Best Intentions...

"Don't be so quick to judge me... you only see what I choose to show you."

I stepped out of the "public" for a while because I needed to kinda clear my head...figure out what I wanted without baseing those decisions on the thoughts and ideas of others. I just needed to be around people that have known me, in person, for a long time since they really are the only ones that can truly handle me. Don't get me wrong, some of the people that I've met online are amazing...they really are. They just don't know the real me; they only know the me that I allow them to see online.

I decided yesterday to go back and say hi since it's been a couple months. I have to say I was slightly surprised to know that my name was brought up the day before when people were talking about a cheating spouse or something like that. I don't know the whole backstory on why my name was brought up so I won't even pretend to understand it. I was just really bothered by it. Here I am, gone since last year, not around to defend myself, and my past is being brought up...making it seem like I'm nothing but a homewrecking whore that didn't deserve to badmouth a certain someone. Yeah, I was getting pissed and about to just log off and forget the site even existed until I saw that others came to my defense and set the record straight in my absence. For that I must thank them.

So I gave a short little speil about how I've been and did say that I've made a few mistakes... (I went through a period of being completely lost and I personally felt that I hit rock bottom.) I didn't really feel like going into too much detail because that always ends up causing problems, so I just directed people here if they were really interested. I know that some people are genuinely concerned about me, but the things that are going on are a lot more then what I post on here or what I will ever tell anyone. It got to the point where my best friends have been truly concerned for me. Yeah, school is becoming an issue, but that's because I've gone full time, nonstop, for the past few years. I just cannot do it anymore. I also am having some issues with the ex...him possibly violating probation (monetary and work issues, nothing with me personally), not being able to get him served with paperwork for child support, and of course my daughter asking more and more questions about him. Plus I'm trying to be there for my friends that need a shoulder to cry on and I'm trying to help out a family member that is going through an incredibly stressful situation. Add onto that that I've suffered with depression since I was a teenager...well let's just say it's been tough.

People have been giving me advice, and I truly do appreciate the good intentions...but what I've basically been told is to just concentrate on Lo and school and back off on the guy and going out. Honestly... I don't go out that much (compared to how I was before). Yeah, the past month I went out every Saturday night for karaoke, but that's not too bad. I grab a bite to eat with friends after class during the week...heck, I'm entitled to eat and it's not guaranteed that there will be leftovers waiting for me at home. And with the guy... he's not just any guy. He's so incredibly important to me. I've known him for half my life and, well... he's always been "that guy" to me. Right now we're at the point where us being together is a real possiblity. We're getting to know one another on a completely different level, trying to make sure that if we do give this a try that it'll work and be solid and not just a fling kind of thing. He makes me happy. He keeps me grounded. On top of all that, he's truly amazing with my daughter. And before anyone starts in on me about having him meet her... like I said before, I've known him half my life. He's a family friend. He's met her plenty of times before and if things don't work out with us then at least I know that he will still be in my life and won't just disappear.

Basically, although I do appreciate the advice that I've been given, at the end of the day it comes down to what I feel is best for me since I am the one that must live with it every day. I already decided that I'm taking a break from school, at least for the summer semester. I don't need to work myself that hard all the time. I want to be able to spend more time with my daughter without the stress of having to worry about an exam. The guy is gonna stay in my life, at least as long as he'd like to, which I'm hoping is a while. It's different with him... I can't really explain it. And no, I'm not sitting here saying that I am in love with him (take a lot for me to fall in love with someone... especially after J), but I do love him as a friend; have for years. He knows there's little that I won't do for him and I know the feeling is mutual. So me pushing him aside or whatever...that'd only cause me more stress. I have a solid foundation right now and I'm getting better every day. I'm just trying to take things one day at a time and not let my inner demons destroy me.

So yeah... I guess that's it. I didn't feel like responding personally to everyone and I didn't feel like putting this on the other site. Those that really care know about this blog and will check... those that don't read this or know about it really aren't in a position to give me advice anyway, and I'm trying to keep things more private anyway. I found that I used to just put everything out there and that's about as healthy as keeping everything inside. It's all about balance... within myself, the world around me... everything. I'm working hard to find that balance. I just need some time.

"Sometimes we have to be broken down so that we can be rebuilt into what we're actually meant to be."