BAM!!!

Yup... that's the sound of the other shoe dropping. I appreciate the honesty of people, but some things really are best left unsaid. I'm beginning to wonder if I'll ever really be able to be happy...or maybe I need to get back on my meds. I just hate having to depend on them to put a dang smile on my face. It's not fair.

I might be overreacting, but I don't know. I mean... I can handle what I found out - there really was no betrayal or anything - I just didn't want to know about it. What I cannot handle is breaking down and having a certain person...the one that I drop everything to be there for when needed... not be there for me. I'm sorry, but if someone you supposedly care about and don't want to hurt leaves a voicemail, crying, saying that they just need someone to talk to... wouldn't you call them back? Meanwhile, my best friend's boyfriend just saw a simple tweet and called me right away to see if I was ok. Broke down in tears with him on the phone. I just don't know how I'm going to explain to my daughter that she really is never going to know her father. I was so hoping that he'd get his act together and one day be a part of her life, but obviously that's never going to happen. And she does love him. We talk about him, she sees his pictures so she knows what he looks like. They're learning about families at school now so she's been asking to see him more and more and all I can tell her is that he was a bad listener and didn't follow the rules so he's in time out for a long time. That's not gonna fly forever. This is just hitting me harder then I expected. Yeah, he's gonna spend a long time in jail, most people would think I'd be thrilled, but I'm just so disappointed instead.

Oh, and I'm doing a 5K run tonight so I get to see my ex, C, and his girlfriend there tonight. Those f*kers don't even work here and yet they're gonna participate. I shouldn't let it get to me, but she's the girl he tossed me aside for, so it stings a little. I hate this. I was doing so good for like a week and now I feel like everything is crumbling down around me...again.

We Made A Difference

So anyone that is friends with me on Facebook knows that I have a major issue with my Tuesday night professor. She always shows up at least 20 minutes late, she's completely unorganized, and last week the whole class was sitting around for an hour waiting to take an exam and no one showed. So everyone in the class pretty much wrote to the Dean expressing our displeasure about her. Last night I show up in class, the TA comes in and says she doesn't have the test for us to take, so we're all like, wtf? Then in walks the Dean of the college along with the Assistant Dean. Turns out that because of our complaints the professor will no longer be teaching our class (Dean said she was dealing with personal issues... coming to class smelling like a bar is probably one of them). So we have two options... we can withdraw from the class for a full refund - he'll even try to get the registrar to completely clear it out so we don't even have a W, it'll be like we never registered for the class... or, we could stay and he will teach the class. He's gonna give 2 more exams, so it'll be 3 total (the average grade for the first exam was a D), then he's only going to count the two highest grades. So we might actually have a shot at passing this required course. Yeah, kinda feel bad that she lost her job or whatever, but it's unfair to us as paying students to get screwed by a bad teacher.

To add on to that, got word that the ex violated his probation. Still waiting for the website to update to give me more information, but if he did then he'll probably be locked up until L is in high school (assuming he's released for good behavior).

RIP Elizabeth Taylor.

Sleepless in Ft. Lauderdale

Could not sleep last night. I hate it when that happens. I'm not a morning person to begin with, so when I don't get a good night's sleep I'm especially cranky in the morning. And of course today Lo wanted to throw a fit because she wanted to wear a dress and I told her she had to wear some tights or pants or something under since she doesn't quite get the whole modesty thing and the teachers requested it. We ended up compromising; she wore white shorts under it. Then I had to get gas this morning which I completely forgot about... needless to say I showed up an hour late.

Anyway, woke up to a text from my Aunt suggesting that I try out for the X Factor next month. She thinks I'd do great. I mean, I have a somewhat decent voice, so I dunno, maybe I will try out. What's the worse that could happen?

Ok, now to try to get some work done. Jamming out to the soundtrack of "Burlesque"... great music. And even though I'm lacking in the sleep department, I'm doing pretty good. Last night Lo and I played "baseball" in the driveway. She was so funny, she's like, "Keep the ball on my eyes!" Then we went out back to finger paint and we both ended up covered in paint. It was so much fun, I loved it. Tonight after my test we're heading over to the park again. Good times. :)

Can't Get You Outta My Head...

I'll post about my weekend later on tonight, but right now I just need to clear my mind and I don't know of any way other than writing it all out. I'm scared. I feel so vulnerable and I'm just waiting for something bad to happen. All those years of thinking I wasn't good enough; those thoughts are coming back. I mean, why would anyone want me? Ugh! I don't know why I'm thinking that, just am. I just am so used to having all these walls up and keeping people at a distance and suddenly the walls are crashing down and I'm completely letting him in. I know he would never do anything to hurt me, but it's still scary. I mean, what if he decides that he really doesn't want to be with me? What if all I am is a friend to him? He said that he backed away from the relationship because he needed to get some things in his life straightened out first. He said he doesn't want to hurt me. I believe him. Like I said before, it's a scary situation for me. We're friends and we're getting closer every day. On the one hand, if we do get to try the relationship thing out and it doesn't work, I could very well end up losing an amazing friend... on the other hand, if it does work out... it could be everything I've ever wanted. I'm taking a huge leap of faith here and a huge risk. He's 100% worth it. So many years I've told myself that he wasn't boyfriend material or that he'd never want to be with me, that I just somehow wasn't his type. All of that was complete bull because I was protecting myself. I can't use those lies anymore because I know that he'd be an amazing boyfriend and I'm quite obviously his type. I get butterflies when I get to see him. I get the weird heart racing, tingling sensation in my chest when he calls or texts. I can't help but look at pictures of us together and smile. I got it bad. Don't get me wrong... I'm not sitting here saying I'm in love or anything... it's just that, lately, he's all I seem to think about. All I want is to be in his arms...to feel safe and secure. I wonder if he ever thinks of me when we're apart.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!!!

This is quite possibly the best day of the year for me. I'm Irish, so it gives me a chance to show my Irish pride (as if I don't mention it any other day). Typically I'd go out drinking like a fish, although I haven't done that in a few years, since I had my kid actually. Tonight I'm not going out and going crazy or anything. 1- I have a test tonight, and 2 - I'm taking a very long trip early in the morning tomorrow and I do not feel like throwing up on the side of I-95 because my dumbass has a hangover. We also get corned beef & cabbage tonight! YUM!!!

On a side note... 5 years ago today I hooked up with my friend for the first time. I figured after 7 years it was about time to give in. I was definitely a challenge but he never once got upset or frustrated with me (at least he never showed it). Now, 5 years later (and 13 years into the friendship), we are closer then ever. I love it.

So tomorrow I'm heading up to Gainesville to spend time with some of my family up there. I had intended to bring L, but after all of my plans were made and whatnot my sis told me that her daughter's party is this Saturday. Crap. She said I didn't have to be there but that L did, so she said she'd watch her. I would have just cancelled my trip but one of my cousins is going through somewhat of a personal crisis and I just need to be there for him. We're like super close yet live 5 hours away. Sucks. So I get to pick up my rental at 8 tomorrow and hit the road. Stopping off in Melbourne to have lunch with my older sister and see my niece then trucking along until I hit G-ville. Fun times. :)

btw - I did my good deed for the day and donated blood. Then I got in an interesting conversation with a friend of mine that I shouldn't donate because they just sell the blood to the hospitals and the hospitals charge even more for it. Um... ok. How else do you think they pay their staff and for materials? They have to be bringing some money in. Then he's like, yeah well so&so (some high up person) just gave herself a raise and is making a crazy amount of money.... uh... I don't care. All I care about is that there's someone out there who's life could possibly be saved because they have my donated O+ blood. I can't concern myself with every corrupt/greedy SOB out there... it'd be way too much of a hassle. Serious buzzkill.

Ok, so I probably won't be on for a few days, but I'll blog again on Monday to talk about how the weekend went. =)

Good Night... :)

I was supposed to have a test yesterday for my Bio. Basics class. I'm not gonna lie, completely unprepared. Anyway, this teacher is always late...like at least 20 minutes late every single week. So we're all sitting around waiting for her or her TA to show up. The exam was supposed to begin at 4:20, by 4:50 we were still waiting. One of the girls said that her mother was an assistant dean at the main campus and her advice was to collect an attendance list of everyone that was in the classroom and if the professor wasn't there by 5, then everyone should leave and the list be brought to the dean with an explanation of what happened. So that's what we did. Three kids stayed behind and when the professor finally showed up she just told them that she'd send an email out to us and that they should go ahead and leave as well. She didn't send an email but she posted online and was like... "to those few students that stayed past 4:45 when I arrived...", um, excuse me? Ya didn't show up until after 5, so don't even try that with us. Apparently the TA was supposed to be there to give the exam but didn't show, which is odd because as I was walking to class I saw the TA chatting on her cellphone on campus...so...yeah. Anyway, test is now next week.

The night ended with me going out to a saloon to support my friend who was DJing. Of course, once again, I was out on the dance floor keeping it busy while he kept the place alive with his charming personality. So apparently whenever he'd go to the bar people would be like, "Omg, Sandy is so awesome!...She's amazing", etc. He's like, ok, what about me? lol  The owner thinks that I'm his partner so she asked for my help in getting the word out to college students so they got a younger crowd. I just think that it's wicked funny that people are loving me and all I'm doing is dancing like a fool. It's very good exercise, btw. Anyway, for anyone that's curious, I finally got a decent picture taken of me and my favorite guy...

And here's another one...just cuz I look so good in this one. :)

Don't we make such a cute couple? But alas...it's only friendship for now. In all honesty, I'm kinda terrified of becoming an actual couple because it could potentially mess the friendship up...but at the end of the day, he's the guy I want, just can't help it.

Long Night

No, it's not what most people would think - didn't go out and party last night. I was working on my car instead. Or more specifically, I was assisting my dad, who was working on my car. I didn't just stand around, I climbed, er, rolled under the car (really a freaky thing to know that your life is basically depending on the strength of the jacks supporting the car). We had to replace the belt tensioner and the serpentine belt. Both were a pain the the ass because of the location of everything. I'm seriously so lucky that my dad was willing to help fix it and didn't tell me to just take it to the shop; I can only imagine how much money I saved.

So here's my car - had to move some things out of the way to be able to get a good look at what was going on with it...

Here's what the belt tensioner is supposed to look like - new, out of the box...

Here's what mine looked like... Yeah, my dad wasn't sure which went first... if the bearings on the tensioner gave and that's how the serpentine belt got caught up in it, or if the serpentine belt started to shred, getting caught in the bearings, and that's what happened. Regardless, it needed to be replaced.

We started working on it around 5, took a break for dinner, and finished at some point after 10. My back really hurts from being hunched over the hood for so long and I really did end up covered in dirt and grease from head to toe. Walked in the bathroom and saw a streak across my forhead... no one even bothered to mention it to me... oh well, comes with the job, right? Just didn't sleep well and I'm completely exhausted.

So, now my car is running again, which is good since I have a test this afternoon and I didn't want to take someone else's car and run the risk of having campus security stick one of those nasty parking violation stickers on it since no one else has a parking decal for my university.  I'm about $90 down, but at least I have a vehicle again.