what the hell?

I seriously have to sit back sometimes and just think to myself… “self… what the hell is wrong with you?!?” I mean, honestly I don’t get myself. I wish I could be cold and heartless sometimes, but that’s just not me. I’m just such a lovey person. Normally I’d say, unless you cross me, but to be completely honest, I just cannot hold a grudge. I mean, there’s this one guy that played me hardcore. I mean, he was good. I found out that he lied about his relationship status and it pissed me off. I mean, I really digged this guy. Looks, yeah, he’s good looking, but more than that was his personality. We used to talk all the time about everything. Just felt this awesome connection. The azzhat even had the audacity to talk to me about my daughter, inviting her out to dinner one time. He told me he couldn’t wait for me to meet his dad and friends, and when I mentioned to him that my friends keep saying that I need to find myself a good man, he said that I’d found one already (him). I mean… the fuck? Why the hell would someone say that knowing that they have a girlfriend? That’s just unnecessarily cruel. I called him out on it, via text because I probably would have chickened out over the phone, and here’s a shocker, he hasn’t replied. It’s like I was nothing but a fucking game to him. I just don’t understand the thought process behind the things that people do. He’s a sadistic bastard; likes to hurt girls emotionally. I guess at the end of the day I got lucky though – heard from a friend of his that he treats his girlfriend like shit, yelling at her and talking down to her. It took me such a long time to get out of J’s control, the last thing I need is to end up in a situation where I’m mentally and emotionally abused again. And yet… I miss him. I just want him to tell me that it’s not true and that he actually cared, but I know that will never happen. I think I’m just lonely and needing someone to, not be with, but to be able to spoil and kinda take care of. See, people might not believe it, but I absolutely love giving massages and scratching someone’s head. Just doing whatever possible to make them comfortable and happy. I’m so weird. Anyway, I feel uber nauseous right now, like something really bad is about to happen. I don’t like this feeling. I want it to go away.