Oh the pain!!!

WARNING - DON'T READ IF YOU GET GROSSED OUT EASILY

When I was a junior in high school I had an issue with my ear. I went months with this annoying pain, but it seemed to me like no one cared about it. Eventually my mom realized that I wasn't faking it and I needed to see a doctor. So I went to an EN&T Dr and found that because I used Q-tips and I'm lucky enough to procduce more ear wax than normal, I had a solid mass pressing against my ear drum. The doctor tried to clean it out, but because it was so compacted, every time he tried I ended up in such intense pain that I just broke down in tears. I never felt anything like that before in my life. So the doc told me to put a hydrogen peroxide/water in my ear, let it fizzle, then put baby oil in it, and that it should soften things up for the next week's appointment. Until then, since I really was in crazy pain, I ended up on pain killers for a week, missing school and everything. Next week, got everything handled, no problem, and I could actually hear - it was amazing.

Well, I've been fanatical about my ears ever since because I never wanted to go through that pain again. Apparently, I haven't been as good as I thought, because now the pain is back. Same ear, same crazy pain. It just got so bad a few minutes ago that I almost broke down in tears at work, I couldn't see, and the room was spinning because my equalibrium was thrown off. Looks like I get to take another trip to the EN&T doc, only this time I know what to do to prep. I just need the pain to go away, because it sucks so much right now.

I gotta feelin... that tonight's gonna be a good night...

I am feeling so much better today. Last night was nice and relaxing and I woke up happy - and it wasn't even because of sex (although that would've been nice)! It's always great when I get to talk to my faux-therapist. Even though he can be a dick at times, he makes me laugh and feel better, so I'm grateful.

Class tonight, I need to get laundry done tomorrow, and Saturday I get to sleep in (woohoo!) and then pick up my dress for the wedding. Dude, I look wicked hot in it. :) I am so excited for this wedding.

Ok, I'm making this short and sweet because I don't have any drama to bitch about. I'm just going to finish up my work and head out to a sushi buffet for lunch. nom nom nom. :)

Peace out, sea trout!

Losing it.

I'm breaking. It's a semi-annual event for me. Whenever bad things happen I just say, it is what it is, and I let it go. I don't cry, I don't get mad, I just push it aside. I don't like showing weakness, and that's what tears and anger are. I know it's unhealthy, but it's how I deal with things. Then something happens, or nothing happens, and I break down.

I'm not happy. Not happy with my job, not happy with my life, definitely not happy with myself. I view myself as a huge disappointment. I don't really feel like anyone truly cares about me. I have no one to call and talk to when I need to - trust me, I've gone through my phone plenty of times making calls when I needed to talk and no one ever seems to want to answer - or call back. Am I really that much of a loser?

I am alone, but I have plenty of guys in my life. Unfortunately, I don't think any of these guys actually care about me, unless the way to show that you care is to hurt a person or to view them purely as a sexual object. Or my favorite, promise that you'll be there, that you'll show up at 8 sharp, only to not show, call, or return any calls/texts. Yes, that was my night last night. I got stood up by the deputy. He couldn't have forgotten because we talked about him coming over all day yesterday. He promised he'd give me a huge hug because of what happened on Monday and because I was having a lousy day yesterday, but he never showed. It's typical of him. It's one of the things we fought about most. Now I'm sure he'll come back with some excuse like he fell asleep or he was hanging out with J - doesn't matter. The one person I considered my best friend couldn't even follow through on plans to hang out when he knew I needed him the most.

Then of course, Valentine's day is coming up. Joy. Now, I've had a boyfriend pretty much every v-day since I started dating, but I haven't actually celebrated v-day since....well, I don't remember. It always ends up being screwed up. Last year C was out of town, the three years before that with J, well, he always managed to make that day a living hell for me. Before that I was with the Deputy, and he just didn't seem to care about it. I think the only person I've ever celebrated v-day with was MF. He always made it so special. He made everything special. Of course, he actually loved me and cared about me, unlike the others.

So this year will be no different than the last few. I'll be alone, well, with Lo. There is a Tour de Broward that day for the Joe Dimaggio Children's Hospital. I think I'll do their 5k run, or perhaps the 3k family walk. That hospital is where Lo stayed when we had the eye infection, and they were amazing. I don't think I would have been able to last a week there without their help and kindness.

Ok, I'm done bitching. I can already tell today is either going to be a fighting day or a crying day. It sucks so much, but that's just the way it is. I gotta get myself in check because when I'm like this I get into self-destruct mode. All I want is for someone to hold me while I cry. No talking, no asking questions, just for them to hold me. Is that too much to ask?

Fucking Weirdos!

After class tonight I went to the pool hall to get something to eat. E, the guy that I had met last week, met me there. Now, last week we got along pretty well, so I was fine with hanging out again. Dude shows up completely trashed. Unable to form a thought, and I think I detected a hint of pot. Oy - ok.

I didn't go there to drink, I went there for dinner and to read my book. So he was bugging me to have a drink, and I must have told him no a dozen times. Then he went on about how I shouldn't become an alcoholic. Um... ok, I wasn't too concerned with that considering I was drinking water.

Then he looked though my textbook and I had my homework in there - it was a thought paper where we had to write who we were and why we thought that. It was pretty personal, so I took it because I didn't want anyone reading it. Apparently he got upset by that, which confused me. I told him I didn't know him and that the only person that needed to read that, aside from me, was my teacher.

So we were talking, and I was trying to be polite, but he was bugging the crap out of me. He kept on telling me how much he liked me and all this other stuff. I don't remember how the conversation got to this, but he's like, you like bad boys, I know. I was like, um... no I don't. He swore that I did because I had said it the other night. First off, don't try to sit here and tell me, the sober one, that I said something that I never said, and second, don't try to act like you know me and know what I like. Then he started talking about my ex-husband... yeah...

So after the annoying conversation, he's like, you have nice ears, can I touch them? wtf? Who says that? Then he asks if he can kiss me. Again, I tell him no, that I didn't know him well enough to kiss me. He's like, well the texts said otherwise - something like that. What texts? I asked, and he told me not to play stupid. So I grabbed my phone to see what I said that might have been miscontrued, and he tried to take my phone away. Yeah, no one touches my fucking phone. I remember he texted me asking for a picture, and I refused to send one, but there wasn't even a hint of kissing or even flirting for that matter. So he asked again to kiss me, and again I said no.

By this time I was getting aggravated, so I asked for the bill to leave. Walked outside, said bye, and headed to my car. As I'm halfway across the parking lot, freezing, he shouts out - I got a hug last time. I just said I was cold and went to my car. Apparently I didn't start my car soon enough - I was looking for some body spray because I reeked of cigarettes and I can't stand that. So he pulls up next to me and tries to get in my car. Luckily I'm super anal about making sure my doors are locked as soon as I get in my car (habit from J), so I rolled the window down a crack and I'm like, what? He's like - last time I got a hug, I want a hug now. I'm like, no, I have to go. He kept bugging me, saying that he wanted a hug, and I kept saying no. Then he's like, am I freaking you out? Of course, I said yes, he got in his car and I took off.

Freaked me the hell out. I don't like being in that situation. Yes, he got a hug last time, because we got along, and it wasn't intimate, it was like a nice to meet you hug. You don't sit here and demand one! Jesus! When I left I was kinda freaking, worried that he'd follow me home or something, so I took the long way home, and after I confirmed that no one was following me, I went home. Now deputy's pissed because he wasn't there (he was too tired to meet me), and he wasn't able to protect me. I mean, it's all good now - I'm just ignoring the texts and calls and deleting the voicemail without checking it (yes, he's already texted and called and this just happened like 30 minutes ago).

I'm giving up on guys for a while because apparently I can't seem to choose normal ones. :(

I met a boy...

Ok, not so much a boy as a man, a 35 year old. Y'all know how I have a thing for older guys. I went to the Billiard Club after class on Thursday and I was sittin at the bar, drinking my beer, and reading "Another Day in the Frontal Lobe" and this guy starts chatting with me. Now, I don't know about you, but I would typically think that sitting at a bar reading a medical book for fun wouldn't start many conversations. I was wrong.

So this guy was pretty cute. He just smoked like a chimney and drank like a fish. We had a nice long conversation. We talked about everything, including the issue with the ex and how I was nervous about going for child support because of the parental rights thing. He assured me that it wouldn't make a difference since he pays child support but has no rights. He gets his son on the weekends (or every other, I forget), only because she agreed to that, not that the courts decided it.

The conversation then turned into one that is deserving of the Kittens thread, but that's just how I get after a drink or two. He said he was quite shocked about some things because I just looked like such an innocent little girl. Yeah, that's what they all think. I mean, I wasn't offering to blow him in the parking lot or anything, but I heard plenty of stories from him about his experiences. It was interesting, to say the least.

We exchanged numbers and then I went home... alone. I was proud of myself that I didn't kiss him or anything like that. Like I said, he was attractive, and I'm somewhat vulnerable now, but I behaved.

Why am I vulnerable? Good question. I guess it's because I'm really bitter and pissed off at the fact that C has these other girls that he could screw and I don't. Well, that's not entirely true. I'm fairly certain that if I wanted I could have gone back to E's place and had some fun (but I'm just not that kinda girl), plus I know the deputy wants a piece and my old friend, J, is back in my life now and he wants some as well. I don't know why, the most we ever did was drunkenly kiss one night, many years ago. We were best friends before he started hating on me. Deputy told me that he's back in touch because he wants a 3-some with the two of us (Deputy & J are BFF - I met them when I worked at Bennigan's). They made a pact to have a 3-some with a chick, and it looks like I'm the "lucky" third party. I don't know if I'd be able to do that. I mean, sure, it'd be fun to be DP'd, but I don't know if I'd be able to look at them again, especially if they end up touching each other. Eeewww!

I know that C wants to have a 3-some with me and another chick. I'd be cool with that except that I actually care about C, and I tend to get uber jealous, so I'd probably lose my cool in the middle of it. I think I'd have to be the girl invited into a "relationship" in order to do that. Besides, C no longer deserves that. If he's going to be screwing around with other girls, why should he get that perk? Ugh, what the hell does it matter? We're not together, we never will be together again, and it sucks big floppy donkey dick, but that's life. He's an idiot, plain and simple. A complete moron for not seeing what's right in front of him.

Ok, enough about him because I'm starting to get all emotional. Today's Monday, which means it's a short day at work and a long night of class - 4-10. Social Psych tonight. Yay! :) I think the Deputy is going to come over tomorrow to help me study for my constitutional law class. I know damn well that he'd like to do more than just study, but it's too damn bad. He ain't getting anything from me. I need a clear head before I get intimate with anyone. Plus, my family is at my house, and that's just wrong.

Bachelorette Party

I had a blast at the bachelorette party on Saturday. I ended up renting a car so that I didn't have to worry about mine overheating on the trip. We stayed at Disney's Pop Century Resort. It's such a cool place. Yes, that's a giant Rubick's cube. They had a bunch of them there. :)

The maid of honor had decorated a Minnie Mouse veil for V, since she is a huge Disney fan. I helped out the best I could, but I'm not the most creative person in the world, so I just told her I'd pay if she decorated, so it worked out pretty well. It had a pic of the bride and my cousin, a Publix name tag (that's where they met), light up diamond rings, and some sports and shoe designs. V loved it.

We went out to Bahama Breeze for dinner, and I had the best meal! Shrimp and Grits with bacon and hollandaise sauce. OMG - it was to die for! We also surprised V with a shoebox cake, and she loved it. The theme of the party was shoes. We were supposed to decorate our high heels. Unfortunately, I didn't get the chance to since L and school take up so much of my time. Everyone else did an awesome job though.

After dinner we went out to Howl at the Moon. I realized that I need to phrase my questions a bit better when I asked the male bartender if he did blow jobs. Of course, I meant the shots, but his reply was priceless - well, I don't do them, but I love receiving them. lol. So V, G, and I did the shots, and we were told we had to do them the right way - hands free. I had never done that before, so I was slightly worried that I'd spill or whatever. I did a damn good job though, took the whole thing like a pro. the bartender grabbed the camera so we could get some good pics. I didn't notice until later that H was giving the thumbs up. Too funny. :)

It was a great night. We got back to the hotel around 2 and I woke up with a killer headache, but I didn't feel sick or anything, so I was very grateful considering I had a long drive back home.

Anyway, I'm glad to be home. I have a full day tomorrow. Work in the morning and then school until 10.

What to do...

As much as I hate to admit it, I am single. It sucks and I wish it wasn't so, but alas, I have yet to meet my prince charming. I've had plenty of fun with the toads though. :) I have a point - I promise. My ex, the deputy, has been dropping hints about us getting together again. Do I love him, yes, but I'm not in love with him. Unfortunately, my heart still belongs to someone else. I know, I know, I need to get over C, I've heard it all before. That's easier said than done. I love him and feelings like that don't just go away. I went out with waiter boy, M, and the firefighter in hopes that I'd get over him, but no dice. Ugh, I hate it. It sucks so much when someone has that kind of control over me. Sometimes love just bites. I saw this on Angela's page one day, it was the love quote of the day, and I thought it was perfect:


"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you up and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love."


Yes, it blows. It's so confusing. I'd like to give it another try with the deputy. We had fun and we split because he needed to concentrate on his career. I just want to make sure that I'd be with him because I want to, and not to get over C or because I don't want to be alone. I talked to my ex, MF about it (my first boyfriend that I would get back together with in a heartbeat). I went into the whole speil about C and this is what he told me, "back and forth passes the time. be friends with some benefits until you meet someone worth keeping, that way you don't go crazy without any nookie..." Yes, it's no secret that without sex I do kinda go a little crazy - but we all go a little crazy sometimes... (cue "psycho" music. lol) So what if you find the person worth keeping but they're too blind to see it?


I understand where C was coming from with us splitting; you can't force feelings that aren't there. Plus he's obviously fine with the idea of tapping some strange - a thought that tears me up inside - so there is like virtually no chance of a reconciliation. But me and deputy. I don't know. At one point he was my life. I wanted to marry him. Maybe if we give it another go then the feelings will come rushing back. I know that whenever we're together I feel safe. I don't really have romantic feelings for him, but if we do give it another go then maybe those feelings will come back. Maybe that's something that C should have considered. I mean, I've changed so much since we first met. Maybe if we would have given it another try he would find that he does have those feelings for me and I'd be happy instead of miserable.

Slacker

I have seriously been slacking in my blogging duties. I guess that's what I get for trying to actually work during the day. Ugh, fucking hate my job. I just want to go to school. I want to find someone to take care of me so I can concentrate on my studies. I wanna go to med school. I wanna be a doctor. C loaned me a book, "Another Day in the Frontal Lobe", about a neurosurgeon. Now I want to be a neurosurgen. That'd just be so kick ass. I want to be so many things, just don't know how to do it. How am I going to be able to afford med school? I barely make any money and the money I do make goes to day care for Lo. It's virtually impossible to save up because every time I do something happens and my savings gets drained. It fucking blows. Things would be so much easier if I had some help with Lo. I wish her father wasn't such a dick. Oh well, that's life.

So tomorrow is R's birthday. Tomorrow is also my day off. I was toying around with the idea of going up to see him, but after the amazing night I had last night, I don't think I wanna be around any other man. Last night fucking rocked the caspah. I'm still weak from it. Ok, I have got to stop thinking about that or it'll turn into a very uncomfortable experience at work. :)

Bachelorette party this Saturday. So excited about it! We're going to Orlando to some clubs. Yes, I will be drinking, but it will be responsibly. I have to drive back home the next morning and I don't feel like puking on the side of 95. I don't know how crazy we're gonna get, but I'm up for anything. Bringing some singles just in case. I'm also considering getting my tatoo while I'm up there. :). I'll post whatever pictures I can on Sunday. Can't wait! I just need to make sure I don't send any crazy texts that night. :)