I’m starting to lose my mind again. Just can’t handle this anymore. So tired of being used and taken advantage of. I just wish I could turn off all feelings… that I could just stop caring about people because the people that I bend over backwards for, the ones I drop everything to be there for, aren’t there for me when I need them. Just can’t handle it again. I’m seriously losing my grip on reality. I’m back to the same place I was years ago, and that’s a very scary and dangerous place to be. I’m ruining my entire life. I’m not gonna be able to apply for any police job because of things I’ve done recently. I’m failing all of my classes. Yeah, the girl that has been getting A’s and on the Dean’s list is failing every class. I can’t apply next semester… I’m fairly certain that I lost my grants. I don’t even care. I don’t wanna do it anymore. Don’t wanna do anything anymore. Just so done with everyone and everything. Happiness is just a dream, and a dumb one at that.
They say that God has a plan for everyone. I think I’m starting to understand mine. Maybe my purpose isn’t to live happily ever after, but maybe mine is to help others get there. I mean, “Sandra” does mean “helper of mankind”. I help people. It’s just what I do. The unfortunate thing is that I often help others to the detriment of my own well being. I put myself last. I often ignore my own feelings, but that’s because it’s too painful to deal with them. I have to keep myself distracted, otherwise I’ll become too overwhelmed with all the emotions. It sucks. It’s hard. I’m hurting so bad but I can’t admit it. There’s no one that I can really open up to because I know so much that no one else can know and it’s eating me up inside. So who can I turn to? The one that hurt me? Or do I betray that person’s trust so that I can turn to others? I can’t do that. I could never betray someone like that; it’s just not me. I can never hurt someone, regardless of how many times they’ve hurt me… betrayed me… turned their back on me… it sucks. I hate trying to be strong when all I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry. I hate having to always suck it up, but it’s all I can do… showing anyone weakness is never an option. They’ll just use it against me… everyone does.
They say that God has a plan for everyone. I think I’m starting to understand mine. Maybe my purpose isn’t to live happily ever after, but maybe mine is to help others get there. I mean, “Sandra” does mean “helper of mankind”. I help people. It’s just what I do. The unfortunate thing is that I often help others to the detriment of my own well being. I put myself last. I often ignore my own feelings, but that’s because it’s too painful to deal with them. I have to keep myself distracted, otherwise I’ll become too overwhelmed with all the emotions. It sucks. It’s hard. I’m hurting so bad but I can’t admit it. There’s no one that I can really open up to because I know so much that no one else can know and it’s eating me up inside. So who can I turn to? The one that hurt me? Or do I betray that person’s trust so that I can turn to others? I can’t do that. I could never betray someone like that; it’s just not me. I can never hurt someone, regardless of how many times they’ve hurt me… betrayed me… turned their back on me… it sucks. I hate trying to be strong when all I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry. I hate having to always suck it up, but it’s all I can do… showing anyone weakness is never an option. They’ll just use it against me… everyone does.
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