Just a little piece of advice...

If you want a comment to be posted on this site then do me a favor and add your name. I will not publish anonymous comments... especially those that bring up my child and my parenting skills. If you have something to say to me, man up and sign your name to it. Quit hiding behind the anonymity of the internet. And to be quite honest, I really don't give a flying fuck about your opinion anyway, anonymous commenter. I'd give my daughter to my parents and have myself committed before I put my daughter in any kind of danger, so seriously, you can just shut the fuck up. One video post about me feeling like shit does not make me a bad parent. If you noticed I said that I *wasn't* on any drugs. I've been sick and it's been making me lightheaded which throws me off a lot. I'm not some fucking crackhead that can't care for her own child. So again, anonymous comment leaver... fuck off.

K, thx, bye...

Update...

I have such an amazing dad. Seriously, so lucky that he knows enough about cars to be able to not only tell me what's wrong with my car, but to help me fix it too. The serpentine belt popped off this morning, which is not a good thing since it's the belt that kinda goes with everything. It didn't break, but he suggested I get a new one anyway since it looks kinda torn up and if it popped off once it'll probably do it again. So I'll be spending like $80 or something for it and hopefully I can help him with it tonight so I have my car for school tomorrow. I guess it's good that I've already decided that 'm going to rent a car for this weekend... a hybrid to save on gas for my trip. Cannot wait to see my family! I miss them so much!

well crap...

I've actually been feeling pretty good the past 2 days. Didn't get much sleep last night, but still woke up in a pretty good mood. Lo was happy, we had breakfast together, there was no fight about getting her ready for school. Looking good for a Monday. Get in the car, turn it on and POP! Battery light came on, wheel locked up... car's done for now. Ok, so back up plan... use the Fairlane (yeah, we have a sweet 1963 Ford Fairlane 500... thank goodness my dad recently did work on it so it runs fairly well). So yeah, drove the back-up car to work. Lo had to sit in the front seat with her carseat since there are no seatbelts in the back and there are no airbags in the front. Luckily her daycare is literally just down the street. She loved it, but I'm hoping my mom can either switch vehicles with me or pick her up this afternoon. The Fairlane is great...just no powersteering or power brakes (or ABS for that matter). No AC but dad installed a CD player. It's quite the workout to drive it, but it got me to work.

So now the big question remains... do I fix the Focus again (spent about $5000 last year rebuilding the transmission, engine, replacing the motor mounts, new battery, new brakes, the works), or do I suck it up and hope I can get enough money from the Focus to put a downpayment on a new (at least to me) car. My credit kinda sucks and I have like no money in savings (you try saving when you're a single mom making crap for money). Ugh! So frustrating! Plus I have 2 tests this week and if I park any car on campus without a parking decal they'll put one of those annoying stickers on the window. It would have been better if this happened last week, during my spring break, so I didn't have to worry about school.

Oh well... I've borrowed money against my 401k before to fic my car last time... I wonder if I can do that again even though I still owe some money. I mean, I'm borrowing my own money so... I dunno. Let's first see if it's an easy fix or not. Still gonna try to keep my head held high and not let it get to me that much.

Charlie Sheen Ain't Got Nothin on Me!

Best Intentions...

"Don't be so quick to judge me... you only see what I choose to show you."

I stepped out of the "public" for a while because I needed to kinda clear my head...figure out what I wanted without baseing those decisions on the thoughts and ideas of others. I just needed to be around people that have known me, in person, for a long time since they really are the only ones that can truly handle me. Don't get me wrong, some of the people that I've met online are amazing...they really are. They just don't know the real me; they only know the me that I allow them to see online.

I decided yesterday to go back and say hi since it's been a couple months. I have to say I was slightly surprised to know that my name was brought up the day before when people were talking about a cheating spouse or something like that. I don't know the whole backstory on why my name was brought up so I won't even pretend to understand it. I was just really bothered by it. Here I am, gone since last year, not around to defend myself, and my past is being brought up...making it seem like I'm nothing but a homewrecking whore that didn't deserve to badmouth a certain someone. Yeah, I was getting pissed and about to just log off and forget the site even existed until I saw that others came to my defense and set the record straight in my absence. For that I must thank them.

So I gave a short little speil about how I've been and did say that I've made a few mistakes... (I went through a period of being completely lost and I personally felt that I hit rock bottom.) I didn't really feel like going into too much detail because that always ends up causing problems, so I just directed people here if they were really interested. I know that some people are genuinely concerned about me, but the things that are going on are a lot more then what I post on here or what I will ever tell anyone. It got to the point where my best friends have been truly concerned for me. Yeah, school is becoming an issue, but that's because I've gone full time, nonstop, for the past few years. I just cannot do it anymore. I also am having some issues with the ex...him possibly violating probation (monetary and work issues, nothing with me personally), not being able to get him served with paperwork for child support, and of course my daughter asking more and more questions about him. Plus I'm trying to be there for my friends that need a shoulder to cry on and I'm trying to help out a family member that is going through an incredibly stressful situation. Add onto that that I've suffered with depression since I was a teenager...well let's just say it's been tough.

People have been giving me advice, and I truly do appreciate the good intentions...but what I've basically been told is to just concentrate on Lo and school and back off on the guy and going out. Honestly... I don't go out that much (compared to how I was before). Yeah, the past month I went out every Saturday night for karaoke, but that's not too bad. I grab a bite to eat with friends after class during the week...heck, I'm entitled to eat and it's not guaranteed that there will be leftovers waiting for me at home. And with the guy... he's not just any guy. He's so incredibly important to me. I've known him for half my life and, well... he's always been "that guy" to me. Right now we're at the point where us being together is a real possiblity. We're getting to know one another on a completely different level, trying to make sure that if we do give this a try that it'll work and be solid and not just a fling kind of thing. He makes me happy. He keeps me grounded. On top of all that, he's truly amazing with my daughter. And before anyone starts in on me about having him meet her... like I said before, I've known him half my life. He's a family friend. He's met her plenty of times before and if things don't work out with us then at least I know that he will still be in my life and won't just disappear.

Basically, although I do appreciate the advice that I've been given, at the end of the day it comes down to what I feel is best for me since I am the one that must live with it every day. I already decided that I'm taking a break from school, at least for the summer semester. I don't need to work myself that hard all the time. I want to be able to spend more time with my daughter without the stress of having to worry about an exam. The guy is gonna stay in my life, at least as long as he'd like to, which I'm hoping is a while. It's different with him... I can't really explain it. And no, I'm not sitting here saying that I am in love with him (take a lot for me to fall in love with someone... especially after J), but I do love him as a friend; have for years. He knows there's little that I won't do for him and I know the feeling is mutual. So me pushing him aside or whatever...that'd only cause me more stress. I have a solid foundation right now and I'm getting better every day. I'm just trying to take things one day at a time and not let my inner demons destroy me.

So yeah... I guess that's it. I didn't feel like responding personally to everyone and I didn't feel like putting this on the other site. Those that really care know about this blog and will check... those that don't read this or know about it really aren't in a position to give me advice anyway, and I'm trying to keep things more private anyway. I found that I used to just put everything out there and that's about as healthy as keeping everything inside. It's all about balance... within myself, the world around me... everything. I'm working hard to find that balance. I just need some time.

"Sometimes we have to be broken down so that we can be rebuilt into what we're actually meant to be."

Gettin' Too Old For This Crap...

Went out last night to this bar. A good friend of mine was DJing for the first night there and I wanted to be supportive. So got there around 9, sat at the bar and ordered a drink. He got there around 9:30 and when he walked in I was over by the jukebox with some other guy that wanted me to show him how it worked. Um...ok. Spend money on music when the DJ is about to start. Whatever. Anyway, I was there to be supportive, like I said. I wanted to make sure the owners saw that having a DJ was a good idea, so I made sure there was someone on the dance floor all night. That someone happened to be me with whomever I was able to pull out there with me. It was crazy, I was pretty trashed (stopped drinking alcohol around 10:30 then switched to a lot of water). Close to 1 I had to stop because I messed up my knee pretty bad. Couldn't show it though, had to put on a strong front. So we left around 1:30ish, after he packed everything up. Went back to his place, initially to drop off his car so I could take him to get his bike. Ended up passing out on the bed instead for a bit. He got to stay sleeping, I had to get up and head home. I was so exhausted!

So this morning I wake up late and step out of bed...my legs felt like I had just run a marathon. Well, 3+ hrs of non-stop dancing is comparable to a marathon, right? Then I look at my phone...wow. I didn't text anyone anything really bad, but I couldn't even interpret my texts. I mean, was I really that bad? Ugh...just feeling like crap today (more in pain then from any hangover). Wanna go home and sleep, but gotta tough it out and stay here at work. The things I endure to help support my "ex" (but that's a story for another blog). lol

25 to Life

I’m starting to lose my mind again. Just can’t handle this anymore. So tired of being used and taken advantage of. I just wish I could turn off all feelings… that I could just stop caring about people because the people that I bend over backwards for, the ones I drop everything to be there for, aren’t there for me when I need them. Just can’t handle it again. I’m seriously losing my grip on reality. I’m back to the same place I was years ago, and that’s a very scary and dangerous place to be. I’m ruining my entire life. I’m not gonna be able to apply for any police job because of things I’ve done recently. I’m failing all of my classes. Yeah, the girl that has been getting A’s and on the Dean’s list is failing every class. I can’t apply next semester… I’m fairly certain that I lost my grants. I don’t even care. I don’t wanna do it anymore. Don’t wanna do anything anymore. Just so done with everyone and everything. Happiness is just a dream, and a dumb one at that.

They say that God has a plan for everyone. I think I’m starting to understand mine. Maybe my purpose isn’t to live happily ever after, but maybe mine is to help others get there. I mean, “Sandra” does mean “helper of mankind”. I help people. It’s just what I do. The unfortunate thing is that I often help others to the detriment of my own well being. I put myself last. I often ignore my own feelings, but that’s because it’s too painful to deal with them. I have to keep myself distracted, otherwise I’ll become too overwhelmed with all the emotions. It sucks. It’s hard. I’m hurting so bad but I can’t admit it. There’s no one that I can really open up to because I know so much that no one else can know and it’s eating me up inside. So who can I turn to? The one that hurt me? Or do I betray that person’s trust so that I can turn to others? I can’t do that. I could never betray someone like that; it’s just not me. I can never hurt someone, regardless of how many times they’ve hurt me… betrayed me… turned their back on me… it sucks. I hate trying to be strong when all I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry. I hate having to always suck it up, but it’s all I can do… showing anyone weakness is never an option. They’ll just use it against me… everyone does.