A Note to the Sperm Donor...

I just had a moment at work where I got bored and decided to look back at some of the letter that I’ve written to you in the past. I have three of them on my computer that I never gave to you. Two of them were my attempting to end it and one was me stupidly going on and on about us moving in together and getting married. It was quite sad to read it after knowing what I do now. I was so naïve back then, it was truly pathetic. Then I decided to take a look at a document titled “My Story”. It starts off explaining how things went down on 10/03/08 and then goes on to tell other horror stories from when we were together. I keep going back and forth on whether or not I want to write my own little memoir about what happened, if for no other reason than to be able to give it to my child if she ever asks so she can read about why her parents are no longer together. So I added a few things and got so angry. You really did some horrible things to me. I mean, it was so pathetic that I stood by your side and allowed you to do this. Hell, I actually convinced myself that you loved me while you were torturing me!!! How sad is that? I hate you. I mean, I really, truly, with all my heart hate you. But more than that, I pity you. You’re just a sad little boy. You must feel so emasculated that you need to hit women to exert your power. You can never let anyone tell you what to do, or even allow for someone to have an opinion that differs from your own. You’re pitiful, and I think I actually just shed a tear at how pathetic your existence truly is. Here I was, feeling sorry for myself because of what I went through, when I’m the lucky one. I got out. I escaped. I am free to live my life the way I want to, without having to concern myself with you and your reactions. I’m the lucky one in this scenario because I’m not you. No wonder you’re always so depressed. I would be too if I had to look myself in the mirror every day and see what a complete and utter failure at life I’ve become. It amazes me that you used to use your leaving as a way to control me, when in reality, it was a gift. Having you out of my life for good is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I’m no longer under your spell or under your control. I no longer have to worry about saying the wrong thing, or looking at you the wrong way, or not being able to help you the way you need. No longer will I be forced to play nice and tell you that you’re amazing to keep you from killing yourself. No longer will I end up screwed financially because you use your children to guilt me into helping you out when you’ve been irresponsible. True, my daughter is losing out on a father and siblings, but in the end she’s gaining more than she is losing – she’s going to grow up with peace of mind knowing that everything is ok. She won’t be forced to hear her mother’s cries as her father throws a television at the wall. She won’t have to hide in a corner as her father freaks out and threatens to throw rocks at windows. She won’t ever wonder if she’s loved. She won’t ever be afraid of being dragged across the floor for being outside. She won’t ever have to worry about being screamed at and punished if she doesn’t jump up fast enough to go get her father a drink. She’ll be happy.