "public" for a while because I needed to kinda clear my head...figure out what I wanted without baseing those decisions on the thoughts and ideas of others. I just needed to be around people that have known me, in person, for a long time since they really are the only ones that can truly handle me. Don't get me wrong, some of the people that I've met online are amazing...they really are. They just don't know the real me; they only know the me that I allow them to see online.

I decided yesterday to go back and say hi since it's been a couple months. I have to say I was slightly surprised to know that my name was brought up the day before when people were talking about a cheating spouse or something like that. I don't know the whole backstory on why my name was brought up so I won't even pretend to understand it. I was just really bothered by it. Here I am, gone since last year, not around to defend myself, and my past is being brought up...making it seem like I'm nothing but a homewrecking whore that didn't deserve to badmouth a certain someone. Yeah, I was getting pissed and about to just log off and forget the site even existed until I saw that others came to my defense and set the record straight in my absence. For that I must thank them.

So I gave a short little speil about how I've been and did say that I've made a few mistakes... (I went through a period of being completely lost and I personally felt that I hit rock bottom.) I didn't really feel like going into too much detail because that always ends up causing problems, so I just directed people here if they were really interested. I know that some people are genuinely concerned about me, but the things that are going on are a lot more then what I post on here or what I will ever tell anyone. It got to the point where my best friends have been truly concerned for me. Yeah, school is becoming an issue, but that's because I've gone full time, nonstop, for the past few years. I just cannot do it anymore. I also am having some issues with the ex...him possibly violating probation (monetary and work issues, nothing with me personally), not being able to get him served with paperwork for child support, and of course my daughter asking more and more questions about him. Plus I'm trying to be there for my friends that need a shoulder to cry on and I'm trying to help out a family member that is going through an incredibly stressful situation. Add onto that that I've suffered with depression since I was a teenager...well let's just say it's been tough.

People have been giving me advice, and I truly do appreciate the good intentions...but what I've basically been told is to just concentrate on Lo and school and back off on the guy and going out. Honestly... I don't go out that much (compared to how I was before). Yeah, the past month I went out every Saturday night for karaoke, but that's not too bad. I grab a bite to eat with friends after class during the week...heck, I'm entitled to eat and it's not guaranteed that there will be leftovers waiting for me at home. And with the guy... he's not just any guy. He's so incredibly important to me. I've known him for half my life and, well... he's always been "that guy" to me. Right now we're at the point where us being together is a real possiblity. We're getting to know one another on a completely different level, trying to make sure that if we do give this a try that it'll work and be solid and not just a fling kind of thing. He makes me happy. He keeps me grounded. On top of all that, he's truly amazing with my daughter. And before anyone starts in on me about having him meet her... like I said before, I've known him half my life. He's a family friend. He's met her plenty of times before and if things don't work out with us then at least I know that he will still be in my life and won't just disappear.

Basically, although I do appreciate the advice that I've been given, at the end of the day it comes down to what I feel is best for me since I am the one that must live with it every day. I already decided that I'm taking a break from school, at least for the summer semester. I don't need to work myself that hard all the time. I want to be able to spend more time with my daughter without the stress of having to worry about an exam. The guy is gonna stay in my life, at least as long as he'd like to, which I'm hoping is a while. It's different with him... I can't really explain it. And no, I'm not sitting here saying that I am in love with him (take a lot for me to fall in love with someone... especially after J), but I do love him as a friend; have for years. He knows there's little that I won't do for him and I know the feeling is mutual. So me pushing him aside or whatever...that'd only cause me more stress. I have a solid foundation right now and I'm getting better every day. I'm just trying to take things one day at a time and not let my inner demons destroy me.

So yeah... I guess that's it. I didn't feel like responding personally to everyone and I didn't feel like putting this on the other site. Those that really care know about this blog and will check... those that don't read this or know about it really aren't in a position to give me advice anyway, and I'm trying to keep things more private anyway. I found that I used to just put everything out there and that's about as healthy as keeping everything inside. It's all about balance... within myself, the world around me... everything. I'm working hard to find that balance. I just need some time.

"Sometimes we have to be broken down so that we can be rebuilt into what we're actually meant to be."

Gettin' Too Old For This Crap...

Went out last night to this bar. A good friend of mine was DJing for the first night there and I wanted to be supportive. So got there around 9, sat at the bar and ordered a drink. He got there around 9:30 and when he walked in I was over by the jukebox with some other guy that wanted me to show him how it worked. Um...ok. Spend money on music when the DJ is about to start. Whatever. Anyway, I was there to be supportive, like I said. I wanted to make sure the owners saw that having a DJ was a good idea, so I made sure there was someone on the dance floor all night. That someone happened to be me with whomever I was able to pull out there with me. It was crazy, I was pretty trashed (stopped drinking alcohol around 10:30 then switched to a lot of water). Close to 1 I had to stop because I messed up my knee pretty bad. Couldn't show it though, had to put on a strong front. So we left around 1:30ish, after he packed everything up. Went back to his place, initially to drop off his car so I could take him to get his bike. Ended up passing out on the bed instead for a bit. He got to stay sleeping, I had to get up and head home. I was so exhausted!

So this morning I wake up late and step out of bed...my legs felt like I had just run a marathon. Well, 3+ hrs of non-stop dancing is comparable to a marathon, right? Then I look at my phone...wow. I didn't text anyone anything really bad, but I couldn't even interpret my texts. I mean, was I really that bad? Ugh...just feeling like crap today (more in pain then from any hangover). Wanna go home and sleep, but gotta tough it out and stay here at work. The things I endure to help support my "ex" (but that's a story for another blog). lol

25 to Life

I’m starting to lose my mind again. Just can’t handle this anymore. So tired of being used and taken advantage of. I just wish I could turn off all feelings… that I could just stop caring about people because the people that I bend over backwards for, the ones I drop everything to be there for, aren’t there for me when I need them. Just can’t handle it again. I’m seriously losing my grip on reality. I’m back to the same place I was years ago, and that’s a very scary and dangerous place to be. I’m ruining my entire life. I’m not gonna be able to apply for any police job because of things I’ve done recently. I’m failing all of my classes. Yeah, the girl that has been getting A’s and on the Dean’s list is failing every class. I can’t apply next semester… I’m fairly certain that I lost my grants. I don’t even care. I don’t wanna do it anymore. Don’t wanna do anything anymore. Just so done with everyone and everything. Happiness is just a dream, and a dumb one at that.

They say that God has a plan for everyone. I think I’m starting to understand mine. Maybe my purpose isn’t to live happily ever after, but maybe mine is to help others get there. I mean, “Sandra” does mean “helper of mankind”. I help people. It’s just what I do. The unfortunate thing is that I often help others to the detriment of my own well being. I put myself last. I often ignore my own feelings, but that’s because it’s too painful to deal with them. I have to keep myself distracted, otherwise I’ll become too overwhelmed with all the emotions. It sucks. It’s hard. I’m hurting so bad but I can’t admit it. There’s no one that I can really open up to because I know so much that no one else can know and it’s eating me up inside. So who can I turn to? The one that hurt me? Or do I betray that person’s trust so that I can turn to others? I can’t do that. I could never betray someone like that; it’s just not me. I can never hurt someone, regardless of how many times they’ve hurt me… betrayed me… turned their back on me… it sucks. I hate trying to be strong when all I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry. I hate having to always suck it up, but it’s all I can do… showing anyone weakness is never an option. They’ll just use it against me… everyone does.