Video Blog - Will it Work?

Gonna try something new... hope it works...

Do You Believe in Ghosts????

There are rumors that the Biltmore Hotel in Coral Gables, Fl is haunted. They say that one of Al Capone's gangster friends, Thomas J. "Fatty" Walsh, was murdered in the 13th Floor Tower Suite on March 2, 1929.

I just ignored those rumors until... today. My parents were staying there this past weekend for my mom's birthday, and - as usual - my mom sent us pictures. One of them was a pic of my dad, that was rather interesting.
Do you see it? The nice skelator apparition in the background? First time I saw it I thought it was a joke, that maybe the room had some special effects that made it look like there was a ghost in the room.


After texting my mom she said that she didn't even see that, that it was really odd, and she was going to look through the other pictures to see how they were. Lo and behold, she found another one... Kinda trippy, right? My mom certainly freaked out.

So - what do you think - is this Thomas J. "Fatty" Walsh, haunting my dad (who is also named Thomas... interesting) - or is this just an interesting photo effect from the iPhone?

New Beginnings

My sweet little angel is leaving the two-year old room and heading over to the big threes, skipping the younger three year old room. She starts her new class on Monday. I went to her open house last night to meet her new teacher, see the class, and whatnot. I love her teacher. She's been working there since Lo started, and she's seen Lo go from having her dark brown/black rocker-style hair that stood straight up to her now California blonde look. Lo knows her and loves her so it should be a good transition.

There will be a few things that are different. 1 - no more sippie cups. She can bring in water bottles, juice boxes, capri suns or whatever, but no more sippie cups. 2 - although they will still play, it won't be all fun and games. Ms. Jen said that the first day of class they learn to trace their names. This class is big on learning and prepping the kids for VPK (voluntary pre-kindergarten). So Lo will learn to write her letters, numbers, draw shapes, and she'll know the months and whatnot. Excited about it. Also, in September they have a karate instructor come in and give all the kids a free class. Then I can sign her up and she'll have karate classes on Fridays during school. Of course, the parents are invited to come and watch the changing of the belts and that ceremony where the kids break the wood or whatever. So excited about that.

Last weekend I took Lo to my sister's and we had a little photoshoot on the beach. It was a "mess the dress" kind of thing. Lo was growing out of her flowergirl dress so we were just having fun, and the pictures look amazing!

Keeping Busy

"Just because you're single doesn't mean you aren't good enough for anyone, it means no one is good enough for you"

I like that. It's a feel good type quote, even if it's not always true.

So one of my friends got engaged; she announced it yesterday. I'm super happy for her, I really am. Just gets me thinking, dang, this will be her second marriage and I'm still completely single. wth? :) Really though, she deserves this, the chance to be happy with someone you love. It's great.

My younger sister keeps talking about getting married. Her boyfriend finishes a special computer class soon and then could (or is) get/getting a pretty kick ass job that means big bucks. If/when this happens I know he's going to pop the question. And of course, I'll be super excited for her, but still feel bitter.

You know, this is seriously the longest I've ever been single since I started dating at 16. I always went from one boyfriend to another. Even at other times when I was officially single for a while, still had the guys there that were like boyfriends without the title. Now I don't even have that. I mean, I could, I'm just choosing not to. Trying that whole self-respect thing.

I'm sure when school starts up again I'll be so busy that I won't be able to think about any of it, so I can't wait. In addition to school I'm trying other things to keep me busy. Lo and I have been walking a lot, traveling to visit family, going to parks. We have the 2-year passports to Sea World, and we're going up in a couple weeks with my uncle and cousin and I'm going to try the shark encounter. Tomorrow we're going to the Keys, gonna go on a glass bottom boat, hang out by the water, have a picnic. Not just me and Lo, but my parents, younger sister and her daughter. Should be fun. Sunday Lo is going to be able to help me with my bake-a-thon. Just in the mood to get in the kitchen and bake, even though I'm not big on sweets. Next weekend we head up to my older sister's house and we're going to do kinda a "wreck the dress" photo shoot at the beach with Lo's flower girl dress. Gotta get some use out of it before it stops fitting her.

Really do have a lot planned to keep my mind busy, so throughout the day I'm good. It's at night, when it's just me lying in bed alone, that really sucks.

The Sound of Silence...

Still a bit frustrated. After all that talk about wanting to be in a real, serious relationship now I’m getting the silent treatment again. Just don’t get it. Luckily I didn’t take what he said too much to heart. Kinda have a very hard time trusting anyone these days, especially guys. Really sucks. I mean, I know I’m an awesome girlfriend. I spoil the hell out of the people I’m with, do whatever I can to make sure they’re happy. I listen, give advice when asked, I don’t give them the 3rd degree if they’re out, I let them have their own lives and don’t think that it needs to be about me 24/7. Still, nothing ever seems to work out for me. I’m smart, attractive, funny, talented, motivated… the whole nine. Still, nothing. I know, I know – I shouldn’t try to force anything, when it’s meant to be it’ll happen. I just feel like I’m always an after thought, like a last resort for guys. I know it’s partially my fault, but that doesn’t make it any easier. I’ve been standing up for myself, being more assertive and letting certain people know that I’m not just a booty call. Makes me feel like I’m not good enough, which is totally stupid. Whatever, their loss. Guys shouldn’t be a concern of mine anyways, I should be 100% focused on my child and my education.

Reason #257 for why you should never confess your feelings...

So Deputy finally decided to text me today. I kinda tore him a new one and he said he was so sorry. Apparently his f-buddy was super jealous of me so that’s why he didn’t respond to my other texts, and yeah, he was with her when he stood me up. So going back and forth about how I’ll never make plans with him and I feel so stupid for telling him how I feel, that I can’t believe he allowed her to disrespect me then took her home to eff her (which he said he didn’t since she was so drunk). After all of that he’s like, well can I come over, I told him no, wasn’t going to allow myself to be disappointed again and didn’t want to see him if he was still screwing someone that disrespected me and our friendship. He’s like, well do u think I’d still eff her if I was coming over? Um, yes. Then he’s like, do u think I’d really do that if we were serious? I said probably and he told me he’d never do that, so I told him flat out that if that’s what he wanted then he should’ve gone on the date instead of standing me up to be able to screw her, and the fact that he’s spent the past week doing so doesn’t bode very well for him. What an effing idiot.

Then, he was like, well I didn’t think the “date” was that serious. I’m like, "uh, told you I was in love with you, we planned to do dinner and a movie (his idea), I said, “so it’s a date”, you replied, “that it is” "– wtf part of that is 1) not serious, and 2) deserving of the quotes around date? He just frustrates me so much, and now, once again, not getting a reply. He’s probably back to boffing the new girl. Whatever.

Done With Emotions

Work Hottie wants to sleep with me. Nothing new, we go back and forth with this a lot. This time it’s different. This time it wasn’t just a drunken text-fest, it was more of a conversation about some “afternoon delight” this week, with both of us being stone cold sober. I heard he split from his gf, maybe that’s why he seems more serious about it now. This is something I’ve wanted for four years, so it’d be freaking sweet if it actually happened. I just also think it’d be nice to actually have something other than physical contact. It hit me the other day that the reason I’ve been so nonchalant about that is because I’m so afraid of getting hurt. Hooking up with unavailable guys/guys that I know I wouldn’t date seems safe to me. It is what it is and nothing more. I’m just afraid of being in another relationship and having it fail.

The other day I messed up big time. I was talking to my ex, the deputy, and confessed my feelings (in my defense, I thought he already knew). He was talking about his new f-buddy and I made a comment about him getting me jealous. Then I told him that I really do love him, that I never wanted us to split and that I always thought we’d get back together. He said he didn’t know and that he felt stupid for not knowing. Then we made plans to go out Friday night, dinner and a movie, an actual date. I was pretty stoked about it.

So later that night (Wednesday), I sent him a text saying good night. He said he was going to the casino with some guys from work so I said, “drive safe if you’re at the casino and wrap it up if you’re with your new girlfriend”, just a little joke. Then I get this text back, “I’m not his new gf why don’t you come over and say hello”, I said I couldn’t, but told them to enjoy the night, to which she replied, “We will, don’t worry. To bad u can’t join us”. Then I got three calls from a blocked number, right after that.

I was so hurt. I mean, to have her text back is one thing, to have her call me is completely different. Then I got his text which just made things worse, “Oooo u texted while the new chick was around bad Sandy! Lol ill talk to u tomorrow do not answer this text! Have a good night! :)” So that irked me, but I didn’t reply until the next morning. Then I sent him this, “1) u said u were going out w/ the guys from work, not new chick. Had I have known I wouldn’t have texted. 2) Really? The day you find out how I feel u allow her to text and call me? That is just so disrespectful. 3) how is this my bad? I can’t believe u didn’t even think to apologize. 4) I really shouldn’t be surprised. It never ceases to amaze me how cruel and clueless some people can be”. No comment from him.

Later that night I sent him another text to see if we were still on for Friday – trying to ignore the previous night and give him a pass since I knew he’d been drinking. No reply. Friday night comes and goes and he never called, texted, just a complete no show. Kinda made me glad I didn’t bother getting a sitter. Still, it hurt me a lot. I mean, this was the guy that I told everything to, the person that’s supposed to be my best friend, and he just treated me like garbage. Normally I’d be concerned that he got hurt at work, but I know he’s on vacation for a few weeks. I’m so done with being hurt. I just really can’t handle it anymore. That’s kinda why I’m really considering the afternoon delight with WH; just do my thing and leave emotions out of it.

RIP Great-Grandma - you'll be missed more than you know...

Happiness dolls; they’re nothing more than yarn folded and crocheted together to make a doll not much bigger than a quarter. The girls had dresses, the boys wore overalls. The clothes were all different colors, sometimes made to match the time of year – red and green for Christmas, orange and black for Halloween, green and silver for St. Patrick’s Day. They weren’t anything major, but they were special. My great-grandmother used to make them for her children. She didn’t have much money, so it was a way for her kids to have toys. I got my first one when I was very young. I remember playing with them as most girls did Barbie’s. My grandmother would visit great-grandma and come home with a shoebox filled with them. It was so exciting to see the different dresses, and even more exciting when I saw that great-grandma had put safety pins in the back of some; I could wear my happiness doll to school!

I remember the first time I met my great-grandmother. We took a trip up to Alabama in my grandmother’s RV for Thanksgiving. It was the first time my sisters and I had been away from our parents on that holiday, but I was so excited to meet the creator of the happiness dolls that it didn’t matter to me. When we pulled into her house I was shocked to see a 70+ year old woman running around her house playing with her dog, Trixie. She was so full of life it brought this crazy energy to everyone around her. Her house was amazing to me. It was full of all sorts of toys and goodies, gifts that she received, packages she got in the mail that have never been opened. She told us to go into a room that was filled floor to ceiling with boxes and said we could have whatever we wanted. It was like Christmas. Of course, years later I’d come to realize that most people would consider her a hoarder, but that didn’t occur to me at that point. All that mattered was that I could have whatever I wanted.

My sisters didn’t seem to connect with my great-grandmother too much. Perhaps it was their ages; my older sister couldn’t be bothered and my younger sister was probably uncomfortable with someone new; but I got attached right away. I remember sitting with her in her bed while she taught me how to knit. It was so exciting to learn something new like that – my grandmother didn’t even know how to knit! It was a skill that I knew none of my friends had, and I felt special. My great-grandmother and I bonded and when we had to leave I remember staring out the window in the back of the RV, crying my eyes out. Sadly, that was the first and last time that I saw her.

My mother’s family is incredibly close. We make a point to have a family get-together every year. My father’s family isn’t as close. I used to beg to have my parents take us up to see great-grandma again, but they could never be bothered with it. I was always told that maybe we could go next summer. So through my grandmother I’d write letters, and when great-grandma became familiar with the technology, emails. We’d send pictures and talk on the phone. We never lost that bond. I, unfortunately, did lose the ability to knit. It’s more difficult that one would think, and if you don’t use that skill every day you can and will lose it. Since my grandmother didn’t know how to knit I asked when I’d be able to go back up and see great-grandma. Again, I was told later.

Later. I’m so sick of that word. “I’ll call them later; I’ll write later, I’ll try to make it out there later. I’m just too busy right now.” Too busy doing what? Too busy watching the latest episode of American Idol to pick up a phone? Wouldn’t want to miss that zinger that Simon says. Too busy planning trips to Disney because seeing a relative would be too boring for your children. No, they need to have someone in a mouse costume entertain them. Can you imagine subjecting your children to the stories of an old war veteran? Heaven forbid you miss out on eating at the latest posh restaurant because you went to visit your crotchety old relative. Ever wonder why they’re so miserable? Here’s a hint – lonely people aren’t happy. Maybe we as a society should stop being so self involved and start thinking of others. Quit acting as though once someone hits 50 they’re no good to you, because guess what – one day (God willing), you’ll be 50. Don’t you want your children and grandchildren to come visit you? Chances are they won’t. Why would they when the new Twilight movie just came out? They’ll stop by later. “Cat’s in the Cradle” anyone?

So what happens when later ceases to exist? When the person you’ve been putting off seeing is suddenly gone? Was living your life in a selfish bubble worth it? Life is so short and so fragile and once someone’s gone, that’s it, they’re gone. There are no “do-over’s” in life, so if you want to live your life to the fullest and you want to have no regrets when you’re knocking on death’s door then you better figure out where your priorities are and get them in order. You think beating the newest Halo is more important than a living, breathing human being? How sad. You want to get your character to the highest level in WoW, spend hours upon hours sitting in front of a computer like a mindless zombie – will the other elves be there to say a eulogy at your funeral? Is it worth it to get to level 80?

Life is so short that you cannot afford to take it for granted or you’ll end up sitting at work, kicking yourself, with thoughts of “I should’ve” running through your head. My daughter will never know her paternal grandmother because we said that we’d bring her to visit, you guessed it, later. Bobbie was dead before we had a chance to. She was so excited to finally have a granddaughter, and yet she never had the chance to meet her. Lorelai will never get to know the wonderful person that my great-grandmother was. She’ll never fully understand the love that was behind each and every happiness doll. I lost someone very near and dear to my heart and I never got the chance to say good-bye because I fell into the trap of, “later”.

Why put things off until tomorrow what you can do today? Very cliché, I know, but also very true. We make plans and then don’t follow through. We promise to call but never do. We say we love but don’t show it. Of course, my personal favorite, we make back-up plans for our future, just in case, so that we don’t die alone. In my opinion if you’re willing to spend the rest of your life with someone then why wait until a certain age to do it? Why put off something that could be so great? I’ll just never understand it.

In the end I think that we all should embrace each day and love your family and friends like there’s no tomorrow, because before you know it, there won’t be.

Keep On...

Everybody knows or has a story about the first one, who taught 'em how to hurt, lead their hopes astray. When it's gone on quite enough and you're sick of staying down, I know what you need, gotta live it like it sounds. When you lose what you love, live on, live on. When the road gets too rough, be strong, be strong. What you can't understand, but you're starting to see, it'll work in the end. You just got to believe, and keep on, keep on.

I had my ideals. A plan so cut and dry. I wouldn't settle for a thing. You can forget all compromise, but I was tackled like a wave, got stomped on like the ground. Once we'll never change we're slowly turning round. Couse when you lose what you love, live on, live on. When the road gets too rough, be strong, be strong. What you can't understand, but you're starting to see, it'll work in the end. You just got to believe, and keep on, keep on.

Yeah, you can take it from me, there's so much you can be and it's all gonna change whether it's you or them or me. When you lose what you love, live on, live on. When the road gets too rough, just be strong, be strong. And when you can't understand, but you're starting to see, it'll work in the end. You just got to believe, keep on, keep on.

~ Tyler Hilton ~

It's been over a week. Just trying to be strong and keep on. Everything happens for a reason, right?

Partying in Gainesville

So this past weekend I decided to take a trip up to Gainesville to spend some time with my family. Lo stayed with my grandmother so I could have some adult fun. After driving almost 6 hours in the rain, I finally got up there. I met up with my aunt, uncle, his wife, and my cousin and had a pretty decent meal at a local restaurant. Home made creamed corn - YUM!

After that my cousin and I dropped my car off at his place and headed out to the bowling alley - Alley Katz. His friend was bartending there and it turns out that they also had karaoke. I happen to be the queen of karaoke - I love being center stage, singing my heart out. It's fun. There weren't too many people there so it was pretty instantaneous with putting your name in and going up and singing. The problem was that they didn't use CD's, they just used the computer, so the music and the lyrics on the screen were off, like big time. If you didn't know all the words to the song you were screwed. So I was kinda screwed the first song, but after that I learned.

Since my cousin's friend was the bartender we had the hook up. We had a few shots and a lot of whiskey sours. Yeah, a lot. Normally I'm fine with drinking them because I spoil myself with Jack Daniels, this was the well liquor, so it hit me hard. We left around 2 and I almost got sick on the drive home. My cousin put in The Hangover and we attempted to watch it. I passed out and woke up around 4:30, freezing, so I climbed in bed.

We were supposed to go to Gatornationals on Saturday morning with the rest of the family (for those that don't know, Gatornationals is a drag racing thing). We tried to get up, we really did. I made it from the bed to the floor, he made it from the couch to the bed, and we stayed there until about noon. Then he decided that we should try to eat something, so he made pizza. I went in the living room, had a sip of water, and there was the creamed corn again! Oh, fun times. After that I just decided to sit perfectly still, I mean, it was the worst hangover I'd had in years. I ended up falling asleep on the couch and he woke me up around 3:30 so I could get ready for my other cousin's 1st birthday party. By that time I was feeling so much better.

Got in the shower, and apparently as soon as I got in there my cousin started to feel sick so he had to go outside (like I said, we had a lot to drink the night before). We headed out to my cousin's place and had a pretty good time at the party. Unfortunately for me, the party was outside, up north. It was cold and windy. Where was my sweater? At my cousin's house. Fun times. :)

After the party we went to another cousin's house to play Catchphrase and Scene-It Sports. We all had a blast. Left around 11, watched SNL (Jude Law was hosting, <3). Woke up around 10 (9 normal time, stupid daylight savings), and headed home. The ride back wasn't too bad since there was no rain. I just forgot how far Gainesville was from Ft. Lauderdale.

This weekend it's Orlando with the girls, the following it's Melbourne to help my sister stock her freezer with food for when the baby arrives (14 more days!). At some point I'd like to head back to Okeechobee since the firefighter said he wants to see me. Not sure if it'd be worth it though. We shall see.

Baby Shower

Gonna make this short and sweet since I'm exhausted and I have a killer headache. Baby shower went extremely well. Started baking the cakes Thursday. Headed up north on Friday and stayed up until 2:30 completing the cakes. Up again at 7 to finish the rest of the food - sandwiches and wraps. I don't know why I was up that early, my alarm was set for 8:30, but I guess my body wanted to get everything done. I made it through the party ok, but towards the end I sat down to put L's shoes on and fell asleep sitting up. I woke up to see people staring at me, asking if I was praying. Um... oops. Saturday night L decided that she wanted to wake up what felt like every other minute to cry so I got no sleep that night. Last night I couldn't fall asleep and when I did I woke up at 3:30 then had a dream that I had a killer migraine only to wake up with one. I'm beat. Completely exhausted and I have work and then class until 10 tonight. It's ok though, I'll manage. That's what energy drinks are made for.

Happiness...

I had my little date last night. It was nice. We met up around 8:30, a little later than planned but he apologized and explained that he had a lot of parents that wanted to talk about their kid's progress, as usual. No biggie for me, I was just chillin anyways. So we met up at a wing joint, sat at the bar and had a few drinks. I ended up getting mine free (even though he was going to pay for them) because the bartender kept forgetting to get them for me. We had a nice conversation, it was very easy, which was cool.

We left around 10 since I had to get home, and we had a nice kiss goodnight. :) He's like, call me, ok? and then told me that he was going out tomorrow night, just in case, or whatever. I obviously can't go out because I have class and L, but it was kinda cute. He like stammered a bit. Not used to that with a guy.

He's just such a geniune person, I've known that for years, which is why we were able to maintain a friendship. I just never thought he'd actually be interested in me, thus the reason I convinced myself that he wasn't boyfriend material, but he is, and it's cool. I went to bed with a smile on my face and I haven't stopped smiling since. It's nice. I'm not going to get ahead of myself like I normally do, I'm just going to take things one day at a time and enjoy them. I already know that hanging out on the weekends isn't going to happen since he has gigs every weekend until June or July, which is great for him, and I am busy most weekends, so at least we're on the same page there. I'm fine with hanging out during the week, there's something kinda intimate about that. :)

Who pissed in your cornflakes?

I’m just going to ignore the haters out there. I know that I’m a great mother and a great role model. I work my ass off so that my daughter can have a good life. I do not break down in front of her. I do not lose my temper, argue, or even insult her father (or allow others to insult him) in front of her. I give her everything that she needs and I have no problem saying no when she wants something she doesn’t need. I don’t give in to her demands simply because she demands it. I also know that I don’t have to justify my friendships to anyone. It is my life and I know what is best for me. I am not in any danger, I know exactly what it is that I want in my life, and that is what I’m working on. The people that are in my life are there for a reason and no one has any right to question that, nor do they have a right to say that an amazing person, who just happens to not be boyfriend material, is toxic simply because things didn’t work out the way I had hoped. Those in my life that were toxic to my daughter and me are no longer in our lives. If people want to talk about me, that’s fine, I really don’t care. I just need for people to leave my daughter and my parenting out of it.

Not this again...

A few years ago my cousin got married to a bitch that is lucky her ass isn't in South Florida, since I'd beat it if I ever saw her. They have since split (thus the wanting to beat her comment). Anywho - the DJ at that wedding happened to be my friend and there was a bit of kissing that night going on between the two of us. Just kissing, nothing more. Well, apparently one of the workers there happened to know J, and he decided to fill him in on the fact that I was kissing another man. J got pissed, tracked me down at breakfast the next morning (where I was eating with my family), took me outside and smacked me around a bit for kissing someone else. Here's the kicker - we were not dating at that point. No, he was living with his wife and we weren't together. I don't know, maybe he felt that since we had a child together that he somehow owned me. It was fucked up, but a busted lip to make out with my hot friend (whom I've been crushing on since 9th grade) - worth it.

Fast forward a few years. J is out of my life and I am (not-so) happily single. C and I are splitsville, have been like that for almost a year, and he's talking about hittin some strange, just for fun. Another wedding comes up, once again my friend is the DJ (I suggested to the couple that they hire him). He ends up staying with me that night and fun things happen. Good times.

I'm an honest person, I just have an incredibly difficult time lieing to or deceiving anyone, especially someone I care about. So was I honest with C? Of course. I didn't think he'd actually be hurt by it. I mean, this is the guy who told me flat out that he feels nothing more than friendship towards me. The guy that dumped me and had the fucking audacity to be chatting up another chick when I was sitting right next to him. He made it painfully obvious that we would never be a couple, so how the fuck could he possibly be hurt by my actions? Apparently he was, based off of a post left on my FB wall. Yes, my actions were 100% justifiable, but somehow it still inflicted damage.

Well God damnit! I wasn't trying to be vindictive, I was just trying to have some fun with a good friend! I am not a vindictive person, in fact I end up feeling horrible if I have caused anyone any type of emotional distress, and the really shitty part is that C knows this. Maybe he's being the vindictive one and trying to make me feel bad for sleeping with S. Well, I won't, ok. I am single, 100% unattached. If you don't want me to sleep with anyone else then you need to get your shit together and let me know what the fuck is going on. I'm not getting any younger, and I don't want to end up alone. Now, I'm not sitting here saying that S and I are going to ride off into the sunset together and live happily ever after - with him it's just sex - but come on, I will find someone; I can't sit at home, twiddling my thumbs hoping that one day you'll open your eyes and see what an amazing person and great catch I am. It's not fair to me. I deserve so much more than that.

Yes, with C the sex is absolutely amazing at times, but it's not worth me being alone and unhappy. I want to get married one day, preferably before I'm 30. It's not fair to put my life on hold because some azzhat can't handle commitment. So don't bitch and don't tell me that you're hurt because of what I do. You dumped me, remember?

Out with the old...

My cousin got married this past Saturday. I was the bridesmaid and L was the flower girl. She ended up having a meltdown as I expected. Anyway, it was pretty fun. So... My cousins were ragging on me because my friend, S (the DJ) was going to be crashing with me Saturday night. The groom kept making comments, "L, they're just wrassling". Um, yeah, wouldn't do that with my kid in the room. Good news though, guess where L ended up staying that night... that's right, with the grandparents!!!

After the wedding a group of us ended up going to Duffy's for some more drinks. Of course, I got to hear more fun comments from the cousins about the two of us bunking together. Yeah, we're a pretty close family like that. They were even nice enough to walk by and bang against the hotel room door while we were in there. So, yes, I had some fun that night. Now, this wasn't the first time we've done that before, it's like an annual event. He was pretty funny though, he's like - normally I just wanna get in bed and get busy, but I enjoy kissing you and holding you. How sweet, right? We had a great time, lots of laughs. I could barely walk this morning, and I've got some fun bruises - yeah, kinda got a bit rough. But that's just how we roll.

Since the both of us are single now, we decided that we need to do that more often and we should try it sober. lol. It's always a good time with him. Might be going to see him working the club some weekend - maybe this weekend if I can get my grandmother to watch L for the weekend. It's too bad that he's not boyfriend material because we happen to have a lot of fun together when we meet up. So, yeah. Fun times this weekend. So happy he's single now so I have my booty call back. :) btw - he's the hottie with the mic...

Just my luck...

I was a bad girl tonight. Instead of going to class, like I sould have, I decided to play hookie and go to the mall. Yes, I know, bad Roo! Ok, I'll take my beatings later - please... :) Anyways... So I went to the mall and didn't really find anything worth buying, clothing wise. I did happen to find some pretty kick ass accessories, including an Alice In Wonderland Hat - Off With Her HEAD!!! Yes, I am super psyched about the new movie coming out at the end of... March, I believe. I have it on my calendar at work, but I can't really remember when it comes out right now. Regardless, I cannot wait to see it. Anything with Johnny Depp and I'm all about it. Ok, so I kinda went off on a tangent there. Went to the mall, bought a few things, and then decided to go to the Billiard Club for a drink and some food. It's been one hell of a day and I needed something quite strong. Whiskey Sour it is - with my main man, Jack. Point being, I looked around the parking lot before I walked in and I see that it's all clear. As soon as I fucking walk in, the pcysho weirdo dude comes in behind me. Just my fucking luck, right? And, to make things better, the bar is somewhat full so he's sitting like 2 seats from me. Luckily he hasn't said anything at all, and I've got my fabulously kick ass Alice in Wonderland hat on, so I'm totally avoiding any eye contact. Oh, and I decided to put my ring on - the "engagement" ring that I got from J. Yes, I still wear it at times because it's really pretty and he bought it for me when things were not violent. No, it's not really an engagement ring, thus the quotation marks, but the only finger it fits is the ring finger of my left hand, and it's pink diamonds, so it works when I need it to. Ok, now to finish my Whiskey Sour and comment on the latest drama going on in my man E's life. :)

Oh Tyler, how I love thee...

If you haven't heard of Tyler Hilton, then you're missing out. If you're a fan of One Tree Hill - he played Chris Keller. He was a jackass on the show, but oh..my...God! His music is absolutely amazing! He is incredibly attractive, and I just want him! I think he also played Elvis in "Walk the Line". I saw him in concert one time. He only plays in small clubs, so he was right there. I could've touched him if I was so inclined. I could be in the world's worst mood and all I need is to listen to his music and I'm happy again. He needs to come back to town for a concert so I can see him again. He's just amazing. :)

Just thought I'd share. If anyone's interested - www.tylerhilton.com- he's really worth checking out. :)

Testing... 1..2..3

Social psych test on Monday. I got a recorder for Christmas and I've been recording the lectures and been listening to them non-stop for the past week or so. I kinda love it because it's my favorite class. Been reviewing the notes, retyping them and whatnot. I'm actually reading the chapters, though I'm not quite done with them. If I get out of class early tonight and tomorrow then I'm heading to Starbucks or something to finish the readings. Of course, while I'm getting my hair and whatnot done for the weekend I'll be listening to the lectures again. I know that Steve's tests are uber hard (though I got a B in my Cognition class last semester) - I really want to do well, so I'm studying my ass off.

I'm off on Friday for the wedding. Getting my nails done Friday morning, then picking up the munchkin and heading up to St. Lucie for the rehearsal Friday night. Then the wedding is Saturday! Yay! To give you a heads up on how long this has been in the works - I was pregnant at my cousin's engagement party... L is about to turn 3. Yeah, it was a long engagement.

I was talking to the DJ last night - an old friend of mine from High School - and he's going to be bunking with me at the wedding. Giggity. :) Ok, so I'm not saying that we're going to be having hot, wild, monkey sex all night; L will be in the room as well. I just think it'd be nice to cuddle with someone at night. Oh, yeah, and he made it a point to let me know that he's single, after he verified that I was single. He's not boyfriend material for me, but he sure as hell can be a good distraction. :)

Run, Forrest, Run!!!

My sister is so funny. I posted on FB yesterday that I couldn't join FAU's runners club because it was at a different campus on a night that I have classes. I was being completely sarcastic, since I'm not a runner, but it was lost on everyone. This lead to her commenting that she can start running again in 86 days! She said that I should start running now so that I'm in shape enough to keep up with her when she starts back up after the baby is born. I said it sounded great, and then she suggested that I run a half marathon with her the Sunday after Thanksgiving. I said I'd do it.

So my wonderfully kind sis sent me a training schedule so that I could be fully prepared for November. I looked at it and it starts off with a 6 mile run. Um... I can barely run down my street without getting winded. Yeah, at one point I was going to the gym every day and I was in amazing shape and could run a mile easy, but it's been a few months since then. Ok, it's been a little over a year. So I think I'm going to put that off for a while and work my way up to it. Start out by - hopefully - running around the block in the morning, before L wakes up. There's a 5K on Valentine's day that I think I'll do - not like I have any romantic plans for that day, but I'm not bitter. I can do it, I know I can.

Once I do this it'll be another thing I can check off of my bucket list, and heck, if I enjoy it I might shoot for the full marathon next year. Ya never know. It's about time I got my lazy ass back in shape.

It's cheaper than a new car...

I put my car in the shop this weekend since it's been acting goofy for a while. It stalls for no reason, starts smoking without overheating, and shakes like you wouldn't believe. I'll admit it, I've been very neglectful towards my 7 year old baby. Since I got my grant money in, I figured I'd just get everything worked on so it'd be safer to drive. I, naively, thought that I'd drop a couple hundred bucks and it'd be all good. Well a couple hundred turned into $1300+, with an additional $700 in work still to be done.

There were so many things wrong with my baby. My oil pan had a leak in it and the gasket was worn (explains the puddle I saw in the driveway), so I was almost out of oil. My idle air control valve was shot, which explains why it would stall out on me. My PCV hose was shredded. The guy called me up and told me this and gave me the price and I told him to go ahead and do that and I'll have to wait on the $300 tune-up. He called back and said that the manager really thinks I should get the tune-up, so they'll charge me $150 instead. Of course I said go for it, can't pass up a deal like that. So I also went ahead and for that done - new wires spark plugs, the whole nine. Oh yeah, I also got new wipers and my tires aligned (I have the free lifetime alignment). My car runs more smoothly, but still shakes...

So when I went to pick the car up, Jared told me that there is a small leak in my thermostat. Nothing to be overly concerned with now, but I will need to get it replaced eventually. Since I was already going to make an appointment after my tax refund to get the motor mounts replaced (to stop the shaking), I figured might as well get it all done so I told him to order the part. By the end of the month it'll be like a new car - mechanically speaking.

Internally... I got a new radio for my birthday to replace the one that J broke years ago, so I'm loving the ability to jam out to that. I cleaned out my car and vacuumed, but after the final fix I'm going to get it detailed. I'm also planning on finally getting my window's tinted and getting the dents removed, maybe even a paint job. I cannot afford a new car right now so the best I can do is fix up the one I have.

I really do love the Focus, I just have to stop treating her like a red-headed stepchild.

Oh the pain!!!

WARNING - DON'T READ IF YOU GET GROSSED OUT EASILY

When I was a junior in high school I had an issue with my ear. I went months with this annoying pain, but it seemed to me like no one cared about it. Eventually my mom realized that I wasn't faking it and I needed to see a doctor. So I went to an EN&T Dr and found that because I used Q-tips and I'm lucky enough to procduce more ear wax than normal, I had a solid mass pressing against my ear drum. The doctor tried to clean it out, but because it was so compacted, every time he tried I ended up in such intense pain that I just broke down in tears. I never felt anything like that before in my life. So the doc told me to put a hydrogen peroxide/water in my ear, let it fizzle, then put baby oil in it, and that it should soften things up for the next week's appointment. Until then, since I really was in crazy pain, I ended up on pain killers for a week, missing school and everything. Next week, got everything handled, no problem, and I could actually hear - it was amazing.

Well, I've been fanatical about my ears ever since because I never wanted to go through that pain again. Apparently, I haven't been as good as I thought, because now the pain is back. Same ear, same crazy pain. It just got so bad a few minutes ago that I almost broke down in tears at work, I couldn't see, and the room was spinning because my equalibrium was thrown off. Looks like I get to take another trip to the EN&T doc, only this time I know what to do to prep. I just need the pain to go away, because it sucks so much right now.

I gotta feelin... that tonight's gonna be a good night...

I am feeling so much better today. Last night was nice and relaxing and I woke up happy - and it wasn't even because of sex (although that would've been nice)! It's always great when I get to talk to my faux-therapist. Even though he can be a dick at times, he makes me laugh and feel better, so I'm grateful.

Class tonight, I need to get laundry done tomorrow, and Saturday I get to sleep in (woohoo!) and then pick up my dress for the wedding. Dude, I look wicked hot in it. :) I am so excited for this wedding.

Ok, I'm making this short and sweet because I don't have any drama to bitch about. I'm just going to finish up my work and head out to a sushi buffet for lunch. nom nom nom. :)

Peace out, sea trout!

Losing it.

I'm breaking. It's a semi-annual event for me. Whenever bad things happen I just say, it is what it is, and I let it go. I don't cry, I don't get mad, I just push it aside. I don't like showing weakness, and that's what tears and anger are. I know it's unhealthy, but it's how I deal with things. Then something happens, or nothing happens, and I break down.

I'm not happy. Not happy with my job, not happy with my life, definitely not happy with myself. I view myself as a huge disappointment. I don't really feel like anyone truly cares about me. I have no one to call and talk to when I need to - trust me, I've gone through my phone plenty of times making calls when I needed to talk and no one ever seems to want to answer - or call back. Am I really that much of a loser?

I am alone, but I have plenty of guys in my life. Unfortunately, I don't think any of these guys actually care about me, unless the way to show that you care is to hurt a person or to view them purely as a sexual object. Or my favorite, promise that you'll be there, that you'll show up at 8 sharp, only to not show, call, or return any calls/texts. Yes, that was my night last night. I got stood up by the deputy. He couldn't have forgotten because we talked about him coming over all day yesterday. He promised he'd give me a huge hug because of what happened on Monday and because I was having a lousy day yesterday, but he never showed. It's typical of him. It's one of the things we fought about most. Now I'm sure he'll come back with some excuse like he fell asleep or he was hanging out with J - doesn't matter. The one person I considered my best friend couldn't even follow through on plans to hang out when he knew I needed him the most.

Then of course, Valentine's day is coming up. Joy. Now, I've had a boyfriend pretty much every v-day since I started dating, but I haven't actually celebrated v-day since....well, I don't remember. It always ends up being screwed up. Last year C was out of town, the three years before that with J, well, he always managed to make that day a living hell for me. Before that I was with the Deputy, and he just didn't seem to care about it. I think the only person I've ever celebrated v-day with was MF. He always made it so special. He made everything special. Of course, he actually loved me and cared about me, unlike the others.

So this year will be no different than the last few. I'll be alone, well, with Lo. There is a Tour de Broward that day for the Joe Dimaggio Children's Hospital. I think I'll do their 5k run, or perhaps the 3k family walk. That hospital is where Lo stayed when we had the eye infection, and they were amazing. I don't think I would have been able to last a week there without their help and kindness.

Ok, I'm done bitching. I can already tell today is either going to be a fighting day or a crying day. It sucks so much, but that's just the way it is. I gotta get myself in check because when I'm like this I get into self-destruct mode. All I want is for someone to hold me while I cry. No talking, no asking questions, just for them to hold me. Is that too much to ask?

Fucking Weirdos!

After class tonight I went to the pool hall to get something to eat. E, the guy that I had met last week, met me there. Now, last week we got along pretty well, so I was fine with hanging out again. Dude shows up completely trashed. Unable to form a thought, and I think I detected a hint of pot. Oy - ok.

I didn't go there to drink, I went there for dinner and to read my book. So he was bugging me to have a drink, and I must have told him no a dozen times. Then he went on about how I shouldn't become an alcoholic. Um... ok, I wasn't too concerned with that considering I was drinking water.

Then he looked though my textbook and I had my homework in there - it was a thought paper where we had to write who we were and why we thought that. It was pretty personal, so I took it because I didn't want anyone reading it. Apparently he got upset by that, which confused me. I told him I didn't know him and that the only person that needed to read that, aside from me, was my teacher.

So we were talking, and I was trying to be polite, but he was bugging the crap out of me. He kept on telling me how much he liked me and all this other stuff. I don't remember how the conversation got to this, but he's like, you like bad boys, I know. I was like, um... no I don't. He swore that I did because I had said it the other night. First off, don't try to sit here and tell me, the sober one, that I said something that I never said, and second, don't try to act like you know me and know what I like. Then he started talking about my ex-husband... yeah...

So after the annoying conversation, he's like, you have nice ears, can I touch them? wtf? Who says that? Then he asks if he can kiss me. Again, I tell him no, that I didn't know him well enough to kiss me. He's like, well the texts said otherwise - something like that. What texts? I asked, and he told me not to play stupid. So I grabbed my phone to see what I said that might have been miscontrued, and he tried to take my phone away. Yeah, no one touches my fucking phone. I remember he texted me asking for a picture, and I refused to send one, but there wasn't even a hint of kissing or even flirting for that matter. So he asked again to kiss me, and again I said no.

By this time I was getting aggravated, so I asked for the bill to leave. Walked outside, said bye, and headed to my car. As I'm halfway across the parking lot, freezing, he shouts out - I got a hug last time. I just said I was cold and went to my car. Apparently I didn't start my car soon enough - I was looking for some body spray because I reeked of cigarettes and I can't stand that. So he pulls up next to me and tries to get in my car. Luckily I'm super anal about making sure my doors are locked as soon as I get in my car (habit from J), so I rolled the window down a crack and I'm like, what? He's like - last time I got a hug, I want a hug now. I'm like, no, I have to go. He kept bugging me, saying that he wanted a hug, and I kept saying no. Then he's like, am I freaking you out? Of course, I said yes, he got in his car and I took off.

Freaked me the hell out. I don't like being in that situation. Yes, he got a hug last time, because we got along, and it wasn't intimate, it was like a nice to meet you hug. You don't sit here and demand one! Jesus! When I left I was kinda freaking, worried that he'd follow me home or something, so I took the long way home, and after I confirmed that no one was following me, I went home. Now deputy's pissed because he wasn't there (he was too tired to meet me), and he wasn't able to protect me. I mean, it's all good now - I'm just ignoring the texts and calls and deleting the voicemail without checking it (yes, he's already texted and called and this just happened like 30 minutes ago).

I'm giving up on guys for a while because apparently I can't seem to choose normal ones. :(

I met a boy...

Ok, not so much a boy as a man, a 35 year old. Y'all know how I have a thing for older guys. I went to the Billiard Club after class on Thursday and I was sittin at the bar, drinking my beer, and reading "Another Day in the Frontal Lobe" and this guy starts chatting with me. Now, I don't know about you, but I would typically think that sitting at a bar reading a medical book for fun wouldn't start many conversations. I was wrong.

So this guy was pretty cute. He just smoked like a chimney and drank like a fish. We had a nice long conversation. We talked about everything, including the issue with the ex and how I was nervous about going for child support because of the parental rights thing. He assured me that it wouldn't make a difference since he pays child support but has no rights. He gets his son on the weekends (or every other, I forget), only because she agreed to that, not that the courts decided it.

The conversation then turned into one that is deserving of the Kittens thread, but that's just how I get after a drink or two. He said he was quite shocked about some things because I just looked like such an innocent little girl. Yeah, that's what they all think. I mean, I wasn't offering to blow him in the parking lot or anything, but I heard plenty of stories from him about his experiences. It was interesting, to say the least.

We exchanged numbers and then I went home... alone. I was proud of myself that I didn't kiss him or anything like that. Like I said, he was attractive, and I'm somewhat vulnerable now, but I behaved.

Why am I vulnerable? Good question. I guess it's because I'm really bitter and pissed off at the fact that C has these other girls that he could screw and I don't. Well, that's not entirely true. I'm fairly certain that if I wanted I could have gone back to E's place and had some fun (but I'm just not that kinda girl), plus I know the deputy wants a piece and my old friend, J, is back in my life now and he wants some as well. I don't know why, the most we ever did was drunkenly kiss one night, many years ago. We were best friends before he started hating on me. Deputy told me that he's back in touch because he wants a 3-some with the two of us (Deputy & J are BFF - I met them when I worked at Bennigan's). They made a pact to have a 3-some with a chick, and it looks like I'm the "lucky" third party. I don't know if I'd be able to do that. I mean, sure, it'd be fun to be DP'd, but I don't know if I'd be able to look at them again, especially if they end up touching each other. Eeewww!

I know that C wants to have a 3-some with me and another chick. I'd be cool with that except that I actually care about C, and I tend to get uber jealous, so I'd probably lose my cool in the middle of it. I think I'd have to be the girl invited into a "relationship" in order to do that. Besides, C no longer deserves that. If he's going to be screwing around with other girls, why should he get that perk? Ugh, what the hell does it matter? We're not together, we never will be together again, and it sucks big floppy donkey dick, but that's life. He's an idiot, plain and simple. A complete moron for not seeing what's right in front of him.

Ok, enough about him because I'm starting to get all emotional. Today's Monday, which means it's a short day at work and a long night of class - 4-10. Social Psych tonight. Yay! :) I think the Deputy is going to come over tomorrow to help me study for my constitutional law class. I know damn well that he'd like to do more than just study, but it's too damn bad. He ain't getting anything from me. I need a clear head before I get intimate with anyone. Plus, my family is at my house, and that's just wrong.

Bachelorette Party

I had a blast at the bachelorette party on Saturday. I ended up renting a car so that I didn't have to worry about mine overheating on the trip. We stayed at Disney's Pop Century Resort. It's such a cool place. Yes, that's a giant Rubick's cube. They had a bunch of them there. :)

The maid of honor had decorated a Minnie Mouse veil for V, since she is a huge Disney fan. I helped out the best I could, but I'm not the most creative person in the world, so I just told her I'd pay if she decorated, so it worked out pretty well. It had a pic of the bride and my cousin, a Publix name tag (that's where they met), light up diamond rings, and some sports and shoe designs. V loved it.

We went out to Bahama Breeze for dinner, and I had the best meal! Shrimp and Grits with bacon and hollandaise sauce. OMG - it was to die for! We also surprised V with a shoebox cake, and she loved it. The theme of the party was shoes. We were supposed to decorate our high heels. Unfortunately, I didn't get the chance to since L and school take up so much of my time. Everyone else did an awesome job though.

After dinner we went out to Howl at the Moon. I realized that I need to phrase my questions a bit better when I asked the male bartender if he did blow jobs. Of course, I meant the shots, but his reply was priceless - well, I don't do them, but I love receiving them. lol. So V, G, and I did the shots, and we were told we had to do them the right way - hands free. I had never done that before, so I was slightly worried that I'd spill or whatever. I did a damn good job though, took the whole thing like a pro. the bartender grabbed the camera so we could get some good pics. I didn't notice until later that H was giving the thumbs up. Too funny. :)

It was a great night. We got back to the hotel around 2 and I woke up with a killer headache, but I didn't feel sick or anything, so I was very grateful considering I had a long drive back home.

Anyway, I'm glad to be home. I have a full day tomorrow. Work in the morning and then school until 10.

What to do...

As much as I hate to admit it, I am single. It sucks and I wish it wasn't so, but alas, I have yet to meet my prince charming. I've had plenty of fun with the toads though. :) I have a point - I promise. My ex, the deputy, has been dropping hints about us getting together again. Do I love him, yes, but I'm not in love with him. Unfortunately, my heart still belongs to someone else. I know, I know, I need to get over C, I've heard it all before. That's easier said than done. I love him and feelings like that don't just go away. I went out with waiter boy, M, and the firefighter in hopes that I'd get over him, but no dice. Ugh, I hate it. It sucks so much when someone has that kind of control over me. Sometimes love just bites. I saw this on Angela's page one day, it was the love quote of the day, and I thought it was perfect:


"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you up and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love."


Yes, it blows. It's so confusing. I'd like to give it another try with the deputy. We had fun and we split because he needed to concentrate on his career. I just want to make sure that I'd be with him because I want to, and not to get over C or because I don't want to be alone. I talked to my ex, MF about it (my first boyfriend that I would get back together with in a heartbeat). I went into the whole speil about C and this is what he told me, "back and forth passes the time. be friends with some benefits until you meet someone worth keeping, that way you don't go crazy without any nookie..." Yes, it's no secret that without sex I do kinda go a little crazy - but we all go a little crazy sometimes... (cue "psycho" music. lol) So what if you find the person worth keeping but they're too blind to see it?


I understand where C was coming from with us splitting; you can't force feelings that aren't there. Plus he's obviously fine with the idea of tapping some strange - a thought that tears me up inside - so there is like virtually no chance of a reconciliation. But me and deputy. I don't know. At one point he was my life. I wanted to marry him. Maybe if we give it another go then the feelings will come rushing back. I know that whenever we're together I feel safe. I don't really have romantic feelings for him, but if we do give it another go then maybe those feelings will come back. Maybe that's something that C should have considered. I mean, I've changed so much since we first met. Maybe if we would have given it another try he would find that he does have those feelings for me and I'd be happy instead of miserable.

Slacker

I have seriously been slacking in my blogging duties. I guess that's what I get for trying to actually work during the day. Ugh, fucking hate my job. I just want to go to school. I want to find someone to take care of me so I can concentrate on my studies. I wanna go to med school. I wanna be a doctor. C loaned me a book, "Another Day in the Frontal Lobe", about a neurosurgeon. Now I want to be a neurosurgen. That'd just be so kick ass. I want to be so many things, just don't know how to do it. How am I going to be able to afford med school? I barely make any money and the money I do make goes to day care for Lo. It's virtually impossible to save up because every time I do something happens and my savings gets drained. It fucking blows. Things would be so much easier if I had some help with Lo. I wish her father wasn't such a dick. Oh well, that's life.

So tomorrow is R's birthday. Tomorrow is also my day off. I was toying around with the idea of going up to see him, but after the amazing night I had last night, I don't think I wanna be around any other man. Last night fucking rocked the caspah. I'm still weak from it. Ok, I have got to stop thinking about that or it'll turn into a very uncomfortable experience at work. :)

Bachelorette party this Saturday. So excited about it! We're going to Orlando to some clubs. Yes, I will be drinking, but it will be responsibly. I have to drive back home the next morning and I don't feel like puking on the side of 95. I don't know how crazy we're gonna get, but I'm up for anything. Bringing some singles just in case. I'm also considering getting my tatoo while I'm up there. :). I'll post whatever pictures I can on Sunday. Can't wait! I just need to make sure I don't send any crazy texts that night. :)